GOD DAMN IT!!!!!!

I hate my motherfucking new job
I get treated like shit
From the Queen Bitch of the house
The lead residential aide

I just grin an bear it
And try very hard not to tell her off
Really, I am getting the bad vibes
From other staff too

Today, the on-call manager asked me to work
At a house I never had been to
For an overnight shift.
I was called at midnight.
By the time I called back
They wanted me to work in the morning.
So I work 8-4pm tomorrow, with not enough notice to sleep.
And then I can go back to work at 11pm and work overnight.
And to really get on my fucking nerves...
The other relief at my house
Called me about it.
When I hinted that I may not be up for it
She got an attitude
Because she is working a double
Good for fucking her!
Yeah...but I worked all fucking week!

I fucking hate this job!
I am starting to feel enslaved
With no future benefit
Making peanuts

I would love it...if someone actually was nice to me
Oh....by the way...all of the residents like me
I have no idea why!

:O)

MAYBE BECAUSE I AM NOT A BITCH!

Bee Balm

My Flowers

My Garden

I am doing better!

I have been in a good mood! I am not sure why. But maybe validation played a role. I have been having back pain for a year, and my neck started bothering me. I also was just told I had carpel tunnel. My doctor insisted (not that I complained!) that I see a specialist. I have now gone to see a Physiatrist (a person who specializes in back and sports injuries (who would not try to get me to have surgery).

Well, I knew I was in pain. I knew I had a spondo- some sort of vertebrae slip thing. Anyways, I found out my "knees" hurting all the time may have been my back...and my "carpel tunnel" may have been my neck. They did all sort of reflex and muscle tests and stuff...and IT WASN'T IN MY HEAD!!!! My back is screwed up.

I know I am depressed and anxious, and I know that I was a little bit of a hypochronidiac...but when sometimes wakes you from a deep sleep.....

So I am going to Physical Therapy.

But more important, I feel validated. Like my pain wasn't just a somatic thing.

Also, I have learned to "work through" the pain. That instead of laying down with it, I try to walk it off. In general, that is okay. But the PT's were actually telling me to slow down a bit...that it was better to go slow, and not cause more pain. So a PT telling me to stop pushing myself...and to sit down more (I have two jobs that I was on my feet alot...and I gardened alot)!

Anyways, this helped my mental health alot.

Now that I am doing PT...I actually hurt myself!!!! I had my last day at the garden center yesterday....and I was IN PAIN...yesterday. I nearly maxed out on IBU. I was almost ready to take two 600 mg pills. (after taking 600 mg every four hrs!!!!) Oh my god! I just called my Dr and they said If I am in that much pain, I can take 600 mg of IBU and then 500mg tylenol 4 hrs later. Hopefully it will help.

I have just taken a lot of garden pictures...I will post them soon!

How Pretty!

I am a Sunflower What Flower Are You?

It is six o'clock in the afternoon....

And I just woke up!

I guess without supplemental information, it would sound as if I was the most pathetic laziest blob in the world. But I have an explanation really!

It is Sunday afternoon. I have just worked two overnights in a row, and a few hours at my other job. Missing my friends dearly, I met them for breakfast on Saturday. So I managed to get only three hours of sleep from Friday morning to Sunday morning.

The sleep deprivation can really mess with your head...but mostly your body. With a few moments of severe confusion and drowsiness, I felt I was clear headed for alot of the time. However, my coworker told me I wasn't making any sense.

But the body!!!!

My knees felt as if they were going to buckle under. Oh...not only was I awake so long, I was on my feet most of the time. After two days, my body just hurt all over. And I was beginning to have a stuffy nose and sore throat.
But my knees!!!

I am sick of working overnights. I don't mind them in a general sense, but I am working overnights on the weekends, and working evening at the other job.

But the worse part of working overnights? Cleaning.
I work at a group home with a bunch of mentally retarded young men. I really hate cleaning their bathrooms. I really do.
Last night I found a toothbrush in the toilet, and feces in the bathtub. Not alot, but just enough to ruin my shift.

The good part of last night, I was able to relax for part of my shift. Most of the time, the guys stay to up until 3am (it is the weekend!). But last night they were pooped out from a theme park visit, and had alot of fun stuff planned for today. So the guys were all asleep at the beginning of my shift.

I was able to watch TV for a few hours. I watched parts of some great old movies, and a reality TV show (Which I usually hate, but this one was filmed in my city).
I am not usually a TV watcher...but my body was thanking me over and over.

Still, I am sick of my crazy work schedule. One in which I can work for nearly 24 hours straight...and then to only working 12 hours between two jobs next week. It would also be nice to have the tiniest of a wage deferential for working third shift.

A stable real job, would really be good for me. I either work very little, or way to much. And I work hours in which I hardly ever see my friends, and work during the times that I miss out on the free concerts and summer festivals in the area.
It is really adding to my depression.

I feel so alone....

I am sick of being alone
I spend my day
Talking to myself
I pretend at night that someone loves me
I have no one to hug

I feel worthless
I am defensive all of the time
Trying to protect the self worth I have
I am only told
The things I do wrong

I am sad
I have spent a year fighting this
And the only thing that has changed
Is that I keep getting more prescriptions
And I keep getting worse

Really, how long can someone feel this way?
What is the point of it all?

I just keep working and working
Fighting and fighting
this depression
And it keeps beating me down
How much more fight do I have?
Is this all in vain?

I am sending this out to the world
The spirit, god, the collective unconsious

Please send me some love
some hope, and a reason
why I have come to this place

I guess the fact that my cockatiel
Is drinking my tears
Is a sign...that at least a little bird loves me

I really did want to garden today....

It is raining out!

But that is a super good thing. As we have been having a dry summer....not as bad as the south, but officially "dry."

This year, the grass has turned an awful color of yellow, a good month before are typical late summer growing fatigue.

Being a 10 minute walk from one of the largest source of fresh water in the world, watering my plants in this "drought" is not a guilt inducing activity.

although I am still trying to figure out, as a household of ONE, how I can have a an average water bill of $200 a quarter. It seems to be at least $175 in the winter!

Not to mention that my electric bill is one of the highest in the US, even though I live less than 10 miles from one of the largest hydro-electric plant in the country.

OH MY GOD!!!!! And I took organic chemistry in college?

Free Online Dating

Not very helpful to my anxiety...eh?

I am 75% Addicted to Coffee

Mingle² - Free Online Dating

75%How Addicted to Blogging Are You?

Mingle² - Online Dating

Mingle² - Online Dating

More HIPAA Thoughts

I think HIPAA is a good thing
Really

I really don't want my medical history
Out in the open
Not that I am not open about it
(giggles)

There is so much I want to say
And vent about my work right now
But I don't.....cause of HIPAA
I work with a new population for me
The MRDD with co-occurring handicaps, mental health, and legal problems
The Mental Retardation part, is something I am still learning about
What does it mean...
What are "typical" presentations
What is the "typical" developmental course
Of those with MR

In time, I can articulate my frustrations
My thoughts, and my impressions
In ways that are appropriate

But right now....I talk to certain friends
That also work in healthcare/ social services
We all know HIPAA
We feel safe to talk about the
person with (enter diagnosis and concerns here)
We never use names...and if one slips out...
(usually a first name or surname only)
We always say "oops"
As our way to reaffirm our HIPPA oaths
And move on...

We talk about our frustrations
Our feelings and powerlessness
Over mistreatment, policy, laws
Coworkers, and grief
(my friends work in skilled nursing)

We are nurses aides, social workers,
residential aides, site managers, and volunteers

We all get HIPAA
And we use it

HIPAA Thoughts.....

There was a NY Times article about HIPAA today
And it really annoyed me
That the author wrote “Hipaa” Instead of HIPAA

Anyways, the article reflected on the unintended ramifications
Of privacy, that has leaked into Emergency Situations

I have worked in Health Care/ Community Services
I see the great things that HIPAA does

I know HIPAA
And with that knowledge, I was able to navigate information
When my father was sick:

My parents….have issues
One of these issues
Is that they hate doctors
My father is the most noncompliant patient
Which is not surprising with his Bipolar 1 Diagnosis
IN addition, he has diabetes II and high blood pressure
And he smokes with Asthma
(CALL THE HIPAA POLICE! I am releasing private health info!)

Anyways, my mother called me months ago
And told me my Dad couldn’t walk on his left foot
She then proceeded to tell me how much my father was driving her nuts
Asking her to “wait on him…hand and foot”

Two days before, I was over their house
And he was complaining of flu symptoms
And that he “sprained his ankle”
He did look pretty sick
I was worried about him
But thought he may have just caught a bad flu

So….when I had to interrupt my mother
And ask her:
“Did he ACTUALLY sprain his ankle? Did he actually bump into something?”
“No, I don’t think he did…but you know I am not feeling good….”
“Mom, he needs to call his doctor, like…now”
I was worried he had an infection in his joint
Causing his flu symptoms
Yeah I googled it
But I googled “infection in joint”
“CALL THE DOCTOR”
They would not
I went to their house
Checked up on my Dad
And called his doctor
The nurse gave me the HIPAA speech
I told her firmly that I didn’t want any information
That I was giving information to HER
Please convince him to come in
I handed the phone to my Dad
And he finally agreed to go….

After a trip to an after-hours urgent care facility
And a later trip to the ER
That involved an IV of antibiotics
A month of antibiotics
A cocktail of new drugs to get the diabetes
Cholesterol and high blood pressure
My father nearly lost his foot
To a raging case of cellulitis
My father was really sick for a month
And it took months for him to recover

What would have happened
If I backed down from the HIPAA police
As my father would have gotten a lot sicker
If I didn’t intervene?

If you read my blog.....

....I wonder what you would think of me.

Trying to view my own words objectively
Would be difficult by my own subjectiveness

I think I would see:

Someone in pain
Struggling
Defensive
Angry
Hurt
Negative
Confused
Maladaptive?

This is my diary
My venting
My stage?

My illness is not me
This blog is not me
Perhaps, but only a portion
In the emotional spectrum
Of my experience
My experience colored by illness
Or my Meds?

My life has been turned upside down
In the span of six months

My life has turned from stable
To completely unpredictable

From being a respected professional
To food stamp recipient

From community leader
to chastised min wage employee

From self confident
to stigmatized and oppressed

I am carrying around alot of baggage
With a broken back

If you read my blog....
What do you see?