The key to my heart

The red tent of sadness

2010-10-07T20:40:00.002-05:00

Wow, my hormones really affect my moods. Like most women get grouchy once a month...I want to fillet pieces of my arm and swallow potent drugs like skittles. I was like this last month. I think my hormones need to go away. ugh... Today was not awful but I had some annoyances.... like someone I know walked into the coffeeshop I was sitting in, looked at me and walked out. It was someone I kind of work with, so In some ways I can un derstand, you may just want to not deal with stuff... but seriously! I was rejected... Someone did not even want to sit in the same room as me.... thank you world

2010-06-23T23:27:00.001-05:00

2010-06-10T20:59:00.001-05:00

2010-06-10T20:45:00.001-05:00

2010-03-15T22:39:00.001-05:00

Why?

2010-03-05T23:53:00.002-05:00

Why did I pick THAT person out of the sea of those wandering in the room?
Certainly not the most disabled, certainly not the most impaired…
Many that I see are under the care of group homes, supportive housing, may even be living at the state hospital….
Nor is it simply symptoms
I know many that can never live a day without the voices, who are marked by the cruel mask of tardive dyskinesia.
Why did I call Crisis Services for her??? Why did I write a safety contract for him?
Where they homicidal, suicidal? I am not exactly sure…. Someone even looked like they were having the time of their life….giggling away like a school girl.
Was it because one person was homeless?
No, I serve many who are homeless. But the chronically homeless often have the sense to survive. They know which shelters have the most comfortable beds, and they know they chose from a list of menus each day.
Would I have noticed that person in a crowd, that something was not quite right?
No…probably not
But with a trained eye….. I can see the liability, confusion, the misplaced laughter, the articulate conversation laden with delusions, the unspoken request for help, and the vulnerability of an individual in a world full of stigma.
But why did I make a safety contract for THAT person?
Why did I call Crisis Service for THAT person?
WHY did I say goodbye to THAT person, like it was any other day?
Because I am a SOCIAL WORKER! I am not a doctor, I am not a psychologist, nor am I just another mental health professional. I am a social worker
A crisis is an individual experience. It is not defined by symptoms, it is not defined by the struggles of poverty, and it is not defined by what events occur in that little “therapeutic “room….
It is all of these things. It is a sense of helplessness that makes one very vulnerable It is symptoms, it is a lack of support system, and it is the environment, the season and lack of safe shelter. Perhaps it is the inability to perceive of what is a safe shelter. It may be the amount of cash in one’s pocket, or the vultures that surround them… I look not to a point in time, but the calculus of 10 or more variable. It is a danger zone that makes it a
CRISIS
And today I hope that those people are now safe.

wtf....seriously....wtf

2010-02-25T21:57:00.002-05:00

My boss needs an intervention. Today I had a disagreement with my boss. He said I should of "handled" a client a certain way. I disagreed with him, and had a degree, a huge body of empirical knowledge, and a fucking brain to tell me that I was right. I was also being scolded. I very nicely told him to fuck off (I wish). I told him very patiently and softly that I thought it was better to handle it the way I did. I basically had to put my foot down and tell my boss that I was a trained master's level social worker and although I am not working in that role, I am still binded by a code of ethics.... blah blah blah. I made it very clear that I was not in a clinical role, I am not practicing in a proffessional capicity. I used the example of being a mandated reporter. I doubt that this sort of thing would ever be in conflict.... but if a "customer" ever told me he was beating his kids...I would HAVE to report it...no matter what HE (my boss) thought. I really scolded my boss in a passive non-confrontational way. And assured him that OF COURSE I would tell him and keep him informed.... Seriously...during this conversation my boss whined..."you were hired to be peer...not a clinician." I reminded him that I was a peer first. And seriously...I treat the clients like a peer (maybe to exception of those who need a lot more assistance or with greater needs and disabiltiies). Anyways...
Of course I packaged my angst in a pretty box of bows and sparkles and got my point across without be threatening.

But then...

I really love having to clean up the emotional mess my boss created yesterday.

Fuck me...fuck my job

Today, I left work with a bad taste in my mouth

2010-02-24T21:06:00.002-05:00

I am working in a position that is significantly under my capabilities as far as education and experience. I am certainly not saying that I could actually DO the job better than most. I actually forget to do a lot of the simple things…like collecting sign-in sheets. There are parts of the job I really dread…like being responsible for the cleaning of the building. However, I spend an awful lot of time observing, thinking about, and dealing with “customer*” behavior. I spend and awful lot of time trying to diffuse toxic interactions and absorbing an incredible amount of individuals’ “ventilation.”
I walked into an agency location that experienced the loss of two popular staff members. In addition, the agencies state funding has changed…forcing the program to change. The staff and the individuals that are served are frankly…stressed. However, today I began to feel the heat.
I spent a lot of time today working behind the scene providing therapeutic support to certain individuals. I have also tried to manage and excel at creating order from a series of contradictory and opposing bits of information. I solve many jigsaw puzzles (with many missing pieces) and then allow others to believe that the solutions were there for all to see.
Well….
Today, I had two specific interactions with my boss that made me really unhappy.
I applied for the open site manager position. I not only have a master’s degree relating to the field in which I work, but I have also held management positions at a larger organization with significantly more experience. In other words, I am both over qualified for the job I have, but the job I sought. Anyways, my boss told me I probably NOT get the job because…I am new and still on probation. Okay… I can understand that there may be other individuals at the agency who have “put in their time.” I get it. But seriously….. I can name a few people who I would be more than happy to see in the position. And I would be happy to work for them and with them. I have no idea what will happen. But I fear that it may not go well.
I was also asked to be present for a meeting with a couple of individuals involving troubling behavior. Frankly, I was troubled by the facilitator’s behavior. Thankfully, the facilitator had a relationship with the individuals…but fucking Christ…. I don’t appreciate being associated with this shit. I felt like I had to continually redirect the conversation for the safety of all present. I realize that many self-help and peer organizations have “issues” with clinical interventions. But fuck, I am a professional and a peer. Believe it or not there is a skill set I have gained from a master’s in social work. … I guess what I am saying…. Is that this job, as in stands, may not be a good fit for me.
However, I do not have the energy to look elsewhere...and well……I got my own issues….

Haiku

2010-02-22T22:34:00.003-05:00

It snowed lots today
In big white and fluffy flakes
I am now sleepy

Tired.....

2010-02-02T00:02:00.000-05:00

I am sleepy
I have a new job
A job!

Reject me

2009-12-20T17:38:00.002-05:00

I went on a date yesterday. The first date in two years. Flirting on-line, he called me, we had dinner. We had deep conversations. I gave him a thank you txt (hey! this is 2009). I got the "it was nice to meet you...but" response. It hurts. This is not a heartbreak... I don't even know the guy...but seriously. It is like dating and job hunting are some of the few ways in which it is socially accept to reject someone. Not a good fit, not pretty enough, not good enough, not smart enough, not good, not not not.... This week has been the week of rejection. Shitty job interview, my dad being super critical of me, I even had people bad mouth my descriptions on my ebay listings. Seriously. People talk about a fear of rejection. I don't have a fear of rejection...I am dealing with rejection! It is just that so much in my life is crap, that a little rejection feels like an anvil. I have fighting depression, grief, unemployment, health issues.... And I have been trying to fight these awful battles...and it's like....fuck me. I have been going to physical therapy...working hard...and FUCK!!! My back gives out. I have tried to bake my mother's cookies for x-mas, and they are not good enough. I have gone on interview and interview......

just fuck me, fuck me and my life.
I am sad and hurt and angry and sad.

Just as I have rejection placed upon me from various directions. I have other pressure that sounds like an Obama speech. "YES YO CAN!" Just do it! all of these motivation speechs about how I am capable of doing so much more than I am doing. The pressure to apply for jobs that I don't feel I have the energy to do. And if I do, I don't get the job anyways. Or...someone encourages me to start dating.
And I do....I put myself out there... And I get rejected 2 hours after my first date.

It is not really about the date. It is just the last bitter pill to take after being yelled "next" after the 10th audition in a row. You try not to take it personally, but you know you skin in not as thick as everyone around you.

"Toughen up" They say...
but
they forget that the only way is to build up a wall...and hide under a shell
Become wooden...so the soul will not get knocked down

2009-12-13T14:44:00.000-05:00

Path update....

2009-12-12T16:13:00.003-05:00

Here is the completed path....

Did I take my medicine?

2009-12-01T15:15:00.001-05:00

Seriously? I don’t remember…..no….maybe? My life dilemma. I know I should get a pill case thingy…but…but...but…. I had a few cool ones and they kept breaking.
Anyways. I am still unemployed, and rather deflated about it all. I have decided to apply to take the exam and spend the holiday season focused on that. I am still looking… My resume is decent, but my interviews have been less than stellar. Most likely because I have not found a good fit for me. Also, frankly, I don’t match my resume. My resume paints a picture of a young professional who wears suits every day. The reality is I am frumpy hippy type Creative freethinker in desperate need of a hair cut (and color). My hair color is off (I tried to lighten my hair so they grey wasn’t so noticeable)…and my hair looks…fried (as a teenager, I often complained of this). My hair is getting very very gray…. I may be completely grey by the time I am 40. I need a date at the hair salon soon!
My Dad and I have been watching the A+E show “hoarders.” My dad is worried about me…. It makes my dad crazy that I use my dining room table to organize my projects… And he thinks I have too much stuff. I have no precious moment’s collections… but I do have “stuff.” I have a few random collections…50’s x-mas angels, a box of rescued embroidered dollies, and a mountain of craft supplies. My dad however…has junk. Ten or so years ago, I cleaned his garage and throughout his junk. I still tease him about the 15 year old visor from a car he was saving…for what? We have been teasing each other…I agreed to clean his garage again… I am selling stuff on e-bay…..I made $30 so far…whippy
Anyways…
Off to finish my eBay postings, my exam application, and other nonsense…then on to the outside x-mas decorations….

Keeping buzy....

2009-11-21T23:05:00.002-05:00

But still very sad

I am so Fucking Lonely

The fight against entropy

2009-11-17T17:48:00.001-05:00

Still looking for a job…it blows…anyways
I am engaging in multiple projects with various successes
Most are garden related.
Leaves leaves leaves
Seeds seeds seeds (I am collecting them)

And weeds weeds weeds
The biggest weed I grow…is grass (no… not that grass!)
Grass is wonderful, it is soft, feels like a carpet, and has a pleasing green color…
Except when you have a little patch that is less than two feet wide.
I hated mowing that bit….the part that merged with the end of my drive way. I have stones for a driveway (I topped the original crushed stone with pretty river stones). The border between grass and driveway was always up for negotiation… And well…mowing over stones was always uncertain activity.

So…I am creating a path…
I have collected various natural and unnatural stone pavers. And don’t ask about the 500 hundred or so pounds of scrap granite I have that may have been legally or illegally obtained. (Okay…I live near a “removal” company that turns old concrete into fill… that happens to be down the street from a kitchen cabinet installer that disposes of 3-5 inch scraps of granite counter tops. I could not let it become “aggregate”).
Being wise and resourceful….I took my sometimes trusty rotor tiller (it is older than me!), primed it with starter (didn’t I say it was older than me?) and gave a good pull.
*putt putt* “”bbbrrrrrrggggggggg….pop...poop…snooze”
Crap, maybe it was too cold, try again.
*putt putt* “”bbbrrrrrrggggggggg….pop...poop…snooze”
Maybe it needs new gas (added one molecule….gas can empty).
One more try….
*putt putt* “”bbbrrrrrrggggggggg….pop...poop…snooze”
All of this effort, and I have a 1 foot hole in the middle of the targeted grass.
Ugh!
Armed with a shovel, a wagon and a dream…..
The grass is now gone!
(Photo of the grass that once was....long ago)

When confidence hits a stop sign

2009-11-06T17:45:00.002-05:00

Trying to look for a job is kind of like 10 mminute dating...run by old ladies wearing babushkas. Both job hunting, and dating are a like it that: there is a sense of mystery and hope, you dress up in your fancy clothes, you try to talk about your past "relationships" in the most positive way possible, you may do something completely stupid (like loosing your pen, or likie spitting at the person), and the chances are fairly high that there will be a lot of rejection.
Employers aometimes send you letters, like a date may send a "it'd me, not you" e-mail. Some employers never call, even if they flirted with you enough to ask for your number. Either way...,you tend to get into these tizzies as you think "should I call them?" or would that scare them away? Or you think "if they like me, they will call," while you get pressured from friends (and vocational councelors) that you would be silly not to call!

I*am*sick*of*it*all

Sunshine and pumpkins

2009-11-02T18:23:00.005-05:00

Today was a beautiful day. I did not go outside to play. I had a job interview!!! Yeah!!! It wasn't an uber exciting one. An outpatient substance abuse clinic. Individual counceling. Hmmm...um... Even though I have been properly trained in this sort of thing, I am not sure if this sort of thing is my cup a tea. Hmmmm....

I am fighting a bug of some sort. A tickle in the back of my throat, being tired...malaise. I haven't managed to get any house work done either.

I was going to write more, but really, who wants to hear about my weird health issues? I am just tired.

The incredibly boring life of me

2009-10-29T18:40:00.002-05:00

I am crabby. Doesn’t take a medical degree to figure out that I am experiencing symptoms of depression. I can’t concentrate for very long.

Today I had a few tasks to do. I had to go to PT, the bank, the post office, get car insurance quotes, fix a glitch in my resume, and write a few cover letters. This is not much, really. Eight hours later…I have yet to do the resume and cover letter stuff. I am stuck in 1st gear. How the hell am I going to manage getting a job? I purposely filled my day with structure (and self loathing) Anyways....

Let’s see if I can go a day without eating a bag of Halloween candy.

From zero to 60 in 3 secs flat

2009-10-28T12:34:00.002-05:00

I am overwhelmed. I have my first successful ebay auction. I made $20 between five items. I know, pathetic. But it was stuff I didn't need anymore.

My wild animals are driving me nuts. My cockatiels are full of love today...and my allergies are in overdrive. They have both decided they want to be cuddly today. Yesterday they wanted nothing to do with me. I feel bad, but I just threw my bird. He is flying well, I had him jump on my hand and then I moved my hand in the direction of where I wanted to go (throwing him by sending him in the air upside down of sideways...that would be mean)...it was a nice way of telling him to go visit his buddy. They are going to eat one of my plants now. *sigh*

I looked at the job finder, and with much encouragement from a job coach (yeah, I have one do to my "disability"). Lots of jobs, lots to do.

laundry
mailing ebay stuff
sending resumes
blah blah blah

Pain is for losers

2009-10-27T22:27:00.001-05:00

I have “trapezius myalgia” which is a fancy way of saying… my shoulder and neck hurt...and I get headaches all the time, but there really nothing wrong… you big fat loser! Seriously... “Big fat loser” is mostly like in my pt notes somewhere. Oh wait… I am on Medicaid, so that makes me a super duper loser!
It really makes me wonder. I have carpel tunnel and I have to wear custom splints. I have some weird lumber spondylothesis with a herniated disc. But really…it all boils down to Myalgia….muscle pain. Medical providers then created diseases using this word to secretly encrypt to other medical doctors that they think the patient is a loser. Loser= “fibromyalgia.”

I guess I am….disappointed. I have been going to a sports medicine place for a few years now. I have seen one of the physicians, a fellow, and two pas. Even if the PA is the best in the world, I feel dismissed somehow. If you are going to the mid-level practioner, one may assume that you are somehow uncomplicated, simple, and easy. I go to an NP for my ob/gyn…cause I AM easy (not pregnant, no problems, etc…). So what does that say about my carpel tunnel, myalgia, and spondylothesis? Not that serious….simple….dismissed?

So I am in pain. I am going to physical therapy…and hope that it get better.
I’ve had this on and off for ten years…so probably not.

I missed christmas

2009-10-07T19:56:00.003-05:00

My dreams haunt me. Last night I was lost in a mall and a hotel looking for the tour bus home. In my dream my family was having Christmas, and I was hours and hours away. I think in my dream. Even if we made the bus, it would still be too late. I missed Christmas.
Grief and real life stresses are making it difficult to get much accomplished in the day. I spent a lot of my day playing stupid mindless computer games. It is in some ways therapeutic (smashing virtual bricks…when you want to smash you head against the wall), but mostly, a means to avoid life…Happiness or suffering it doesn’t matter.
I thought I would try to articulate my feelings here. Grief, there is a lot of grief. My dad’s sister was inquiring about some of my mom’s clothes. I was rummaging through her closet. I really did not want my aunt to go “shopping” in my mother’s closets. There is no hurry. It is but one closet and chest of drawers in my parent’s whole house that hold her personal belongings. After my mother’s death I folded every sweater and hung every blouse. I went through the house collecting my mother’s clothes, shoes, and even lipstick. They are all in my old childhood bedroom. I have given some stuff away. Generic clothes that didn’t seem to have my mother’s imprint. But I still have my mother’s dirty clothes, the clothes she went to the hospital, tucked away in the back corner. I haven’t washed them, and I really don’t want to. That last evidence of her breath is there.
But the task was too much for me. Grief comes in waves. My life is so uncertain that it just seems as if I have been thrown in the sea without a safety vest (or a life jacket). I am still unemployed and uncertain. I am lonely and alone. But mostly, I miss my mom.

Fuck me

2009-10-05T21:28:00.002-05:00

Fuck me
Just fuck me over like a pissed on fruitcake
I guess it was just one more thing that broke my sore and angry back.
Other than the fact that my asthma is out of control
Other than the fact that I am still unemployed
Other than the fact that…my neck and back are all out of sorts….shooting pain to my pinkies, to my toes
Other than all of the crap
The window on my car door decides to go off it’s track
WTF, WTF, WTF, WTF
Why? Why me?
Why during another rainy spell…..lake effect rain…
I just want to bang my head against the wall
Except that my neck still hurts
Why does my life have to royal suck right now?

I am not a normal person

2009-09-22T16:53:00.002-05:00

I don't know what to say. I have a list of things to do, and list of things I shouldn't, and decided not to do anything? Or whatever.

I am either blue and anxious about life circumstances

-or-

Clinically depressed, again

I don't know what to do.

These precious things….

2009-09-02T20:52:00.002-05:00

let them bleed
let them wash away
these precious things
let them break their hold over me…

I heard this song and was instantly reminded of hurts of not long ago… early nineties…I was young. A mixture of breaking from a fucked-me-up-for-life painful circumstance, into a few moments of happiness, and down the rollercoaster of life. Yes, a moment of happiness there, just like a moment when I was 16. I think it was the alcohol and drugs that made me happy and skinny. Anyways…

Life goes on somehow as you find yourself …….lost (pun intended)

I am sad right now. Yes, I typically only blog when I am really sad, angry, or devastated somehow. As if there is a package of hurt, like a bomb, which must be dumped as soon as possible, without damaging those nearby.

he said you're really an ugly girl
but i like the way you play

I am unemployed, without health insurance, and am going through the hoops and red tape of bullshit public aid programs. The only place where family handouts are considered income. Where the burden of proof of a lack of income….. lies with those without the means to fill them.

and i died
but i thanked him

I had to drive 20 miles to meet with someone at the county veteran’s office to get a piece of paper to prove I was not a vet. Shame. It is a long story, but I was kicked out of the army. Okay, not really kicked out, but sent away cause I was fat. Or a girl. I still remember the asshole that stood over me and told me I was good for nothing….. it wasn’t basic training, and it wasn’t a “therapeutic” drill session. Let’s go ahead and hike in the sand for an hour without water…Memories I don’t want to think about….

holding on to his picture
dressing up every day

So… I have no job, no health insurance, $4 to name…

i wanna smash the faces
of those beautiful BOYS

My dad gives me $500 a month, and now my food stamps will go down..cause I got an income you know.

those demigods
with their nine-inch nails

so my friend has brain and lung cancer, not a good prognosis

these precious things
let them bleed
let them wash away

D and M’s house burnt down their children’s room is gone…their kids have nothing.

these precious things
let them break
let them wash away

The vultures want my mother’s clothes

these precious things
let them bleed
let them wash away
~Tori Amos

2009-08-19T13:01:00.001-05:00

Nobody is worth your tears, and the one that is won't make you cry.

A new path

2009-07-28T15:51:00.001-05:00

Sadness can still be found at the edges
Even if you find yourself laughing, hysterically at comedic websites
I am procrastinating, once again, at the idea of beginning my job search, at updating my resume, at calling the temping service.
Not having a job or academic demands for almost two months have left me unsettled, anxious, self-conscious,…of my return to the work world.
I am not sure if I have the energy for responsibility at the moment.
I have trained as a masters-leveled social work, but I find myself have little emotional energy to attend to other people’s trials, disappointments and heartbreak.
I find myself critical of other’s emotional investments in the superficial, while hypocritically spending a whole afternoon playing videogames.
One of the most challenging facts I have to face is the bitter taste I experience when I realize I spent so much time and investment into going to school, when I could have spent more time and energy on my mother.
I knew my mother was sick, instinctively, but I had no idea time was measured in days instead of months.
Grief is not a backpack one should wear when beginning a new career

The tolerance of neighbors

2009-06-23T12:49:00.002-05:00

Even though I have had my share of neighbor drama...
(My neighbors on one side trimmed (hacked) my shrubs
And the fucking RV...

The shrub people I have made piece with
And the RV guy reveled that his sister is an old high school friend
Small world.... ugh

I have gotten used to the RV, he moved it a foot forward
I think, to give me more sun for my garden.
But ironically, I miss the alcoholic posse...
Drunks, but mellow ones..(the other tenants)
The rv shield my view and waving ability.

The chores of the grieving

2009-06-23T12:46:00.002-05:00

My dad has become quite tolerant of my lack of employment.
When he saw my arm braces and facial expressions
And the bags under my eyes (last week)
He realized that I truly did have miserable luck
My primary doctor gave me cortisone shots,
And I feel ~lovely~!
I painted my bathroom over the weekend
(my bathroom is now bright yellow *$5 oops paint* so I look like I have liver failure while bathing)
Yesterday, I began a job search, and my dad helped me
Get my air conditioners ready.
I cleaned the dusty as hell cubby hole (air conditioner’s winter home)
And then entered the dark, danky, and slightly icky basement
I have a wet basement, actually, a cellar, without a sump pump
I have not cleaned it in a year or two.
There is also a makeshift root cellar, with decaying wooden walls
That is an inch from the sewer where my washing machine from upstairs poops bubbles
My house has issues in the sewer pipe department.
I am working on it…
Anyways…I am not sure if it was the dust (I am allergic), mold, or bleach
Or the diet coke I choked on, but I have a cough
I hope it is just allergies, and not a scary infection from yesterday’s ick fest
I wanted to see my friend in the hospital today
He just had brain surgery to remove a cyst (tumor?)
I think I need to wait out the cough
I see gardening in my future
ROTO-tilling! Yeah

a fucking rv

2009-06-16T21:20:00.001-05:00

After my mom died, things were actually going well
I took a few weeks off to mourn and process
Help dad, take my mom’s doggie (yes, he is too small and goofy to be known as a dog, too old to be considered a puppy) to the vet, go through my mom’s personal effects.
I also worked on my house: cleaned and organized, stained my porch, thought about painting my bathroom. I kept busy with long neglected household choirs and even helped my friends with their spring time projects. Things were well…I was even ready to look for a new life (or a job at least)
But now it is shit
The last couple of weeks have been a slide into multiple levels of angst. It started with the $$$ in my checking account dwindling, and was punctuated by a three in the morning burning streak through both my hands. I have carpel tunnel. And I fucked it up. Perhaps I should have NOT moved that pile of rocks…but I did not expect this. I have worn wrist braces to be every night for a year or more. However my wrists were so swollen it didn’t matter. My hands were even red.
I did see the specialist right away, who scheduled injections….well the lovely office canceled my appointment, blew me off for two weeks, and rescheduled me for a month later. WTF Thank you very fucking much. To add to insult, the office canceled my appointment, yet the office could not be bothered to return my phone calls for two weeks.
So, basically, I cannot sleep I am totally ready for a job, but my fingers go numb after 10 minutes of anything involving my fingers: typing, writing, using the computer mouse is the worse, I cannot even water my plants without numbness. I can’t hold a phone to my ear for very long.
I decided to call my psychiatrist because not having sleep was making me depressed. I called his private office (as we had arranged) and he asked me to make an appointment with him at student health. Even though I graduated, he said it would be fine. However, student health said I needed to see a (student) counselor. Fine, I met with her and she said I really wasn’t allowed to use the services because I graduated (I didn’t want to see her in the first place!) Anyway, they allowed me to see my psychiatrist. A week later…..
After telling him my sob story of pain and grief. He told me I was dealing with everything fine…but told me I needed a job. Then he told me he would not give me anything for sleep because it was really the pain.
I have an appointment with my primary doctor tomorrow; maybe he can take me out back and shoot me.
So to make matters worse, I have a new asshole neighbor. A new alcoholic tenant. There is now an ugly old RV parked 12 inches from my hedge. Lovely. He has already gotten into a fist fight with his friend the day he moved in. He has an RV, and trailer full of tanks and chemicals, and a dog. I nice dog I hope. I want a big fence.
And a moment of sleep…and my fingers to not feel like unattached sausages

2009-05-14T20:16:00.003-05:00

So I graduated the same day of my mother’s service
It was part of my design I suppose
My graduation was on Saturday at nine
And my mother’s party at one in the afternoon
We did not have a funeral
We had a get together at my parent’s house
With food drink and company
With mom in her pretty urn
Surrounded by flowers
No one cried, mostly laughing
Tears were dried for the days before

My brothers and wonderful, wonderful sis-in law
Even though my brother did most of the cooking at home
She made us dinner
While my five year old nephew helped me plant flowers outside
She even paid my dad’s bills, with his money of course
I tried to write two checks….that ended up being voided
They left; my brothers and my wonderful sis-in-law went home

Just me and my dad
And my mom’s poor grieving dog
I love that white ball of fluff
My dad and I trying to figure when he needs to go to the vet
Groomer’s today
I have now graduated
And have not looked for a job
Tending to my mom
Economy
Final papers
Now I relish my freedom
But fear my future
Job, Job, Job, JOB?
The cut flowers from the hospital has not died yet
It has been a week and two days

“You better look for a job”
“Take a month off”
“Are you sure you are ready?”
“The sooner you are independent the better”
“Take your time”

I am not looking for a job THIS week
I am not drowning in grief, nor sorrow
But I am still easy to tears
Stress of a new job? Yeah right
Next week? Maybe, who knows?

2009-05-13T21:21:00.001-05:00

My mother dying
It is so hard to accept, to grasp
That she is no longer with us, with me
I was there, to see the last breath
As I stroked her head
I didn’t notice the last breath
I just noticed the absence of it
I laid my head o my mother’s chest
And there was only silence

I guarded my mother through the process
As my brother and my dad left for the night
It was too hard to see for them, perhaps
I sent them away promising to keep watch
Through the night

The nurse was wonderful
I forgot his name, John, Matt, Ryan?
He cared for my mother
While she was still, herself
Sick, but still doing crossword puzzles
He thought she waited until my Dad left for the night

She waited until I started to stroke her hair
At three in the morning
I was there
But I still have trouble to believe
That my mother has died

Sad

2009-05-06T10:23:00.003-05:00

My mom died.
I was with her when she passed.
She will no longer be in pain...
She is at peace.

I will miss her...

2009-05-02T21:04:00.001-05:00

My mother is very sick in the hospital. She has just been diagnosed with cancer. It is most likely stage IV. It is not a good prognosis. Right now I am struggling with the chore of being the healthcare proxy, despite being the youngest, and keeping my out of town family informed.
Right now I plan my life in terms of minutes, hours, days…instead of months or years. I was not taken by surprise, as I have sat hopelessly begging my mom to see a doctor for months…years. My brothers who live out of town are stunned.
I have not cried so much in my life; however, I remained pretty strong. Yet there is only so much I can do over the phone. And my friends watched as my family crumbled around me, my brothers not allowing me a moment to breathe. One of my brothers is flying in tonight. Thank god, because I could not tell him everything was going to be okay, even if my mom is considered “stable.”
It is so acutely painful to see my mom this sick. I cannot describe it. I have never experienced this kind of grief. It is like the little girl inside me can only repeat over and over “I want my mommy.”
My family and I have always considered ourselves agnostic. However, if anyone has any ritual or prayer….
Actually, please take a moment. If you have been stressed out about the economy, working too hard, or even graduating…. Please remember, that it does not really matter as much as your loved ones. Please give you mother. Father, significant others, children and friends a very big hug.

You can accomplish great things....

2009-04-26T13:53:00.001-05:00

While procrastinating…..
I am actually exhausted and very sleepy. I have no idea why. Well, I slept in by pressing the snooze button for an hour. It is Sunday…so whatever. And my back hurts like hell. The small of my back. It has the feel of a joint issue, not muscle. I am icing it. It has been a beautiful weekend so far. Actually, it rained most of last night, which is my fault, because I watered my plants. My internet *GASP* was not working this morning.
So I cleaned my paperwork, and did laundry, and organized my coupon folder (just kidding).
Yesterday, my friend brought me to the 39 cent perennial sale. OMG. $100s later….I love gardening. I bought a ton of baby delphiniums and lupines. I have yet to successful grow a lupine. I have no idea why they give me trouble. But at 37 cents a bang, I figured I can try again! Delphiniums are great, except a couple of years ago the mice nibbled them away. I was going to make a new bed for these, let’s see. …
Anyways, I need to work on my paper. The very very last paper of my grad school career. Last class tomorrow, two more days of field. Last week’s field was hell (one family meeting from hell, one restraining order on a patient, mother and father beating each other up in their son’s room. SECURITY! The unit manager looking for me…. The bitchy nurse from hell. Two more days will be a breeze. I am so DONE with that place.
Graduation soon. Should I have a party? And when? I see Sallie Mae spent no time sending me my coupon book for my referred loan. And yeah…a job! What job? I am taking a couple of weeks off….so there….A job will come, I am sure of it. Seriously, I can temp…I got SKILLS! Right now? I want to plan my garden, a put up a fence.

What do I wanna be?

2009-04-11T19:18:00.004-05:00

If all goes as expected, I should graduate from school in less than a month. I will have my master's in social work. An MSW. I will sign up for the exam, hopefully I can manage to be a LMSW by the end of summer. I haven't signed up for the test, yet, because I want to be able to study for it.

So the biggest, scariest, weirdest feeling...is getting a job. First of all, I am a very talented bookkeeper. I was the controller/accounting and budget manager before I went to school. I plan on temping right after graduation as a bookkeeper so I don't have get franic about $$. So, I have been looking for a real job...

What should I do? I have interest in healthcare, forensic and the seriously mentally ill. I can do group work and case management, I can even do individual work if I really wanted to.
So...

There is an examine for probabtion officer in my county. They actually want MSW's in the job. But me with a gun? Hmm. Hey, I was an ROTC girl, I can handle the gun, but a job like that?

CPS worker exam- No ( I did not do any work with kids)

A local agency has an opening for their sex offending program. I may actually think about it.

Substance abuse? MICA clients I like, AA model...not sure.
I am a harm resistant type of person.

What to do....fummpt

Tired

2009-04-07T17:45:00.001-05:00

I am still alive...just crazy with school work...
Yawn!

oh..it is snowing! My pansies are cold

attack Cake!

2009-03-18T21:35:00.002-05:00

I've just been attacked by my birthday cake...okay...
Really, a plate that had a piece of cake on it...
It feel down, went boom, shattered, and decided to cut my leg.

I don't what is more gross....my leg will not stop bleeding...or the fact that it looks like the strawberry filling! ERrrrrrrwwwwww!

cough cough

2009-03-07T00:52:00.002-05:00

Damn it...I have a cold.

I had a crazy week full of papers, classes, internship drama, and doctors appointments. My psychiatrist suggested I was just stressed out and that I wasn't *really* depressed. After this hellish week, maybe he was right.
One of things I notice is that I do not have alot of energy. I am not sure if I am going to be able to handle a 40 hour work week after graduation. Maybe 30 hours? Depends on how stressful my future job may be.

Anyways, The one doctor who did give me drugs was actually a rPA but anyways.....I got a script for flexeral (spelling?)...the med you take to get a good morning when every fucking muscle in your body decided to cramp up...anyways. But the best for last:

Monday, I will get some lovely cortisone shots in the wrist ****shutter****
my fine motor skills have tanked. I was asked if I wanted a shot in the back too...
um...that sucked....um....maybe....one thing at a time

I am miserable....

2009-02-27T19:36:00.002-05:00

My arms hurt, I am tired, I am crabby, I have homework to do, my head hurts, my heart hurts, I never have fun anymore, I wish this damn crappy school shit will end, I am sick of working at my internship, I am sick of writing termpapers, I am sick of the rain, I am sick of the wind, I am sick of they grey, I am sad and depressed, and just wanted to paint a flower pot the other day.....but NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Haver to go to class, have to go to school, have to go to the doctor's appointment...where nothing ever changes, I hate my meds...those fucking mood stablizers that have stabilized my mood to be low low low. I am on so many fucking drugs an I still have to work REALLY hard to smile. I just wanted to fucking paint a flower pot, or grow a plant, or fucking color a goddam coloring book...I am just so fucking irritable and angry at this life I created...where all I do is work and work and work, and I have $23.56 in the bank...but it doesn't matter because I will just spend money trying to fill my empty heart full of bullshit things liked colored flowerpots and crayons that I don't have the time to do anyway. I am not happy, I am not happy right now. I have not been happy in a long time. I try to smile when the birds outside do silly things or the sun shines for a moment...but I am just fading fading into unhappiness.... and I cannot even cry. And yet my scatic nerve remind me that my body is as broken as my mind. I try so very hard not to hate myself, but the feeling stays. It is funny that I feel like crap because I saw my doctor in the elevator the other day. I am just so fucking tired of not having fun

Don't fence me in!!!!

2009-02-23T18:35:00.006-05:00

I admit, I admire winter. I like the white fluffy snow, the coziness of a roaring fire (If only I had a fireplace!)...and cuddling with fluffy blankets...
However, I am cold, I am sick of being cold. It is in teens....and windy. Blah!

So I thought of spring. Today I planted some seeds in those little plastic greenhouses! But most important I thought of my garden, and what I want to do this spring.

I want to finish "fencing" my yard. I have been wanting to put a goldfish pond (the poor woman's Koi). However, I want to make sure my yard is secured before creating such an attraction. It is just not in my nature to put up a chainlink fence. I would LOVE LOVE a wrought iron fence (or it's modern metal equivalent) but I cannot afford it. A picket fence would be nice...but I just have to see what is out there....so I searched creative fences and this is what I found:

cool!

bowling balls?

Lace!

I like this one!

Mardi Gras

fish!

My favorite

huh...

2009-02-20T18:58:00.003-05:00

Another exhausting crazy day at my internship. Family meetings, assessments, one health care proxy, one DNR issue, one funny dude....
A few guards, police officers, with prisoners

Followed by an Amish man holding a newborn baby.

2009-02-17T17:29:00.002-05:00

There is no hurly hell like sitting at the library, laptop open, writing a paper.
Many a days, I spent in front of a computer, hysterically silent, staring at the monitor.
I wonder what is so magical scary about academic writing
That makes me tremble like a wet cold cat in the dead of winter
It is the procrastinating disease that grips me
I am trying to recover, by sitting here in silence, weeks before it is due…
Will I just broaden my suffering?

Random

2009-02-16T17:10:00.003-05:00

Activities and thoughts for the day:

9:00 WTF, a traffic jam at school?
9:00 Late for class, oh good...he did not start yet
12:30 I am hungry, get food. New fancy fresh pasta station in cafeteria. Second try...still a disappointment. Now completely disappointed with the food at the student Union. Had chocolate frozen yogurt for dessert.
1:30 oH GOODY! I read two chapters while dining
1:35 waiting for bus to take me to the other campus
1:50 Pick up Rxs. I had $80 worth of scripts. I have a $10 copay. OMG...what am I going to do when I get out of school?
2:10 On bus.....*gasp* *gasp* what is that smell? Exhaust? Cleaning solution? I cannot breath. I am never sitting in the back of the bus again. *gasp* Gasp* *cough* Cough*
2:30 Awww fresh air...But wtf....I am walking behind a smoker. I need oxygen!!!!!!
3:00 Walk to CVS on campus, buy stuff for my hair. I hate my hair. I just got a new cut, I hate it. My hair looks like a dirty mop. I now have three "Got2B" products...will one work!!! I got a new brush and clips too. I really hate my hair
3:30 I still can't freaking breath.....where is my car? Does walking an acre to your car count as exercise? *gasp*
4:15 Go to eyeglass place to get my glasses bend back into shape. Hey..there is only so much you can drop glasses until they bend. Much better! It was free! and the little old guy who did it called me sweety....giggles
4:30 Dollar stores are dangerous
4:35 FINALLY got a picture taken for a passport...at Rite Aid! Seriously...bad hair, stupid sweatshirt....it is bad!
4:44 OUCH!!!!!! I car door closed on my thumb! How the heck?????? OUCH!!!
4:45 Hm...maybe I should take in more x-mas decorations. We had lots of snow until late last week. A herd of deer are now in my attic. Oh wait...green lights from x-mas for St. Patties Day!
5:30 Oh no, bubbles the fish looks like he is checking out of this cruel world. Oh no...I killed another fish... Make fish tank a pretty shade of blue.
5:30 Laundry...when does it end?

Okay...now I should eat dinner, do more laundry and cite my last paper. UGH!

To sleep, perchance to dream....

2009-02-15T15:59:00.002-05:00

Hypersomina...wow

I woke up at 3PM today. I got giddy thinking I could sleep in today...but holy crap. I was hoping to sleep in until 10am...maybe

I had weird ass dreams
Seriously

I am tired and I have a headache now.
And I have a paper due tomorrow
Crap

I thought it was thunder....

2009-02-13T18:32:00.002-05:00

Last night...
I thought I heard thunder

In line for coffee...
the man balancing 8 cups
with MEDICAL EXAMINER on his shirt

The phone call during a meeting
...a request for samples
to study

I was late to the hospital
My car coated in ice
...from freezing rain

And the sun shining so bright today

Fear

2009-02-10T11:17:00.002-05:00

As I grew older, my fears change. As an example, I have a healthy fear of UNSECURED heights. My fears have become more logically based, perhaps. I have things that I don’t like, but are not true fears. I have a strong dislike for open spaces, like a big field. I am not afraid them, I would just prefer to walk in the woods. However, I am not a huge fan of boating on the great lakes and much as the rivers. But sailing across the ocean…frightens me. Unless it was on a big ship. Not many people think about sailing across the ocean. However, my friend did just that. 45Foot sailboat, helping friends, on the Pacific. They only got 1/3 of the way before trouble. Something broke, and they headed back to MEXICO. I also have a fear of swimming near seaweed. Anyways…
I try to challenge my fears. I have always been afraid of giving blood. There was a blood drive at school. I waltzed in. They took my name and other data, the prick….They have me on the chair, tourniquet on, iodine applied, Vein marked. Then I saw tubes, and someone else’s blood donation. The blood drained from my face. I just told myself to relax. Then I broke into a sweat, my stomach turned, I got dizzy…… Um….I told the tech (who seriously was not very reassuring to the newbie, who stated they were afraid, while she untangled and dangled all the tubes on my legs and body) I didn’t feel so good. She told me to relax, yesh….. I did not pass out, because they quickly tiled my head back and gave me juice. I was shaking. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, and wimpy. I guess I am still afraid to give blood. Thankfully I have an uncommon/not much in need blood type (B+). But I feel like such a dork. I am too much of a wimp to give blood.

Ouch!

2009-02-08T13:12:00.001-05:00

Pulled muscle...back hurts....blah

Oh lord...

2009-02-03T21:04:00.002-05:00

Due to my crappy student health insurance, I go to the psychiatrist at school. I really like the guy! As part of this "perk," I need to go to a councelor at the school. Last sememster I went to group counseling. It was okay.
Anyways, I want to try individual this time. A new perspective, perhaps. Anyways, out of 15 "therapists"..... Half being licenced professionals, and half being students.... they assign me to a student. A student of what I have no idea.... And that concerns me. Four student are in my graduate program, two of them I have worked on a research project with!

Anyways, I have been assigned a graduate assistant. In what field? I have no idea. I hope it is with someone who has at least had as much clinical education as I have. In other words, if it is someone who just graduated with their BS in psychology, I would be peeved. I would say that I hoped to be just annoyed...but I am entitled to at least a fucking grad student.
Seriously....
It is bad enough that a few of my classmates can read my file....

God I hope this is not a disaster!

And for the record.....I have continued to see my "real" therapist

Glass houses...

2009-02-03T20:39:00.002-05:00

Have you ever got really annoyed at system...and realize that you are part of the problem? Or have you ever got annoyed at someone, and realize you do the same thing?

I've been getting annoyed and burned out...on the idea of being a social worker. It seems that in my fieldplacement and in my studies, and even in my friendships...we talk about our the crappy part of social work. At my internship I have been become very bitter about certain cases. The kind of issues in which the best case options are often dissmil. It is the family member that threatens physical violence to the staff. The very sick patient who has run out of benefits. The people who want to be placed at the ritzy nursing homes (that will cost $100K out of pocket-thank you very much), with medicaid.

It is the seriously mental ill patient with the crack addiction who gets bounced from ER, to assertive community treatment, to mental health court, to jail, to discharge with family members who steal their ssi check. It is a team of highly effective compassionate providers who can help. if only the patient lets them. It is the assertive community treatment team with no power. You know the only power honored by many MICA clients, are the ones with the payee...

It is the friend who tells me about the "ethical case" at work, with the healthcare proxy withholding care for a non-terminal illness. It just does not make sense.
The doctors, the nurses, the administrators are all in disbelief. It is one of those cases.

These things just make me so frazzled.

When I come across these things...I get so mad!!! I raise my voice, get fustrated, and get stressed. And then I take a breath, smile, and act like the good little social worker.

I am not sure if this good for my health

Time Warner is stupid

2009-01-17T17:54:00.002-05:00

I have never HEARD of Verizon FiOS until the dumb-ass Time Warner people kept advertising about why they are so much better!!!! Hm... Maybe I will check into it!

Guilt vs. The right to take care of myself

2009-01-16T14:03:00.000-05:00

I called in “sick” today, for my internship. The quotation mark around “sick,” is a means to quantify or qualify what is “sick.” I have many a chronic illness and have even been declared as “disabled” by governmental agencies (although I am not on SSI or SSD), but that is an entirely different event all together.
I am “sick” as I have an acute illness. I have a raging sinus infection that has required the administration of potent antibiotics. I have even had a fever a few days ago! But all in all….. I am less sick today that in the last few days. Yet…TODAY!!!! I called in sick.
Why? Cause I am sick of being sick. I have been sick on and off since December 20th. And by far more sick days then well.
So I called in sick today…and I feel guilty. I feel like I am playing hooky from work. Oh yeah, the work in which I am NOT compensated for, and in fact are paying for the opportunity. Now I am not complaining in the sense that I understand the role of the intern. I understand, maybe more than others. I will happily do great feats of grunt work for the opportunity to learn. However, I have found myself coming to academic stagnation. I have come to the point into which I think often…..”Why?”
“But why?”
My internship is in a big academic/trauma/county medical hospital. Often times, I come across the answer “we have always done it this way.” Okay…..”But why?”
And sometimes those “whys” and “we have always done it this way” have been mandates from the legislators on the hill. Sometime’s those “whys” are based on the imperfect system in which certain entities are allowed to profit, while others drown in unfunded or underfunded mandates.
But the why’s that piss me off are of the ones that emerge from inter-departmental mudslinging. Ones in which my financial/ administration background recognize as interdepartmental bullshit. And being in a department that has often been the dumping ground of said bullshit.
So anyways, I find myself in a position in which I feel I have the courage to say “NO!” In the most compassionate way possible. I at times become frustrated by the fact that me…as the little itty bitty intern (or STUDENT-to not be confused with intern doctors) have been able to get things done. I have decided to take on those annoying cases. Cause…trust me, I know how it feels to be burned out. I’ve been there.

Anyways, I fin d myself still in the guilty frame of mind. I called in sick. I called in sick, because I am sick of being sick. And there is a part of me that recognizes that if this was a “real” job,. I would have come in. If my presence somehow mattered. But I know that half the time I am just in the way. Anyway. I still feel guilty.
Anyways…I really am sick. And part of my internship, I am being graded as been professional and present. I am not blowing off my internship. I am even using this time to arrange a list of things I would like to discuss with my field educator…THINGS I WANT TO DO AN LEARN. Anyways….
I still feel guilty.

My head hurts!

2009-01-15T00:11:00.002-05:00

I went to the doctor, he actually had me get x-rays of my sinuses. As I was sick just three weeks ago (no two weeks ago!) I was worried about always getting sinus infections after someone at the hospital sneezed on me!

Anyways, two days after my doctors appointment, I keep getting worse. I had to wait a day for the x-ray results...anyways. The nurse calls me and askes me all sorts of questions and gets my pharmacy number. I got my expected nose steriod spray, and an antibotic.

Um...OMG!

Levaquin?

...and they tell me I don't look sick....

Sick sick sick

2009-01-12T07:51:00.002-05:00

I am sick of being sick!

My coworkers at the hospital were sick as shit. The intern came in to save the day! No surprise, I am sick as shit now. Started with a fever, muscle aches and chills. Then I grew neon orange snot! My snot has decided to go with a fashionable brownish green. I have a sinus infection...of what sort? I have no idea. I just had a sinus infection! Last night I woke up every ten minutes after coughing myself to death. Anyways, I should probably see my doc. What pises me off? everyone says I don't look sick! WTF!

Oh...and I start my first day of school. sick as shit....

2009-01-07T22:31:00.001-05:00

I must admit, I am a medical blog junkie. It started with shrinkrap, a blog I stumbled upon while doing research on some random topic for school. I then found links to other mental health providers, Foofoo (one of my favorite bloggers). Then I stumbled upon other health providers like bongi, Dr. Rob, and Midwife with a knife. Then…I stumbled on docs and nurses from the ER life whitecoat and Nurse K…and then I stumbled upon some very bitter and over the top writings like MDOD….
At times I got annoyed at some docs complaining about charity care and non-urgent ER visits. At then many stories were read about drug seekers, people who go to the ER for a band-aid, and the “Medicare bank.” I have been accused of being a bleeding heart liberal. I like to say I am tolerant. I try to be tolerant of existing in a troubled world, and yes I went to social work school to try to change it a little. As I have been an accountant and managing a finance office of a medical clinic, I know a wee bit about medical finances.
So anyways…
I am bitter and pissed off. I am pissed off at the government, insurance providers, other health agencies, the administration, the family members, and the god-damn patients!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I am mad, angry, and waiting for a fight. I am interning as a discharge planner in the inpatient acute rehab (think physical therapy) of a level one trauma center.
Thing that piss me off:
Patients who think that the hospital is a hotel: Many of our patients need handicap assessable housing or home modifications to return to the community safely. We do everything in our power to ensure that this can happen. We order DME (equipment) and have it delivered to their house! Our therapists will go to the home to do a professional evaluation. We will make sure people have Medicaid. We will ensure they have an income (ssi) We will even secure an apartment for people! But! There are always a couple of people who think that the hospital is a hotel with maid service! One of these wonderful hospital tourists complained to us because they had a semi-private room! UGH!!!! Some patient had their 6 year old daughter stay the night! WTF! The administration is even involved with these cases!
Asshole family members: Seriously, one more complete spinal cord injury patient’s husband, or mother who thinks Suzy is going to walk home …ugh! One more stupid mother**king family member who give there peg tubed and trached loved one a big drink of water cause they look thirsty! Ugh!!!!!! I can understand if the patient like asked for a glass of water…but gee, when you keep giving your dad glasses of water after multiple times that he had choked and almost code, after how many teaching moments….when we have to supervise family members….people should go byebye.
Nursing homes: Of course! You don’t have any Medicaid beds!! You are evil you know. All of you are evil.
Medicaid: you pay for so many things! Yeah! Yippie! But no one takes you! Boo! Seriously, can we charge some copays? Like….hm….$5 for a medical transport, $25 for a ER visit, how about $100 for having a baby? Sure Outpatient visits can be free (I am down with that!), prescriptions can be free! But seriously, can someone buy their own damn cough syrup (or even a little bitty copay!) Can we have copays to encourage responsible healthcare usage? And then we can have waiver programs (to waive fees) when people are sick as crap and cannot afford cough syrup?
Customer service: I’ve been on hold for 20 min and you just told me to hang up and call the person who just told me to call you!!!!
Anyways, I will do all in my power to make your discharge as smoothly as possible. I will be pissed as hell on your behalf when you get screwed over… I will listen to you complain, I will even order a horse driven chariot for your travel home. All I ask…..
Go to therapy some of the time. Don ‘t scream at the staff or your relatives ( and if you are altered in any way we will forgive you immediately with a big smile). No drug dealing on the floor. Take a shower when it is offered. But please….when we fix you…..GO HOME!!!!

Feed the World

2008-12-24T16:08:00.001-05:00

Feed the World

2008-12-24T15:57:00.001-05:00

The Garden of Eatin': A Short History of America's Garden from roger doiron on Vimeo.

Romance around the heating pads....

2008-12-15T21:27:00.002-05:00

So...I haven't been on a date in a while. I have been busy with school, and haven't been in that frame of mind. However, I do have an issue with dating. I put on a bunch of weight with all of the FAT MAKING meds. The meds make everyone gain weight, I've even skinny dudes gain weight on the stuff. But, of course I have not been eating very well either. Yuck. So I am more overweight than I would like to be, and it has made me not want to date.

I have issues with seeing myself naked, I am not ready for an audience.

Anyways, I was x-mas shopping today and not one...BUT TWO!!! College aged boys flirted with me. Okay, maybe one guy was being nice...but the other guy? He was FLIRTING!

*blush*

Made my day!

Ugly Christmas lights!

2008-12-15T13:45:00.006-05:00

I have found the coolest site!

According to the U.S. Government, this detainment camp does not exist.:

The inflatables were out for their hour of daily exercise before they had to go back to their cells.:

So THIS is how those light bulb reindeer are made!:

Inflatables wobble but they don't fall down!:

We've come here today to pay our respects to this poor beast of burden.:

The penguins claimed they didn't see anything, but eveyone knew Frosty had whacked Santa with his cane.

The windy windy wind...

2008-12-15T13:33:00.003-05:00

It is slightly warmer today with rain, instead of snow. But it is much much colder to the senses. It is very windy, and creepy. My cheesy blow mold santa went *boom* down the stairs. Almost, anyways.

I am done with school. I spent all weekend at the folks house playing with the *fluff ball,* er um..the dog. My brother was in town. Speaking of family...I will be traveling to MUSIC CITY USA!!! after x-mas to see my other bro.

I finished up school. So far I got a B in a class. I was getting an A, but I sort of faded on the final. Oh well. It is done, I learned, all is well. I have a ton of paperwork to do for graduation. I had paperwork due a couple of weeks ago that was suppose to be signed off by my advisor. Oops! he is now out of town. I was going to hand it in as a draft...whatever. I have to go to the student pharmacy to pick up my meds for over the break. It is these little things that have to be tied together. I have a two week break from my internship. how nice!

This is such a boring little post.

Anyways, I got a charlie brown X-mas tree that looks like it has wispy curls on ot's head. It is fantastic! It goes in an out like an hourglass. A lady with humpa-wompa curves. It is much taller then me, and only cost $20! I love those dorky trees! I also put up my cheesy 50's silver aluminum tree. It's branches pokes me in the ass when I walk by. I love x-mas decorations. It makes me giggle!

I should get my stuff together and try to make it to school before life takes over...
blah!

blah!

2008-12-08T22:35:00.001-05:00

One more paper and I will be done, done, done!!!!
I have locked myself into my house and turned off all of the radios and TV. Like a child who cannot have dessert without eating their vegetables…
I have spent the last two hours staring at my ice cold mixture of corn and peas. (Or maybe carrots?) I have now hit the…I would rather cut off my arm…than finish my paper syndrome. Seriously, term papers are my personal hell. I have an acute stress reaction with them all! I have read 5 peer reviewed articles and reviewed a chapter in the txt book.
I took some time to plastic encase one of my windows (three completed) that face the ‘weather.’ As it has been about 15 F degrees out, it was a necessary thing to do. And aw hell…it looks like crap….You should see my awful tape job…my hairdryer work was pathetic. But it is a cheap way to keep cozy…
OH YEAH back to my procrastination hell. It is now 11:30 and I have done little to show for my efforts. The paper is due 5PM tomorrow. UGH!

Duh!!!!

2008-12-07T12:44:00.002-05:00

So...it is a wonderful winter wonderland outside! It is snowy, freezing, and windy! But the sun is shining and reflecting off the snow, so very bright!

And me like an idiot have locked my shovels and ice melter in my shed/garage. My leaning tower of lawn mowers and bicycles was built without a proper sill plate. So my beautiful garage with lovely wood, lays directly on the ground. It's walls are bent and it leans on a telephone pole. It is actually a massive "out" building. However, when it gets cold, it freezes shut. Duh!

I forgot to get my snow gear out! I am such a dork!

Ouch!

2008-12-05T21:08:00.002-05:00

I banged my head...by accident. On a table in a coffee shop, while plugging my computer. I did it last night. I have a goose egg and I feel kind of spacy... My head hurts...kind of...

Anyways, I am watching ESPN for like the 2nd time in my life...cauae my collge football team is trying to win their conference!

My crossed eyes

2008-12-02T00:15:00.003-05:00

I have been staring at a computer for about 36 hours of the last 48? The end of semester...and I nearly strangled a group member. Actually, I didn't, but I had to play ms. police lady. Wow, we are the dysfuntional group of rejects: bipolar, adhd, pregnant, and one part time employed student. I just loved how my life had revolved around other people's vacation schedules! Anyways. How did I become the chief? I agreed to compile the paper. Something in which I had expected and planned to do last night, turns out to be my goal tomorrow. I spent 3 hours something that someone else was suppose to do, and then asked me to do, and then did anyways. I want to scream! However, I am sure that everything will be fine with this paper.

Now all of these procastination and flurry of activity on opther projects have me behind in another deadline. I am suppose to finalize the paper for my group for tomorrow. On wednesday I have scheduled my internship and then my class in which this paper is due. Unless I decide to not sleep for the next 48 hours, I will not have the time to do my paper! So, my choices are to hand the paper in late (which is do-able, but I would just increase my suffering) or call my internship boss and cash in my "extra day" that I had scored esrlier in the semester. I would change my internship to thrusday but I have a dr appointment in the middle and that would be a hassle.

Anyways, I feel suprisingly...calm. I am in that academic zone in which it is better to just plow through then take a breathier. Except I am not 20 years old. I will sleep. Not much quality will emerge without sleep.

oh yes...As I have alternating strabismus that worsens upon stress...serious, I have crossed eyes with double vision!

2008-11-28T00:34:00.001-05:00

A bit of blue of late....

2008-11-27T13:09:00.004-05:00

I resorted to retail therapy. How seductive, I suddenly bought $145 worth of stuff on ebay (2/3 shipping costs)!

My new obsession, Blow molds! Here are some of my new purchases:

I attempted to read my blog

2008-11-26T16:56:00.003-05:00

... as an aggregated whole, as objectively as I can. It sure “ain’t look too pretty.” My posts reveal me to be not a storm, but a long chilly bought of rain. The type of low pressure that sticks around for a while. Not one that is celebrated in a drought, but one that trickles down the dam threatening villages downstream.
As if in my life, my real life, I often hold back emotions so strongly, I often cannot articulate or even understand my feelings, or their origins.
It is true that my emotions are tainted with the strong scent of a serious mental illness. One in which I have had a history of depressive symptoms that started sometime before I even hit puberty. I remember being alone in my room, very often, at the age of 9-10. I once remember painting a masterpiece of black over black, in watercolors. I remember at a very young age, somewhere around third grade, in which I believed that no one around me was real, That only I existed and everyone around me were robots, or I just lived in a dream. WTF How phenomenological of me.
Thinking back, that just seems such a lonely experience for a child, and I wonder what triggered these thoughts and feelings. I certainly have many happy childhood memories, but I do wonder one thing… WAS THIS FUCKING NORMAL?
So what came first, the “life experience” or the “mental illness?”
Anyways, I have been under the care of professionals for a few years now. I have issues .
I have had multiple M.D.s and one useless N.P. that told me I needed to talk to someone. I have been talking to the same person for a couple of years now. I am not sure what is really being said, or if I am truly listening.

My main issues are my recent masochistic tendencies. I some ways, they are sickly recreational. I know…”overshare” But essentially, whenever I feel distressed, my instinctual (or anti-instinctual) reaction to think of violent ways to self-destruct. My thinking has become more and more creative, even though my mood has been appreciating.

What is most upsetting to me, is my fear that someday I may actually, perhaps accidentally, kill myself. And it bothers me even more, because somehow, I think of death in hellish sorts of ways. I do not think of pretty little clouds and angels, but of pure…extinction.

Perhaps in very wise and successful fashion I have been taught and practiced the act of avoidance. The idea to swallow those feelings and move on. “Just get past them, don’t think about it, and go to bed. Put as much space between those feelings and yourself.” So they ride in the trunk on my road throughout life.

But I still don’t talk about it. Not even to those professionals.
Until this week. Someone called me on it.

No surprise, It wasn’t my tried (tired?) and true therapist who I keep because he can actually talk me down from the top of the cliff. He who reminds me consistently how much better I am doing, and that everything is going to be okay.

So I got called to the carpet… Who am I protecting? My friends, family, and um….therapist? Therapist?

So I apologize my dear readers (which at last count may have been 7 people). I am sorry that you have been reading my angst. Perhaps I should actually talk to my um…therapist.

(image: recklessly stolen from sources forgotten)

2008-11-23T13:23:00.001-05:00

'Twas the end of the semester, when all through the house

Was trash, upon dirt, upon paper about…

The student was hungry for a life without care

In hopes that winter break would soon to be there;

As she had woke up this morning, snuggled in bed,

There was APA, syllabi, and theories in her head!

The student would rather read the blog of shrink rap!

Or go back to bed for a rather very long nap

But soon her fingers were on the keyboard in clatter

She was hoping her writing would point to the matter

She thought of a new thesis in her brain like a flash

And hoped and prayed that MS VISTA would not crash

She struggled with subjects that she just did not know

And feared that the term paper might very well blow

With pencil in hand and spell check quite near

All she can think of is her new lighted reindeer…..

Motivation is the key to success...

2008-11-18T14:54:00.002-05:00

...And I have very little of it right now. I am just tired, ohhhh, so tired. I spent a few hours on a paper last night. It was due today. It was a paper I was completely unexcited about. Yesterday...my brain hit a wall. I was just so tired. My brain stopped working. I got the brain fog that often comes when getting a nasty little bug. And I was freezing. (It snowed today!). Anyway I handed it in and figured I neglected to deal with a few points in the assignment. I just love grad school. You can work three hours on a project and still flunk it...

Anyways, I am just tired. Maybe I am depressed, maybe I have chronic fatigue syndrome, maybe I need more sleep. Maybe I am just lazy.

Blah...

I am grumpy...and here I go back to doing school work that I don't want to do....

Has sloth ever killed someone?

2008-11-10T10:59:00.002-05:00

I am so very tired and unmotivated.
I just do not feel like doing homework and papers. The family meetings that I face this week at my internship make me want to ….hide under a pillow.
I am just so tired and uninspired.
I don’t do well with unstructured time off when I am feeling mediocre. Unstructured time off when I am feeling creative and energized is a lot more fun!
I am in that slump in that if I have “time” on my hands, I should be doing school work. And if I am NOT doing school work, I should be doing something productive.
So…if I don’t want to do homework...than I end of cleaning my house for 4 hours. I am a worker bee like that. It sucks to be a PROCASTINATOR! What wonderful things I accomplish while procrastinating! Like this blog post…which is not so productive?
I waste a lot of time doing stupid stuff…Like play this game or that.
I cannot wait until my winter break so I can make a quilt or something.

2008-11-04T21:25:00.000-05:00

why? Why? why?

2008-11-03T20:33:00.002-05:00

Why does my heart turn to stone sometimes? Or maybe my eyes just forgot how to weep. I had another moment of unexplainable emotional dispair. Perhaps a bit of blue belnded with academic stress, and a medication adjustment. I just slammed into a wall of frozen sadness.

See...when I am feeling depression, I find it hard to cry. And then my mind devises maladaptive ways to feel the pain. Not so good. It was just a termpaper...but perhaps a termpaper that forced me to explore a topic I did not wish to think about. Sometimes I hate my schooling in those ways. I just have some history that is hard to deal with...

So anyways, I am in a bad mood. But my growling plant (halloween decoration) made me giggle.

These guys remind me of my cockatiels:

2008-11-02T22:00:00.001-05:00

I was going to post...

2008-11-02T21:24:00.002-05:00

About politics, but I am just so sick of it all. I am sick of people who blindly align with which ever party, without question. I am the most sought after... "the swing voter." My state is very much a blue state. My vote hardly counts in Presidential elections. Although...In other races, I do very much matter, I hope.

Anyways, I really don't want to rant.

But maybe I will anyways:

I don't understand that when democrats spend money, it is called "big Government," but when republicans spend money....it is okay. Of course I can use the huge example of how much we spend on defence spending vs. programs for the poor...but that would be un-American of me. But weirdly, one of the most expensive new public benefit was brought to us by republicans. The medicare drug benefit. I am totally down with it, but the irony is just too much for me.

Why is it that some doctors do not prescribe Plan B. How can a gyn be in practice who does not believe in birth control. Oh...and how can I trust a doctor who thinks that Plan B is an aborificant? It freaks me out that there are medical personal the are against birthcontrol. If you are so, um, religiously motivated, I am not sure I want you to be my doctor. My friend just had an issue with this. Wtf

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.....How fiscally conservative people can support republicans, as they are generally fiscally irresponsible with our money. I mean this in a purely accounting way. If you lower taxes, be fiscally responsible an lower expenses. It seems taxes are lowered, and we just end up in debt (I see this locally and nationally).

Anyways. I can support fiscally conservative people who do not want to "throw money" at a social problem. I think the public should support non-profit agencies that are efficient, effective, and responsible with public resources.

But whatever....

Don't get me started on how un-American us New Yorkers are to the eyes of many.

Politics...as not usual

2008-10-28T21:15:00.003-05:00

In 2002, I became a Democrat.

I became a Democrat because President George W. Bush was no where to be found when the the towers came down. Rudolph Giuliani lead the country that day, by offering leadership and hope to a grieving nation.

In 2003, we invaded Iraq because our president was daddy's little boy. In the early days, I was one of the few people who questioned the logic of that campaign.

In 2005, Bush failed miserably again, this time it was FEMA.

I have not always been a Democrat. Perhaps as a reaction to my father's kind of liberalism in which he thinks only of "me me me."

I believed that people should work hard and give back to the community. I joined the army, and tried to go to pharmacy school.

Things were not so good. Lets just say that the army made me a staunch feminist.

Anyways, I started subbing at a really bad High school and was sicken by the incredible waste of resources, for a school that had nothing. A school that paid teachers not to teach, and paid for a gang of useless security guards instead of books.

Anyways, I started looking at things in very Macro ways. I also became a controller of a pretty large company.

I knew how money works. Really

So my point?

to be continued.....

This is hysterical!!!!!

2008-10-19T10:03:00.001-05:00

How DARE he!

2008-10-16T19:56:00.002-05:00

I used to think Senator John McCain was an honorable person. I belived him to be rational and compassionate, and independent. But now I am simply outraged. My wellbeing of a woman means nothing to him.

I understand that John McCain is a pro-life individual. I don't agree, but I can respect that. However, Senator McCain went over the top...

I am outraged!

Senator McCain dares to mock women's "HEALTH".....

Debates!!!

2008-10-08T19:40:00.003-05:00

So my brother randomly calls me yesterday. "Oh...by the way....are you watching TV?" Um...no....I am about to go to class. "Well...hee hee we are at the debate!" Huh? Duh! Oh yeah, I forgot that my brother is a big smarty pants...and he lives like Less than a mile from the debating site! So of course I missed half of the debate to see if my brother or sis-in-law were picked to be part of the "townhall" group. They were not, but still in attendence.

So my brother txts me and tells me on their walk home (they live THAT close!)

"we saw the motorcades on the way home from Belmont...Obama waved....McCain just looked pissed!!!!"

Priceless

Picture: Threadless

YAWN!

2008-10-04T12:36:00.002-05:00

So….l am just about to balance my checkbook, and then read my e-mail. Then I will clean my book bag…then………maybe I’ll do my paper. I hate writing papers. So therefore I procrastinate. I do get a great deal of stuff accomplished before starting projects such as these. I have been needing to balance my checkbook for some time.
So I am at the big, bright, annoyingly obnoxiously decorated undergraduate library. The upstairs is not so bad…but there are still parts of it that has orange walls and a green rug that was considered old when I first went to college here 15 years ago. I guess is it better than the “temporary” shack that I have a class in. We have these awful buildings that were built in the 60s, that were suppose to be temporary. Do the math…I have never know such a “temporary” building would last so long.
I am here at the dreadful undergraduate library because the 7 other libraries close early today, while I am not sure this library ever does….24 hours a day!!! I have actually known of homeless (living out their car) students who have spent many of night here.
Anyways…I better get back to more productive modes of procrastination.

Black Tomatoes

2008-10-02T20:51:00.002-05:00

I was just going to give up on my garden...when I saw the beautiful bright yellow poking out of the green. My first yellow tomato, I also found a pink tomato, and a black one too!

I grew exotic vegetables this year. Then I forget what they look like. And then you find a weirdly colored but completely bloated speciman...and then you say...oh yeah!

So today I had three different kinds of tomatoes for dinner...

The yellow was my favorite!

So what am I suppose to do?

2008-09-29T19:34:00.002-05:00

What is wrong with me?

I have been not feeling great.
Can't sleep, the beginnings of depression, and I cannot concentrate.
My therapist is in agreement that things are getting worse.

So I have new health insurance
Student insurance, which is shitty insurance
So I had my first visit with my new Psychiatrist

I was nervous, very nervous.
I told him my mental health history
And the various diagnoses I have had:
dythemia, major depression, bipolar II, Borderline personality disorder, dissociative disorder NOS.

Am I bipolar? maybe. I am certainly fucking depressed alot of the times.
My Dad is bipolar. When my atheist dad decided one day that Jesus magically made dinner and looked to the sky with glee to tahnk him for all of the green lights on the way from the grocery store.......There is no question of diagnosis there.

Yeah, my dad had a psychotic manic moment. He is fine now, really.

Have I ever been manic? No. hypomanic? Yes. Who has not been hypomanic at some point? Okay, so maybe my hypomanic moments involved some fully nude naked Canadian strippers... that may sound hypomanic to many people, me? I am not so sure.

So the Doctor saw my history, my med list, and my complaints (cannot sleep) and told me he thought I was on a cocktail of meds that were not really indicated. He said that the mood stabler I was on wasn't very effective for bipolar II so it might not be doing anything. I have seriously wondered why the hell I was on this drug (I did not see a benefit) However, I have read alot that said it was the drug of choice for bipolar II.

He was not going to change my meds because he just met me. He told me I should stop drinking caffiene and exercise more (very reasonable). And if I have suicidal thoughts, to try to not obsess over them. (are you kidding me?)

So...what do I do with this?
What is wrong with me?
Am I unipolar, bipolar, or just fucked up?
If these drugs are not right for me (I agree, I totally agree)
Why am I still taking them?
And again, why have I gone to all this therapy, taken drugs, and...

end up always depressed? I am not complaining about being sad, but thinking about sticking a gun in my mouth is shooting is a really crappy thought to start your day with! (no, I ma not actively suicidal right now, no worries).

Basically, I have been given my prescriptions, and told to make an appointment some time between one month and two. (don't hit your ass on the door on your way out?)

Seriously, The doctor was very smart and reasonable and he did tell me to call him if I needed to.

But....it still just make me kind of lost.
I actually feel worse now than I have had in a long time.

It just seems hopeless.
This just made me really very sad.

I feel like I have been rejected by a mental health professional for the upteeth time. I just felt like he showed me a carrot and just hid it away.

I feel like....shit

I just feel like shit

Anyone from Downstate?

2008-09-28T20:19:00.002-05:00

(That would be in New York)

In my social work mental health policy class, we have to explore a county in my state and determine what services are available for people with mental illness. We are to determine what barriers may be present, and what advantages that they may have.

Anyways, My group was assigned Westchester County. It was very interesting for us because the county is similar in population and many demographics than the county I live in, except the per capita income is double ours.

This county seems to be rich in resources, as in many agencies that can serve the population. It seems that the county may be a model for childrens mental health. So what could be bad?

Well, as I live 8 hours away from this county, it is hard for me to speculate. I called some advocacy agencies and was not given any useful information.

So my educated guesses:
Transportation is a big issue. As it is so close to NYC, I am sure many people rely on communter trains to get to NYC. However, I bet the local public transportation might just be crap. It seems most communities that are close to a big city, but are still far away, usually reley on people DRIVING to the bus station to get to work. Their local community is still an autodependent area.

Cost of living: The cost of living in Westchester is pretty damn high. I bet many people struggle in the working class, yet are well above the poverty line. This is that syndrome in which McDonalds pays $10...but it is well under a living wage. You may no longer qualify for foodstamps, and other benefits. You slip between the cracks. Not enough money to be secure, too much to get help.

This is my thinking...any comments?

Critical mass....

2008-09-18T19:18:00.002-05:00

On the critical rehab unit. I am seeing things that most people could only a imagine.

I have been working in the acute rehab department of a "Regional Trauma hospital." The hospital serves a 8 county area. When someone has fallen, and can't get up, or has been "sick as sh*t" they would mostly end up here. And we get the sickest of the sick.

Alot of the patients have just had spinal chord injuries. The majority of the patients I help are new para and quadriplegics.

There are others who are sicker than sick sick sick sick. Young adults who stumble upon an injury, and then get MRSA pneumonia, and then..."oh by the way" you have a funny looking cyst.....Yeah those.

I have seen the kinds of Traumatic brain injuries whereas there are so many stitches, I lose count. There are people who can walk, while in a coma. You can see it in their eyes that they are trying to swim their way out.

I have learned what happens when someone has a very big fall. And how someone can manage after breaking multiple limbs.

There are some people who I get to know, that I wonder if they will live very long.

When are patients are discharged, we not worry about IV's, but central lines.

I am only a student, but I cannot believe the responsibility I now have. It is not a "true" responsibility, as I am only a student, but none-the-less I feel that I have it.

I had a family come to me with a serious concern
I was the one who made sure that women got home care
If I didn't sweet talk the wheelchair van people, that man would not of gone home
Yes, We were the ones that made sure the surgeons got the DVD from that other hospital ASAP
Yes, I talked to one of the department heads in the state capital to find out some obscure Medicaid law

I just find it really bizarre that In a hospital of med students and residents, and students.... that I talk to the attendings so much. And it is always so weird to walk up to a resident and tell them what to do (Of course, only in a messenger kind of way). It is like we are the doctor's clinical secretary. "Dr x, your attending wants you to write a Rx for the blah blah blah." (Which of course I have no idea what it is for-usually some medical equipment). It is just weird.

I hate papers I hate papers

2008-09-16T09:51:00.002-05:00

I had writing APA papers! I hate term papers, I hate it hate it hate it! Some people have test anxiety, I have writing anxiety! My first paper of the semester is due tomorrow. I was the queen of procastination yesterday!

Thank god (for me) that my morning class was canceled (however, it is now about the time the class would of ended...so maybe not very good).

I have this afternoon to write this paper. I am going to go to school so I can work in the library instead of being distracted at home.

Of course, I am exhausted. I couldn't sleep last night. I tossed and turn for hours. Despite taking seroquel and benedryl. I resorted to taking klonopin. And I still had trouble sleeping.

This is sucks. My body and brain suck. I have an appointment with a new psy-doctor soon. I had to change docs cause of my new insurance. Maybe the new psy-md will change my meds a bit.

I need to sleep.

I need to get my papers done.

However, I did an outline and made all sorts of notes so hopefully the paper will be easier to write.

And thankfully my class tomorrow is at 6PM. So even if I am at my internship, I can review the paper with fresh eyes.
Yikes

I am exhausted!

2008-09-12T17:29:00.002-05:00

I just got back from my internship. Their were only one social worker/ discharge planner, where they usually have three. And then there was me!

Anyways. I did three assessments, one discharge, set up three family meetings, met with four patients, found a home health care agency in a small rural county....
I also attended the treatment team meeting. Did a stack of paperwork...and ......oh my god!

Okay, Seriously, this amount of work is not really a lot of work. However, I was still trying to learn the EMR system to chart and I kept getting lost trying to find room numbers (they are totally fucked up). And where the hell is the fax machine?

I would be in mid-eval, and the doctors would come by to round. I would be in mid eval and the x-ray people would be there. I would go see a patient, and they would be sleeping.

One if the docs kept smirking at me whenever I walked by.

I WILL NEVER WEAR HIGH HEELS AGAIN!!!!!

However!!!!

2008-09-10T20:58:00.002-05:00

At my internship I am rocking. The employees floor thinks I am the new employee. The patients say hi to me in the hall. And one of the attending doctors introduced himself to me by his first name. I know that is not that big of deal, but an attending at a teaching hospital?

The green eyed rage

2008-09-10T20:20:00.003-05:00

I have issues. And...I currently have the hiccups. At my school (and most graduate schools of social work) Individuals with a BA in social work can be accepted into the "advanced year" where-as they only need a year of MSW schools to be a MSW. It is completely understandable that those with an undergrad degree in social work should not have to "re-learn" the "foundation" year curriculum. However, and going through the hell that was last year, makes me cautious towards these "advanced students." Oh, not to mention that they are label "advanced students." What does that make me?

In some ways, I think these students have gotten a better education in basic social work skills. Concrete things, like completing more psycho-social assessments. At my school, the traditional students have done more treatment plans and interventions. Also, we completed a research project in the community, a program evaluation. Some of us had projects that could have been publishable. Actually my group's project could have been publishable, and the prof even offered us advise us (directed research) if we wanted to. If I thought our conclusions were really novel I may have been inclined to.

Anyways. My pride was harmed in a small way today. We were talking about VA benefits and I spoke about groups that are given priority for care. Well this Advanced BA SW student did her undergraduate internship at the VA. (I did my first year at the VA). Anyways, the discussion wore on me the wrong way.

It was my own jealousy, annoyance about the "advance year students" that really made me defensive. Yeah. I have a huge issue about being in the same class as the advanced year students. They just graduated from college. The traditional students graduated with a BA or BS too. Some in very closely related fields. Some even had other Master's degrees. And this transaction felt uncomfortable to me.

I was feeling shitty about being told I was wrong by this student.
My self esteem deflated like a lead balloon.

However, on my return home, I open my 'federal benefits to veterans" book......and found out that I was right.

what do you think?

I wonder if this is similar to what nurses go through. With RN's and BSN's and all of those configurations.

WHERE ARE ALL MY PICTURES!!!

2008-09-07T15:05:00.001-05:00

I have a new computer. Oh boy! I put all my pics on a thumb drive. I checked all of my thumb drives. No piotures! CRAP

Mums the word!

2008-09-07T14:53:00.002-05:00

Yesterday my friend Kathy and I shopped for Mums. In the past I used to drive her bat-shit crazy with my shopping. THIS year, it is HER, that have become the manic plant shopper...

Now...I am the "flower lady" in my neighborhood. I have lots and lots and lots of flowers. Mostly weeds,,,I mean perennials. I LOVE my garden and spend lots of time in it.

Anyways, K. bought a new house with her hubby. I taught her how to grow pretty flowers. Now she is hooked! She still needs me, because she still a beginner. With the names, sun/shade, annual/perennial info.

So we bought mums, and mums, and more mums. And then we began the great search for pumpkin's. And we also got silly spider thingies too.

Anyways, we ended up at home depot, lowes (seriously, they have good mums), and two...no three garden centers. I have already gotten some mums this year, but her addiction wore on me, and I bought more. My three mums from years prior are just about in bloom. So pretty. I also bought some pretty asters.

If I actually have time...maybe I'll post some pics!!!

By the way....

2008-09-04T21:36:00.002-05:00

I LOVE my internship. I am interning with the discharge planning social workers in acute rehab. This is INTENSE acute rehab. I am interning at the local level one trauma center. We deal with alot of spinal cord injuries. A lot of other trauma, and people who were very very sick. A lot of emotions, activity, and healing happens on the ward. A lot of sadness, a lot of hope. I am able to check my life baggage at the door, and focus on the job.

Except when I nearly cry when I leave the room after talking to the patients who have endured so much.

It is a teaching hospital so it is amazing how many people I meet in a day.

School has begun!

2008-09-04T21:21:00.003-05:00

I am now officially stressed out. Actually, as far as the mental status exam...I am cognitively concerned about my mental health. Through out the summer I have been having some problems sleeping. This is always a red flag for the hypo manically disposed.

I was given a Medrol pack for my asthma last week. That made me all sorts of high and manic like. But the drugs have leeched from my system. I still have the sleep issues. Last night I laid in bed for an hour....
I have been getting my little panic attacks too. And a little sad.

Being bipolar and a grad student is not easy. I saw my Psy-MD last week and talked about my sleeping concerns, and we thought it might be anxiety (and the steroids of course). I had an appointment with my psy-Phd today and we agreed that this was a red flag. I promised to call psy-md if it doesn't resolve by next week.

I was feeling *great* and then started school, which is always so stressful, and my new internship. I am really stressed about school and become moody when I have too much academic reading to do.

So...we wait. We take old Rx for klonopin if things get worse.

Breathing on a monday

2008-08-25T21:39:00.003-05:00

Having an asthma issue on a Monday can kind of suck. I thought I was getting better, than I got worse, than better. The albuterol was not working as nice as I hoped.

After a call to my primary doctor (tell me again why I have an allergist who I never see, and cannot get a hold of when I cannot breath?), I headed to a 'urgent care" place. I got a breathing treatment, a shot in my butt (ouch!!!!) and a Rx for one of those steroid packs.

It is getting harder for me to determine when my asthma is bad. My biggest symptom is my lungs feeling so sore, and I am getting tired breathing.

Anyways. Asthma sucks. I am going to get pissed when they outlaw albuterol inhalers. My brother gave me a hit of the new inhalers. They suck. They just suck.

My lungs hurt

2008-08-24T22:08:00.002-05:00

My lungs seriously hurt. I have no idea why they hurt THIS bad.

Today I went orienteering with my friend Lana. We had fun wandering in the woods. We had a geographically map, so although it felt like we were in the middle of no where, we were not lost.

There was a bit of a climb up a hill that I had trouble with. Just with the lungs. I went over my friends house. She smokes, and it usually doesn't bother me (she smokes outside) but the air was so thick, it seemed to go right to my lungs.

It is so humid here. It rained so hard the streets flooded and stranded cars for...about 15 min. And then the drainage and sewer lines had time to catch up.

Lana and I were on the other side of the county, or are hike could of been dangerous. There were alot of interment streams and the terrain we were walking in could of turned into a river before we had time to head to higher land. It was a freaky unusual fast and hard rain.

I am so tired. However, I am waiting for my sheets to dry. I figured it was good to wash them as I am having the trouble breathing. I am really allergic to dust.

Lonely this time of night...

2008-08-24T00:17:00.002-05:00

It is late on Saturday. My normal routine has been shaken. My beloved and dear "breakfast club" was canceled this morning. A group of friends who keep in touch every Saturday. Some weeks there are three of us, some weeks 10. Today only two of us. Actually the two people the club was founded upon. Me and my ex-boyfriend. We sat outside and talked. His son was in town, so we parted ways so he can go meet with him.

I worked in my garden. I blended the compost (with the rotertiller) and made a new flower bed. I planted the end of year sales.

I went to both Lowes and Home depot looking for edging stuff. I got rubber stuff to go under neath my brick border. I can arrange it so I can mow without having to weedwack it. Cool. I bought a blueberry. I planted a blueberry earlier this year, and you need two to crossbreed to make berries. Gosh, I hope they are different enough to make yummies next year. I also bought two roses and a Butterfly bush for $3 each. I am not a huge rose fan, but I thought they would look nice and...um....keep people from cutting through my yard. I can be so evil. I love roses, but I just cannot stand the work involved with them. I am not really sure how to keep roses happy all of the time. I have a huge old fashioned rose that came with the house. I does not like this wet summer. I got the knockout roses cause I heard they were easy.
Home depot had daylillies on sale. I think I am going to go back at get some, and also some mums to put in my new flower bed. My mums from last year and prior a just starting to bloom.

I watched a bunch of videos on the NBC Olympic page. I have been not keeping up with the Olympics. Some stuff is pretty boring to me. But I wanted to see the diving, some gymnastics, and swimming. They are almost over! Gee

I am just feeling kind of blue and out of sorts. hm... School starts soon. Hm... I think I am a little lonely right now.

Yuck!

2008-08-22T20:25:00.003-05:00

I am having flashbacks to the trauma from this morning.

I had a barium upper GI. I was afraid of the chalk. I was even scolded by the Doctor. For swallowing air with the shake. And Not! swallowing enough of it. So then I took a big gulp and nearly gagged on her. Okay, not really, not on her anyways. The radiologist actually did the swallowing part.

Apparently, my stomach was not "responding" enough. So they kept asking me what my favorite food and keep talking about Mexican food...while I wanted to vomit. So they wanted me to think about food. So instead of Mexican (hello!!!) I thought about ice cream, and strawberry daiquiris.

They tech was awesome. except the Mexican food stuff. I didn't have to do a "small bowel follow through." So I got to go home....accept I had to drink another half of cup for the last picture.

I did see my insides on the screen. The couple of pictures in which I had to be on my belly. It was weird seeing this perfect valve between my stomach and my esophagus... It did seem to be very "open" however.

The worst was having Ice cream after the test and having.....a repeat...oh never mind. I kept smelling the stuff everywhere. Maybe I got some stuck in my hair.

Anyways. I still feel all crampy in places that I have not felt crampy before.

Okay, maybe I am not such a twit

2008-08-21T20:35:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow I am having an upper GI done. I have had on an off pain for a couple of weeks now. Something doesn't seem right. I actually went to a random physical and my doctor was concerned. Just because I have been unable to swallow very well.

Well, my belly hurts in a weird way. At first I thought it was cramps, a UTI...now I am not so sure.

I am such a twit....

2008-08-18T19:37:00.002-05:00

I am such an anxiety freak. Okay, I woke up with a huge headache and neck-ache.
I went to work. I felt like crap. I felt like I was getting the flu or something. I nearly feel asleep in mid-calculation.

My brain: Oh my god my neck hurts and I feel feverish...I HAVE meningitis!!!!! AWWWWW

So my anxiety attack begins.
My tongue went numb, My eyes got all blurry, I was forgetting to breath!!!
I am going to die!

Yeah. So the rational part of my brain said that I am,indeed, coming down with something. However, if I managed to be able to mow my lawn....I am sure I am not going to die!!!!!

I am such a dork.

This is gross!

2008-08-13T21:07:00.001-05:00

I love chet!

2008-08-10T21:22:00.000-05:00

New computer!

2008-08-10T14:29:00.004-05:00

I have a new computer!!!!!! YEAH!!! My motherboard got...um bored? My mother board caught a fatal illness. The reduce immunity causes a bad virus and parasitic worms.
I will miss the super fun red lights. My "box" was so cool. My dad made my last computer (He is retired, and this is a hobby for him). I bought a groovy transparent box that had LED lights. My computer was "punked' out. Now I have a basic box (but black!!!). The computer was $250. How freaking cheap! It is a compaq/HP model. Very basic. My dad bought me a Norton 360 antivirus. And because I am a student, I was able to get Microsoft office for $10.

Anyways, I am slowly adding all of my favorites to my internet. I know that I could just copy these things from my laptop, but I got some junk on their. Soon, I will have some pictures!