A bit of blue of late....

I resorted to retail therapy. How seductive, I suddenly bought $145 worth of stuff on ebay (2/3 shipping costs)!

My new obsession, Blow molds! Here are some of my new purchases:

I attempted to read my blog

... as an aggregated whole, as objectively as I can. It sure “ain’t look too pretty.” My posts reveal me to be not a storm, but a long chilly bought of rain. The type of low pressure that sticks around for a while. Not one that is celebrated in a drought, but one that trickles down the dam threatening villages downstream.
As if in my life, my real life, I often hold back emotions so strongly, I often cannot articulate or even understand my feelings, or their origins.
It is true that my emotions are tainted with the strong scent of a serious mental illness. One in which I have had a history of depressive symptoms that started sometime before I even hit puberty. I remember being alone in my room, very often, at the age of 9-10. I once remember painting a masterpiece of black over black, in watercolors. I remember at a very young age, somewhere around third grade, in which I believed that no one around me was real, That only I existed and everyone around me were robots, or I just lived in a dream. WTF How phenomenological of me.
Thinking back, that just seems such a lonely experience for a child, and I wonder what triggered these thoughts and feelings. I certainly have many happy childhood memories, but I do wonder one thing… WAS THIS FUCKING NORMAL?
So what came first, the “life experience” or the “mental illness?”
Anyways, I have been under the care of professionals for a few years now. I have issues .
I have had multiple M.D.s and one useless N.P. that told me I needed to talk to someone. I have been talking to the same person for a couple of years now. I am not sure what is really being said, or if I am truly listening.

My main issues are my recent masochistic tendencies. I some ways, they are sickly recreational. I know…”overshare” But essentially, whenever I feel distressed, my instinctual (or anti-instinctual) reaction to think of violent ways to self-destruct. My thinking has become more and more creative, even though my mood has been appreciating.

What is most upsetting to me, is my fear that someday I may actually, perhaps accidentally, kill myself. And it bothers me even more, because somehow, I think of death in hellish sorts of ways. I do not think of pretty little clouds and angels, but of pure…extinction.

Perhaps in very wise and successful fashion I have been taught and practiced the act of avoidance. The idea to swallow those feelings and move on. “Just get past them, don’t think about it, and go to bed. Put as much space between those feelings and yourself.” So they ride in the trunk on my road throughout life.

But I still don’t talk about it. Not even to those professionals.
Until this week. Someone called me on it.

No surprise, It wasn’t my tried (tired?) and true therapist who I keep because he can actually talk me down from the top of the cliff. He who reminds me consistently how much better I am doing, and that everything is going to be okay.

So I got called to the carpet… Who am I protecting? My friends, family, and um….therapist? Therapist?

So I apologize my dear readers (which at last count may have been 7 people). I am sorry that you have been reading my angst. Perhaps I should actually talk to my um…therapist.

(image: recklessly stolen from sources forgotten)

'Twas the end of the semester, when all through the house

Was trash, upon dirt, upon paper about…

The student was hungry for a life without care

In hopes that winter break would soon to be there;

As she had woke up this morning, snuggled in bed,

There was APA, syllabi, and theories in her head!

The student would rather read the blog of shrink rap!

Or go back to bed for a rather very long nap

But soon her fingers were on the keyboard in clatter

She was hoping her writing would point to the matter

She thought of a new thesis in her brain like a flash

And hoped and prayed that MS VISTA would not crash

She struggled with subjects that she just did not know

And feared that the term paper might very well blow

With pencil in hand and spell check quite near

All she can think of is her new lighted reindeer…..

Motivation is the key to success...

...And I have very little of it right now. I am just tired, ohhhh, so tired. I spent a few hours on a paper last night. It was due today. It was a paper I was completely unexcited about. Yesterday...my brain hit a wall. I was just so tired. My brain stopped working. I got the brain fog that often comes when getting a nasty little bug. And I was freezing. (It snowed today!). Anyway I handed it in and figured I neglected to deal with a few points in the assignment. I just love grad school. You can work three hours on a project and still flunk it...

Anyways, I am just tired. Maybe I am depressed, maybe I have chronic fatigue syndrome, maybe I need more sleep. Maybe I am just lazy.

Blah...

I am grumpy...and here I go back to doing school work that I don't want to do....

Has sloth ever killed someone?

I am so very tired and unmotivated.
I just do not feel like doing homework and papers. The family meetings that I face this week at my internship make me want to ….hide under a pillow.
I am just so tired and uninspired.
I don’t do well with unstructured time off when I am feeling mediocre. Unstructured time off when I am feeling creative and energized is a lot more fun!
I am in that slump in that if I have “time” on my hands, I should be doing school work. And if I am NOT doing school work, I should be doing something productive.
So…if I don’t want to do homework...than I end of cleaning my house for 4 hours. I am a worker bee like that. It sucks to be a PROCASTINATOR! What wonderful things I accomplish while procrastinating! Like this blog post…which is not so productive?
I waste a lot of time doing stupid stuff…Like play this game or that.
I cannot wait until my winter break so I can make a quilt or something.

why? Why? why?

Why does my heart turn to stone sometimes? Or maybe my eyes just forgot how to weep. I had another moment of unexplainable emotional dispair. Perhaps a bit of blue belnded with academic stress, and a medication adjustment. I just slammed into a wall of frozen sadness.

See...when I am feeling depression, I find it hard to cry. And then my mind devises maladaptive ways to feel the pain. Not so good. It was just a termpaper...but perhaps a termpaper that forced me to explore a topic I did not wish to think about. Sometimes I hate my schooling in those ways. I just have some history that is hard to deal with...

So anyways, I am in a bad mood. But my growling plant (halloween decoration) made me giggle.

These guys remind me of my cockatiels:

I was going to post...

About politics, but I am just so sick of it all. I am sick of people who blindly align with which ever party, without question. I am the most sought after... "the swing voter." My state is very much a blue state. My vote hardly counts in Presidential elections. Although...In other races, I do very much matter, I hope.

Anyways, I really don't want to rant.

But maybe I will anyways:

I don't understand that when democrats spend money, it is called "big Government," but when republicans spend money....it is okay. Of course I can use the huge example of how much we spend on defence spending vs. programs for the poor...but that would be un-American of me. But weirdly, one of the most expensive new public benefit was brought to us by republicans. The medicare drug benefit. I am totally down with it, but the irony is just too much for me.

Why is it that some doctors do not prescribe Plan B. How can a gyn be in practice who does not believe in birth control. Oh...and how can I trust a doctor who thinks that Plan B is an aborificant? It freaks me out that there are medical personal the are against birthcontrol. If you are so, um, religiously motivated, I am not sure I want you to be my doctor. My friend just had an issue with this. Wtf

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.....How fiscally conservative people can support republicans, as they are generally fiscally irresponsible with our money. I mean this in a purely accounting way. If you lower taxes, be fiscally responsible an lower expenses. It seems taxes are lowered, and we just end up in debt (I see this locally and nationally).

Anyways. I can support fiscally conservative people who do not want to "throw money" at a social problem. I think the public should support non-profit agencies that are efficient, effective, and responsible with public resources.

But whatever....

Don't get me started on how un-American us New Yorkers are to the eyes of many.