Keeping buzy....

But still very sad

I am so Fucking Lonely

The fight against entropy

Still looking for a job…it blows…anyways
I am engaging in multiple projects with various successes
Most are garden related.
Leaves leaves leaves
Seeds seeds seeds (I am collecting them)

And weeds weeds weeds
The biggest weed I grow…is grass (no… not that grass!)
Grass is wonderful, it is soft, feels like a carpet, and has a pleasing green color…
Except when you have a little patch that is less than two feet wide.
I hated mowing that bit….the part that merged with the end of my drive way. I have stones for a driveway (I topped the original crushed stone with pretty river stones). The border between grass and driveway was always up for negotiation… And well…mowing over stones was always uncertain activity.

So…I am creating a path…
I have collected various natural and unnatural stone pavers. And don’t ask about the 500 hundred or so pounds of scrap granite I have that may have been legally or illegally obtained. (Okay…I live near a “removal” company that turns old concrete into fill… that happens to be down the street from a kitchen cabinet installer that disposes of 3-5 inch scraps of granite counter tops. I could not let it become “aggregate”).
Being wise and resourceful….I took my sometimes trusty rotor tiller (it is older than me!), primed it with starter (didn’t I say it was older than me?) and gave a good pull.
*putt putt* “”bbbrrrrrrggggggggg….pop...poop…snooze”
Crap, maybe it was too cold, try again.
*putt putt* “”bbbrrrrrrggggggggg….pop...poop…snooze”
Maybe it needs new gas (added one molecule….gas can empty).
One more try….
*putt putt* “”bbbrrrrrrggggggggg….pop...poop…snooze”
All of this effort, and I have a 1 foot hole in the middle of the targeted grass.
Ugh!
Armed with a shovel, a wagon and a dream…..
The grass is now gone!
(Photo of the grass that once was....long ago)

When confidence hits a stop sign

Trying to look for a job is kind of like 10 mminute dating...run by old ladies wearing babushkas. Both job hunting, and dating are a like it that: there is a sense of mystery and hope, you dress up in your fancy clothes, you try to talk about your past "relationships" in the most positive way possible, you may do something completely stupid (like loosing your pen, or likie spitting at the person), and the chances are fairly high that there will be a lot of rejection.
Employers aometimes send you letters, like a date may send a "it'd me, not you" e-mail. Some employers never call, even if they flirted with you enough to ask for your number. Either way...,you tend to get into these tizzies as you think "should I call them?" or would that scare them away? Or you think "if they like me, they will call," while you get pressured from friends (and vocational councelors) that you would be silly not to call!

I*am*sick*of*it*all

Sunshine and pumpkins

Today was a beautiful day. I did not go outside to play. I had a job interview!!! Yeah!!! It wasn't an uber exciting one. An outpatient substance abuse clinic. Individual counceling. Hmmm...um... Even though I have been properly trained in this sort of thing, I am not sure if this sort of thing is my cup a tea. Hmmmm....

I am fighting a bug of some sort. A tickle in the back of my throat, being tired...malaise. I haven't managed to get any house work done either.

I was going to write more, but really, who wants to hear about my weird health issues? I am just tired.

The incredibly boring life of me

I am crabby. Doesn’t take a medical degree to figure out that I am experiencing symptoms of depression. I can’t concentrate for very long.

Today I had a few tasks to do. I had to go to PT, the bank, the post office, get car insurance quotes, fix a glitch in my resume, and write a few cover letters. This is not much, really. Eight hours later…I have yet to do the resume and cover letter stuff. I am stuck in 1st gear. How the hell am I going to manage getting a job? I purposely filled my day with structure (and self loathing) Anyways....

Let’s see if I can go a day without eating a bag of Halloween candy.

From zero to 60 in 3 secs flat

I am overwhelmed. I have my first successful ebay auction. I made $20 between five items. I know, pathetic. But it was stuff I didn't need anymore.

My wild animals are driving me nuts. My cockatiels are full of love today...and my allergies are in overdrive. They have both decided they want to be cuddly today. Yesterday they wanted nothing to do with me. I feel bad, but I just threw my bird. He is flying well, I had him jump on my hand and then I moved my hand in the direction of where I wanted to go (throwing him by sending him in the air upside down of sideways...that would be mean)...it was a nice way of telling him to go visit his buddy. They are going to eat one of my plants now. *sigh*

I looked at the job finder, and with much encouragement from a job coach (yeah, I have one do to my "disability"). Lots of jobs, lots to do.

laundry
mailing ebay stuff
sending resumes
blah blah blah

Pain is for losers

I have “trapezius myalgia” which is a fancy way of saying… my shoulder and neck hurt...and I get headaches all the time, but there really nothing wrong… you big fat loser! Seriously... “Big fat loser” is mostly like in my pt notes somewhere. Oh wait… I am on Medicaid, so that makes me a super duper loser!
It really makes me wonder. I have carpel tunnel and I have to wear custom splints. I have some weird lumber spondylothesis with a herniated disc. But really…it all boils down to Myalgia….muscle pain. Medical providers then created diseases using this word to secretly encrypt to other medical doctors that they think the patient is a loser. Loser= “fibromyalgia.”

I guess I am….disappointed. I have been going to a sports medicine place for a few years now. I have seen one of the physicians, a fellow, and two pas. Even if the PA is the best in the world, I feel dismissed somehow. If you are going to the mid-level practioner, one may assume that you are somehow uncomplicated, simple, and easy. I go to an NP for my ob/gyn…cause I AM easy (not pregnant, no problems, etc…). So what does that say about my carpel tunnel, myalgia, and spondylothesis? Not that serious….simple….dismissed?

So I am in pain. I am going to physical therapy…and hope that it get better.
I’ve had this on and off for ten years…so probably not.

I missed christmas

My dreams haunt me. Last night I was lost in a mall and a hotel looking for the tour bus home. In my dream my family was having Christmas, and I was hours and hours away. I think in my dream. Even if we made the bus, it would still be too late. I missed Christmas.
Grief and real life stresses are making it difficult to get much accomplished in the day. I spent a lot of my day playing stupid mindless computer games. It is in some ways therapeutic (smashing virtual bricks…when you want to smash you head against the wall), but mostly, a means to avoid life…Happiness or suffering it doesn’t matter.
I thought I would try to articulate my feelings here. Grief, there is a lot of grief. My dad’s sister was inquiring about some of my mom’s clothes. I was rummaging through her closet. I really did not want my aunt to go “shopping” in my mother’s closets. There is no hurry. It is but one closet and chest of drawers in my parent’s whole house that hold her personal belongings. After my mother’s death I folded every sweater and hung every blouse. I went through the house collecting my mother’s clothes, shoes, and even lipstick. They are all in my old childhood bedroom. I have given some stuff away. Generic clothes that didn’t seem to have my mother’s imprint. But I still have my mother’s dirty clothes, the clothes she went to the hospital, tucked away in the back corner. I haven’t washed them, and I really don’t want to. That last evidence of her breath is there.
But the task was too much for me. Grief comes in waves. My life is so uncertain that it just seems as if I have been thrown in the sea without a safety vest (or a life jacket). I am still unemployed and uncertain. I am lonely and alone. But mostly, I miss my mom.

Fuck me

Fuck me
Just fuck me over like a pissed on fruitcake
I guess it was just one more thing that broke my sore and angry back.
Other than the fact that my asthma is out of control
Other than the fact that I am still unemployed
Other than the fact that…my neck and back are all out of sorts….shooting pain to my pinkies, to my toes
Other than all of the crap
The window on my car door decides to go off it’s track
WTF, WTF, WTF, WTF
Why? Why me?
Why during another rainy spell…..lake effect rain…
I just want to bang my head against the wall
Except that my neck still hurts
Why does my life have to royal suck right now?

I am not a normal person

I don't know what to say. I have a list of things to do, and list of things I shouldn't, and decided not to do anything? Or whatever.

I am either blue and anxious about life circumstances

-or-

Clinically depressed, again

I don't know what to do.

These precious things….

let them bleed
let them wash away
these precious things
let them break their hold over me…

I heard this song and was instantly reminded of hurts of not long ago… early nineties…I was young. A mixture of breaking from a fucked-me-up-for-life painful circumstance, into a few moments of happiness, and down the rollercoaster of life. Yes, a moment of happiness there, just like a moment when I was 16. I think it was the alcohol and drugs that made me happy and skinny. Anyways…

Life goes on somehow as you find yourself …….lost (pun intended)

I am sad right now. Yes, I typically only blog when I am really sad, angry, or devastated somehow. As if there is a package of hurt, like a bomb, which must be dumped as soon as possible, without damaging those nearby.

he said you're really an ugly girl
but i like the way you play

I am unemployed, without health insurance, and am going through the hoops and red tape of bullshit public aid programs. The only place where family handouts are considered income. Where the burden of proof of a lack of income….. lies with those without the means to fill them.

and i died
but i thanked him

I had to drive 20 miles to meet with someone at the county veteran’s office to get a piece of paper to prove I was not a vet. Shame. It is a long story, but I was kicked out of the army. Okay, not really kicked out, but sent away cause I was fat. Or a girl. I still remember the asshole that stood over me and told me I was good for nothing….. it wasn’t basic training, and it wasn’t a “therapeutic” drill session. Let’s go ahead and hike in the sand for an hour without water…Memories I don’t want to think about….

holding on to his picture
dressing up every day

So… I have no job, no health insurance, $4 to name…

i wanna smash the faces
of those beautiful BOYS

My dad gives me $500 a month, and now my food stamps will go down..cause I got an income you know.

those demigods
with their nine-inch nails

so my friend has brain and lung cancer, not a good prognosis

these precious things
let them bleed
let them wash away

D and M’s house burnt down their children’s room is gone…their kids have nothing.

these precious things
let them break
let them wash away

The vultures want my mother’s clothes

these precious things
let them bleed
let them wash away
~Tori Amos

Nobody is worth your tears, and the one that is won't make you cry.

A new path

Sadness can still be found at the edges
Even if you find yourself laughing, hysterically at comedic websites
I am procrastinating, once again, at the idea of beginning my job search, at updating my resume, at calling the temping service.
Not having a job or academic demands for almost two months have left me unsettled, anxious, self-conscious,…of my return to the work world.
I am not sure if I have the energy for responsibility at the moment.
I have trained as a masters-leveled social work, but I find myself have little emotional energy to attend to other people’s trials, disappointments and heartbreak.
I find myself critical of other’s emotional investments in the superficial, while hypocritically spending a whole afternoon playing videogames.
One of the most challenging facts I have to face is the bitter taste I experience when I realize I spent so much time and investment into going to school, when I could have spent more time and energy on my mother.
I knew my mother was sick, instinctively, but I had no idea time was measured in days instead of months.
Grief is not a backpack one should wear when beginning a new career

The tolerance of neighbors

Even though I have had my share of neighbor drama...
(My neighbors on one side trimmed (hacked) my shrubs
And the fucking RV...

The shrub people I have made piece with
And the RV guy reveled that his sister is an old high school friend
Small world.... ugh

I have gotten used to the RV, he moved it a foot forward
I think, to give me more sun for my garden.
But ironically, I miss the alcoholic posse...
Drunks, but mellow ones..(the other tenants)
The rv shield my view and waving ability.

The chores of the grieving

My dad has become quite tolerant of my lack of employment.
When he saw my arm braces and facial expressions
And the bags under my eyes (last week)
He realized that I truly did have miserable luck
My primary doctor gave me cortisone shots,
And I feel ~lovely~!
I painted my bathroom over the weekend
(my bathroom is now bright yellow *$5 oops paint* so I look like I have liver failure while bathing)
Yesterday, I began a job search, and my dad helped me
Get my air conditioners ready.
I cleaned the dusty as hell cubby hole (air conditioner’s winter home)
And then entered the dark, danky, and slightly icky basement
I have a wet basement, actually, a cellar, without a sump pump
I have not cleaned it in a year or two.
There is also a makeshift root cellar, with decaying wooden walls
That is an inch from the sewer where my washing machine from upstairs poops bubbles
My house has issues in the sewer pipe department.
I am working on it…
Anyways…I am not sure if it was the dust (I am allergic), mold, or bleach
Or the diet coke I choked on, but I have a cough
I hope it is just allergies, and not a scary infection from yesterday’s ick fest
I wanted to see my friend in the hospital today
He just had brain surgery to remove a cyst (tumor?)
I think I need to wait out the cough
I see gardening in my future
ROTO-tilling! Yeah