Monday, July 31, 2006

I wonder.....


If the words I write
Depress others…
I have been suffering…
The word suffering seems too strong
Suffering is endless pain, starvation, war, grief
I have not suffered.
I have been inflicted?
Either way…I have been depressed
I haven’t been able to snap out of it
I think it has been the physical pain
The endless supply of work stress
Friendships in peril
Observing ex-lovers in love with others
Rejection in dating
Gaining weight
Money problems
Meds interacting?

But I have been falling into a hole
And found myself looking at the sky
As the mud and dirt surrounded me
Realizing I would soon be buried alive

It is funny how the simplest things exhaust me
Funny how much time I just stared at the walls
How much nothing affected me
Nearly impossible to feel joy at anything

I knew I was falling into the hole
When I would be happy and doing happy things
And I would just feel an awful dread.
Just taking over
The blackness came from nowhere
And would quickly overtake me

And then negative words and small rejections
Felt like arrows and bombs
Like I walked around with no protection
No armor in the world
I fell deeper

And then I broke
And crashed
And had felt like there were a constant pain in my heart
I felt like if I were stabbed…I would not feel it for the pain already there
And felt imagery of being hung by a rope
And wondered how many pills would make the pain go away

Yeah….it was fucked up

The pain finally registered on my face
I started to become irritable
My coworkers started to intervene

I was depressed…
On antidepressants
So I felt…..crazy
I called my doctor
He increased my dose

And he is making me go to a shrink

So I increased my meds
I feel a bit better just from my ability
To crawl out of the deepest hole myself

I am sure the increase in meds will not really have an effect
For a couple of more days

I am still exhausted
I still have the hardest time getting out of bed
Accomplishing anything
I am not quite so sad
But I have not felt joy

But….
I know I will get better

So…yeah
This is what crazy looks like

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