It was only a Dream....

I had my tiny bag
My tiny smile
My tiny world

I forgot my passport
And my ticket

I cried at the counter
And they let me go…
On a plane to Paris
With my dear old gardening friend

I was transported to a cottage garden
In a British town ….
And she picked me up in her groovy car
And we walked towards the installation
Of curves and lost voices
And we slowly lay down
As our bodies turn to clay

As we are transported back
But we know…
That a part of ourselves was left in the clay

We are not quite ourselves
We know…but no one else will know

That the truth…
Is that we are all clay….

In the end.

As I fade to black.....

When will I be erased?
Like the words
Long forgotten.....

Was it ever real?
Or an illusion
I Painted

And perhaps I now....

Fade to black

I feel forgotten....

As they walk past
Farther away from me
They are comforted knowing I have their back
As I take up the rear.

Every window fogs so I cannot see
Every door closes, to isolate me
I feel alone
As I hear the muffled sounds of laughter in the hall

As I am shipped to Sibera
Maybe the flowers will be pretty there

What is really bothering me?

The fact that I am not "allowed" to get sick.

My boss had a herniated disc...and was out for three weeks....

She sympathies...but just dumped a pile of shit on to my lap...

Plus I am suppose to do a pension audit
A workers comp audit
A new payroll budget for the "other" company
Research some items with our payroll vendor
Re-do a chart of accounts
Merge GL data
Submit Data for the annual reports
Deal with the paperwork from our Citibank accounts
Move my office to a new building

All before July 6th

and Oh yeah...
My assistant quit.

Her last day is Friday.

by the way- she is moving to another city, I don't think this is a reflection on me.....

Negative....

There is someone...
Who always refers to me as the negative one...
Which is funny...
Because I have only seen her in real time twice...
So really...How can she judge me?

She has no idea how fun I can be...
And how much people smile when I am around.
I am the type that talks to cashiers...
And random people on the street....

Anyways...

I thought of the negative "label"

Because I realize that....
This blog, HERE, has been very negative...

It has been my "vent" zone...

And truthfully....
I have been in PAIN!

And pain can wear you down...

So here I spill my emotional pain
From my physical pain..
So I can try to wear that smile in real life.

I try not to lean on people.

Maybe I have leaned on people in the past too much...

And right now....
I am not so strong.

I am in pain
And I am stressed at work.

But I can see the sunshine
And smile in the rain...

And I have a certain level of inner peace...
and happiness....

It is just....
I get crabby when the Advil wears off....
Time for my dose!

It is ironic....

That my vanilla ex
Took care of me yesterday...

He was -almost- a physical therapist
Just like I was -almost- a pharmacist

He actually belittled my pain
Just the day before
As if I was in pain
Because I was overweight and out of shape...

Funny how I got hurt
Lifting something
Injured from ACTIVITY

Anyways....
It was ironic...
That he came to rescue me

It just happened that he was bored
And I think his girlfriend was out of town

It was nice that he saw first hand
How fucked up I was...

How he tried to move my back
And how much I screamed
How laughing hurt...
And how much I was determined to walk it off

He was really good to me...
And I was thankful...

It was just ironic...
That's all....

Yesterday...

I limped around
At the festival
My friend held my drink
While I ate yummy food…
I was a little crabby
But she put up with me
I bought her a drink
And I took my Advil
And I stopped being moody

I was summoned to the HQ
To help with the ticket weighing
They sent a golf cart for me
That made me giggle

I only worked a couple of hours
This year
Cause I was having such a stiff day

I was proud…
To think that I was secretary of the board
That put on this great show…

It poured in most of the area
I think the rain even closed the thruway…
But it just sprinkled in this very northern place.

It was not very busy
I worried we would lose money this year
But apparently less people showed up
But spent more money
Drank more wine
And less beer

I am independent....

Most of the time

I fell
And couldn’t get up

My Vanilla EX
Happened to call

He came over
Iced my back

Sat me on pillows just so

Played my guitar
And made up silly songs
Helped me get up

Put on my shoes
And took me for the slowest of walks

Waited on me hand and foot
For a half an hour

And let me cry on his shoulder

I should not have lifted that plant…
The day before

It sucked…
To be stuck

The joys of a small town

I don't think I can handle living in a small town....

I had the craziest phone call
With the Town Supervisor...
Of a very small Town.

About funding of a non-profit
That I a am a trustee

I don't understand how little old ladies
Can be such a pain in the ass....

I hate politics
Without leadership

I am.....

Crabby!

Pain will do that to you....

But I have a smile on my face!

I'll try not complain anymore!

Ouch

I have Spondylolysis......

But...I am actually in pain...from a herniated disc.

Ouch!

Pain

Pain can make you nuts
Pain can make you compliant....

Submissive

OUCH!

Pain
Pain
Pain
Pain

This is not erotic pain
This is cruel pain
Back pain
What is wrong with me?

It is wearing me down
Deflating me
Upsetting me
Hurting me

It didn't let up this time...
Drugs not working
Yet

Pain
Pain
Pain

Please.....someone make it go away

I was stuck.....

But the trains are coming…
Through that door, the outside will be
I CAN’T BREATH
But the story of the story…
Was so pretty
Oxygen
I COULD NOT
BREATH
Maybe it was a just a dream
But I was dying to get out
And no one had a key
And I couldn’t breath
And I could not call to ask for help
And every door was a different color
And I couldn’t breath
But the ladies were lovely
But I could not breath
And I knew I had to come back to the surface
Cause I couldn’t breath
Every door was another
But not the way out
And I could not breath’
I could not wake up
I could not call
For help

In one last gasp
I woke up

Snotty Rich People drive me nuts…

The key there is “snot”

I was elected as a treasurer of an organization.
The past treasurer rudely “disappeared”
With the books
The checks…
Everything.

I called one last time...
Sweet as sugar, I was…

I went to her house…
It was an estate...
A pool inside
To go with the pool outside
Marble
Elegant
Nice...

The “community volunteer”
(That is rich for “housewife”)
was an annoying bitchy woman.
She had the books spread across her desk
Obviously not reconciled for her whole tenure.

She made me drive with her to the bank
Because “Buffy” was waiting with the missing statements
I told her…All I need was her to sign a letter….

“No! Buffy will take care of us!”

Buffy was 98 lbs soaking wet
They knew each other from the “club”
Buffy was speechless…
As I handed her the already completed paperwork
That the Royal Bitch needed to sign…

We went back to the bitch’s house…
And I suffered as she painstakingly explained
The transactions on the account

The community volunteer
Who spent all day at the country club
Who cannot reconcile a bank account with a four digit balance
Who was probably beautiful at one point
Who thinks the world should bow to her
Who thinks she is better than me

Because her husband was stupid enough to marry her…..

Pain....

I am in pain...

Ouch..

This time the physical.
My back...
It starts in the morning
I struggle to stand
I limp to the bathroom
and cannot bend down to brush my teeth

I try a hot shower..
Sometimes it gets better...Sometimes not.

I pull the skirt over my head
Because I can't bend down
To put them on the normal way
And after putting my undies on...
I nearly faint.

Throughout the day it usually gets better.

I went to the doctor today
Finally
Drugs, muscle relaxers

And I went for an x-ray.

I wonder what is wrong...

Cause the pain is making me a little nuts...

Anyone there?????

HELLO!!!!!!

Does Anybody actually read my words?

So...I used only...

175 minutes...

of my 900 minute calling plan.

I feel so...

Unpopular.

I dropped my plan to the 450 minute plan.

Madonna still plays on ringback..
And that confuses the telemarketers...

How come.....

Forty percent of the world's supply of fresh water
Can be found three blocks from my house...

And my water bill be three times more expense than in Arizona?

Oh...Right...It is really a SEWER bill...

Alrighty then.

For the record...
My quarterly water bill....um...I mean SEWER bill was

$250!!!

(and I did have a leaky pipe last quarter)

I live alone…

In my plantasia
That still has silly wallpaper
I actually feel very peaceful alone
Most of the time
I have a busy life..
Good friends
Career
Friendly neighbors..
The sweet sound of trains and crickets
I am pretty happy.

I have been dating
I been having fun kissing

I have some friends and ex-lovers
That care about me
That I can call when my world crumbles down
It would be nice to have someone to call
When I am scared in the middle of the night
(That happened recently…right after I had the creepy guy around my house)

So I guess…it would be nice
To have a lover or a Dom/me
But I am, believe it or not,
Pretty independent…
I know how needy I can seem sometimes…

My friend is getting married next week.

I am happy to say…
I have escaped bridesmaid hell
I have to find a dress
And the perfect gift.
I am one of those annoying people…
Who do not buy gifts on the registry
I love registries…
I get my gift ideas from them.

I actually love weddings
I love the romantic notion of love
I love parties
I love pretty dresses
And cake…when it is divine good cake
And dancing
And the old people have fun
And flowers
I love wedding flowers
And sparkles
And diamonds
And glitter…
And diamonds
I love weddings

I am jealous…
Of engaged woman
And all of the attention
That engaged woman get
The pretty big rock
And the party planning
And the gifts…
The registries…
The gifts
Shopping for a dress..
And showing off the ring..
And the wedding shower
Where you can get a big ass KitchenAid Mixer
And 5000 count sheets
And pretty china (that most people will never use)
And the excitement and the happiness

I have never been engaged
And honestly…
I think the engagement, shower, huge wedding planning thing…
Is like a big freight train..
That once on…you cannot jump off.
People invest so much in a wedding
That it is hard to change your mind..
And get off the train.

I did help someone get off the train once
And it was the hardest thing
But it took me and a friend
To tell her, that the problems she had now,
Were not going to go away
And maybe it helped..
That we were friends with the groom-to-be.
She called it off…
A week after the invitations went out
And it was for the best.

So...if I ever get married…
I would love to have a pretty wedding..
I always joked I would have to be barefoot and pregnant
To get me to the aisle
I would love a simple wedding
With glitter
And flowers..
And cake…

I could finally get a big ass KitchenAid Mixer

But maybe…
I can buy my own!

Ouch!

I am in pain
I am in pain
Ouchy
Ouchy

Sometimes......

I hate being a woman!

666....

The number of the Beast....

(I now have an Iron Maiden song in my head)


June 06, 2006...

Are you scared?

Why I hate....

Being a woman

PMS

I have woman "issues"
I never can tell when "it" is coming...
And sometimes I skip a couple of months.

So when I PMS...

I have no idea I am PMSing...
Inconsolable
I push everyone way
I say mean things
I cry...

I am crazy...

And then...

Suddenly....

I am "normal" again.

So again....

I am sorry.

Why I am Proud....

I make mistakes...but I do right most of the time
I can flirt with confidence
I think I am a good kisser
I think I am a good friend most of the time
I can overcome my fears
I am great at my job
I can see beauty in the ugly
I can make people feel special
I can make beautiful things out of my hands
I can make sad people smile
I bought a great house
I think my plantasia is pretty
I can say I am sorry

Rantings

I wish I liked my new highlights
I wish I didn't gain three pounds
I wish I could lose 20 lbs
I wish I wasn't passive aggressive
I wish I knew why I feel what I feel when I am feeling it
I wish I could sweetly tell people off, instead of holding it inside
I wish I had more emotional support
I wish my parents believed in me
I wish I knew what I wanted