Tuesday, October 30, 2007

I am overwhelmed

I have four major assignments due in the next two weeks. This will be worse than the end of the semester. All would be well, if I wasn't so behind in my internship.

I will be at the VA (I am interning at the VA!!!!) three days a week. Tomorrow I will be at the hospital to get my photo ID (I get a real ID!!!!) and work with the head social worker at the hospital. I will be Based at the outpatient day treatment center for MICA clients. I have already worked a few days.

And....I got my flu and last Hep B shots today. It was both sad and funny when I sort of collapsed on the stairs in the library. It felt so natural resting on my knees after tripping. So other students were concerned...so I stood up. My arms hurt....But all is well cause Daffy Duck is on my arm.


I fucked up today....

I didn't do my job right. One of my group home guys went into a rage and punched a wall and ran out of the house. He was mad at me. And he told me to leave him alone and I did not. He nearly threw a chair at me. And I was worried for the safety of the other people in the house.

I failed to use proper verbal calming techniques to prevent this outburst.

I guess the positive thing...was that I was not afraid to calmly and non threateningly stand up to a 200lb very strong young man, with an explosive disorder (whatever it is called).

Another staff member picked him up after following him in his car.
He came to the office...ashamed, I said hello (like nothing ever happened) and gave him first aid for his hands. He than talked my ear off for an hour.

Saturday, October 27, 2007


I threw caution in the wind....

And let the new birdy hop into the new cage. I was just going to let them see each other, and pumpkin just made himself at home. It is a big cage, and sweet pea was jealous but very into the new bird.

Currently, Sweet Pea seems to adore the new bird more than the new bird likes him...so it seems as if all will be okay.

I bought the cockatiel for Sweet Pea. I was not home as much now, and they really are social butterflies...I mean birds.

(yes.... I still have cheesy wallpaper in my computer room)


Is his (her?) name. I tried to get the same sex. I am not sure. There has been no mating chirps to each other, so I may be okay...maybe not!

When I was naming Sweet Pea...I was torn between Sweet Pea and Pumpkin. And they have that cute little orange patch on their faces. And it is right before Halloween.

Pumpkin is the "Fuzzier" bird.


The new member of the family!

Friday, October 26, 2007


I am so tired. I had a bone aching tired today. I woke up with my neck sore, my heading pounding. I gulped coffee before and during my drive to my internship. My sleepiness was so serve, I took turns slapping my face and chomping on my hand to keep my eyes open to drive. Seriously. Cup after cup of caffeine sources.....just never woke me today. I took some sudafed as a last resort. It didn't really wake me up, but my head felt better!!!!

Why am I tired?

I started my internship this week. I have to intern three days a week, go to classes two days a week. Just for fun, I am working 4-8 hrs a week on top of that. Today I started at 8 at the internship, and went straight to work until almost 11pm.

Thank god today was Friday. The guys at the group home was chillin. Easy dinner, to major chores or routines, guys stay up, one guy at a homevisit. I actually went to the mall and walmart with two of the guys. I kind of smiled thinking I was being paid to goof off.... Until we got back and I cleaned their toilets.

I am still tired.


Monday, October 22, 2007

To be or not to be.....

I am at the school library.
I have so much work to do for school
Two assignments due tomorrow
And a paper re-write
The paper I wrote least night was half crap

I am having second thoughts
About my ability to do this
This overwhelming course work.
I feel like I will write three mini-thesis by the end of the semester
I have been reflecting on my decision to go to social work school
I have always wanted to “save the world”
And I have a resume of activities to proof it

However, I have always wanted to be a doctor
I started “pre-med” in college
However…I had one problem
I fainted at the sight of blood
And got nauseous changing a dirty baby diapers

So I went to Pharmacy School
At the time they were 5 year BS programs
I made it to the 4th year
I did half my internship
And crashed my GPA
I was asked to select another major

I did really well on the practice labs
I actually compounded meds
At the pharmacy I worked at
I also did well with rashes
Lots of people shown them to me
Because I had on a white coat
And back then I could tell you
The loading dose of xyz
And the renal clearance of abc
And I could read the squibbled hand written script

So, I have been reading all these med blogs
And they all reminded me of my interest in medicine
And I have a class on the “south” campus of my school
In a hall near the medical, dental, and nursing schools
I see scrubs ALL over
Doctors, dentists, and nurses in-training
It makes me jealous (in some ways)

So back to my current schooling
Why social work?
I wanted to be a help people
I want to work directly with clients
And I want to change the world.

After throwing out the Finance career
I thought long and hard
I thought about becoming a PA
(Physician Assistant)
There was a three year masters programs
It required two years of undergraduate pre-reqs
I had most of them, Great!!!
Except, they would not accept 10 year old chem classes
Now….I figured I would need a year of refreshers
But this became a 5 year commitment
(Med school is only 4 years!!!!)

Anyways, I love medicine
I love knowing how the body works
And I can read the prescribes insert
And the PDR, and most medical journal articles
But I still hate blood and guts
And well….medicine is blood and guts

I still though about being a lab tech (I know icky guts!), a radiology technician, an RN, a paramedic, and EMT, a candy stripper, a…social worker

A social worker

A social worker is a clinical profession. I am going to school to become a licensed clinical professional. A social worker at the Masters Level…is not simply a case worker
(Although some part of social work always is always case work). Social Workers are problem solvers, advocators, managers, and counselors. I am going to school to be a therapist. Some of the most severely mentally ill have social workers as counselors, not psychologists (because they only afford social workers). Sometimes social workers report to psychologists, but many times great numbers of therapeutic employees report to social workers. In a few weeks, I will be doing supervised therapeutic interventions. When I graduate, I will be a health professional. After three years, I can take the clinical test and become a licensed clinical social worker. I can be an independent professional with a LCSW.

I guess I have devaluing my education and future profession.

Social workers fix people too!
And I am going to be one!
(even if I don’t wear scrubs)

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Wake me up when it is over

I am still here
Laundry done
Sweet Pea the bird...annoying me

(He keeps chewing on my mouse cord-he has already ruined two "mice?")
Hot as hell outside, and windy

Work called for a shift next week
(leave me alone!!!!)
Someone calling to take off because of school work
(yeah...and my school work?)

Paper still not started.
Three chapters read for Policy class
None of which my grade is at all effected by...

Registered for classes in the spring
For all the profs I wanted, classes were full
Had to enroll in class of prof...I dislike alot
(I like her, I hate her teaching style)

Still not started on paper
I hate papers
Still blah, but not so blah
Took Klonopin last night
Slept peacefully

Laundry done
Closet cleaner

Cockatiel grooming on my shoulder
Fuzz everywhere
Okay....he is really cute sometimes
I am thinking of acquiring a friend for him
As he LOVES ME...so much
I think he...and I would be happier
There are only so many hours in the day
One can handle a bird nibbling on your ears
And pooping on you
When he starts driving me crazy
I pet him a million times
And make kissy noises
Until He has had enough
It is kind of funny
Payback (of the love kind) is a bitch...


Saturday, October 20, 2007

Things to do.....

Finish laundry
Read printed articles
Start paper, even if it sucks
Watch movie

If my mood does not improve, the following steps will be taken to ensure misery:

Return the pop cans (of Diet Pepsi)
Prime bathroom walls
Remove clothing from closet that does not fit
Walk around block so said clothes may fit again
Crochet a scarf

Admit to self that most of these feelings have to do with academic deadlines, which may be closely related to negative feelings of self. The fear of failure, and the truth that one has failed in many things in life.

Must work on paper.....

Deep breath

I am experiencing what may be considered Suicidal idealization.
I really need to cry, and I cannot cry. I don't know why I want to cry, but I feel that the world is light years away. I have a feeling of loneliness superimposed on my paralysis and fear of picking up the phone. I don't think I ever gotten better. Lot so of drugs, lots of drug changes...School work, work stress, life stress, sadness.

Yesterday, I had an image of swallowing seed after seed. The beautiful seeds of the highly toxic plant. With it's beautiful leaves fading in the fall. The seeds about to rupture from their ovary, the stockpile I thankfully hid from myself. A sick mind I have.

I have the sudden urge to hammer my leg into a bloody bruise.
These thoughts sicken me...to think of them. But here they are.
I will hope this sputtering of vial, will irradiate this poison from my heart.

I will now busy myself with laundry and school work. And a movie if I am good.

And it hallows...

I am feeling rather dark right now
There is a fast fall wind
And with it came an empty heart
Someday I hope I shed this illness

I worked at the challenging house today
I “SCIP-R”ed someone today
And made them tacos
Children that would have been institutionalized…
Five years ago
Profound challenges
The staff ratio is above 1:1
Six employees for five teenagers

It was my second day there
I did not want to go
Not because of the boys
But because of the mountain of school work
It depressed me
And I was only there for a couple of hours

I have self esteem issues
(like I had to type that)
A new employee
Was on his second day
And was relating to one of the consumers
In a way that I wished I could

I thought I was good at this job
Maybe not
I am tired

I agreed to do a “lit” drop for a friend
Running for county legislator
Actually, I know two people running for county legislator
And neither are in my district
And the women who is in my district
Has been to my house twice
When I have not been here
And left sponges with her name
And three mailings
And super shiny pictures
I am not sure I want to vote for someone
With this much money behind it
She is a wolf in sheep’s clothes
And I know the head wolf

I feel so lonely
I did give a man my number
I wonder if he will call
Perhaps not
I wouldn’t want to infect anyone
With this shade of indigo

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Dates? Not just figs....

I haven't been on a date in months.
Almost a year.

I get this yearning...any time I see a couple, or a cute guy that flirts with the girl sitting next to me (okay...that was just the other day, and the girl had a rock the size of a meteor on her most symbolic finger).

I have wondered if I have been caught in the "I would only be happy if....." I had a boyfriend. I have been known to use this thinking (about buying a house, a new car, a washing machine, going to grad school, a new job)as a way of denying or dealing with my internal angst, my biological based (but highly environmentally influenced) mental illness. However, Alot of those things have been thoughtful planning on future happiness and purchases to deal with stressors.

You may wonder how a washing machine and dryer can be a thoughtful purachse to deal with stressors......until you have dragged three baskets of laundry up to a second story apartment and in the frostiest of winters.

And the house? It has been a wonderful positive influence on my life. My house is cozy and comfortable, if a bit cluttered, and my garden gives me hours a joy. Not to mention the antidepressant effects of pretty flowers, soil, and butterflies.

What was I writing about?

Oh yes....dating. I am thinking about renewing my on-line subscription.

See...I am surrounded by females and very young undergrads at school...and well....
All of my friends are pretty much coupled. Hard to be single.

I am not sure if I have the time, or if I am ready....
Speaking of time.....I should be studying....


I got me a new pet!

There are actually some bats that live in the huge maple next door. I scared the crap out of my elderly (yet spunky) neighbor when I pointed them out at sundown one fine summer evening.

Stupid staff, the smarts of the cognitvely disabled

I got a check for a $170. I forgot…that I get paid when I work! It is something that has become alien to me in the grad school…work your ass off and pay for the opportunity.

I worked at a new house yesterday, an actual new house for the agency. They bought a beautiful ranch (which is saying a lot because I hate ranch houses) across from my first elementary school. The residents have just moved in a month ago, and the staff are all new. I hate walking into a new house. I get so anxious, you never know what to expect. I was dreading it all day.

The new supervisor (just started two weeks ago) gave me the 10 minute synopsis of the house. She said …I’ll assign you D. D was a consumer with a recent history of elopement, calling 911, disruptive behavior, and most recently …taking knives from the kitchen and threatening violent acts. D was currently on line of sight supervision, and because of his recent behavior, the house had been staffing an extra person.

At this point…..I asked….um…..”Why is there a block of knives sitting on the counter?”
I was told to remove them would be a “restriction of rights” that needed approval. I used the word “fuck” a lot when I explained that …the last time I knew…the possession of a knife was not a human rights concern.

So the supervisor asked “all worried” is she minded if I supervise D for the day. I just giggled as I thought of the psy wards I have been on; and the shifts at the nonverbal autistic and psychotic teenagers. I told her I would be happy to take him on.

He began the shift…..by leaving the house. In which I followed him. He doesn’t have the cognitive ability to understand that cars may not always drive around him, while walking in the street at night. I followed. “Why are you following me?”…..annoyed. I smiled and told him it was just my job.

During the shift he yelled at me, shoved me, threatened to call 911, resisted taking his meds, and after a stroll in the kitchen…..pointed a knife at me. By this time, I knew that this individual (by his little smirks, that I had called him on), have decided that he liked me, and was just seeking attention. I smiled at him, and asked him what he was going to do with the knife. He said he had a knot in his shoelace, in which I bent down and un tied it. “Oh really now?” He set the knife down, I took it, and walked into the kitchen and took the knife block into the staff office and locked the door.

Now…..at this point, I knew he would not have hurt me. But…..his interaction with other staff on my arrival would make me think that he could hurt someone. So, perhaps I am better at this job, than I think.

I had a long conversation with the new supervisor about not having regulations, management, and other considerations; not cloud or confuse common sense. The new supervisor was not at fault here. A manager actually gave a clear and direct “order” to the staff, not to lock the knives up, previous to my shift. I wonder if I am that much of a leader, or just smart enough, to stand my ground.

Pic: Andy Warhol

Thursday, October 11, 2007


I am beeeing (buzzzzz) very lazy today
(so far)
I have read all blogs
Played stupid game
Ate candy
Avoided phone

I have to call back the weird lady
From my work (ironically)
Who (with other students)
I will be doing a program evaluation
Of specific processes...and what not

They cannot meet the day discussed
And they want to meet a week later
A week later than our "meet with the agency paper"
That is due

I am dreading this call...
Blah Blah Blah

So....I started a load of wash
Ate more candy
And am thinking I should get my ass
Unplaster from this seat
(after the call of course)

I should clean my very dirty (dirty-not messy)house
Sometimes just opening the pinesol bottle
Makes the room seem clean


I need to read read read read

I really should put batteries and hang the lights
Skeletons for Halloween

I should finally load the software on the laptop
And update the one in which I type this

Scrap the chipping paint in my bathroom?
Mow the lawn? Too wet? Too cold?

Or...I can continue to stare at this flat screen monitor

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

I have an internship!!!! (I hope)

I a have Finally been placed in a field internship
I will be working at the local VA
A day treatment program for veterans
With mental illness and substance abuse
MICA clients

Our local VA is one of the best in the country
And this program is the best MICA treatment in the county
And a day treatment program…
You can imagine the needs of the population

I had a nearly four hour interview today
Most of it was a tour
Lunch with the vets
And of course I made myself at home
While my interviewer was called away
And I chatted with a WWII vet who was also a dentist
A very special man

I actually have a signed contract!
After three attempts at placement
As of now, I am behind 4 days.
By the time the government decides I am fit
I will be 8 days behind.

I need a security clearance
And background stuff
(I wonder if my mental health history will come up?)
That is if all of the paperwork
Is expedient
If I cannot start until November
Or really…either way


I will have to take an incomplete in the class
A student cannot request an incomplete
But this was not my fault, but the schools

I think I got the internship, and kudos
Indirectly related to the scar under my lip
I completed (I said COMPLETED)
ROTC in college
I went through every hoop, er obstacle course
I took every test, even if I failed a few
I endured some crazy office training stuff
There were orders written
For my entrance in the National Guard
I had a PL assignment
And commission paperwork already

Except, I was too fat
And asthmatic

I ran (literally) away from my health problems
During my ROTC years
But they caught me
The asthma returned with vengeance
In my senior year
And I gained some weight…

I knew I wasn’t good enough
Healthy enough
To become a Lieutenant
So I quit
I didn’t really quit
I just never took an oath

So perhaps all of my feelings
Of guilt, of failure, of remorse
May be lifted somewhat
If I gave back in this way

Cause apparently, as per my interviewer
I am officially a vet

Tuesday, October 02, 2007


So a funny thing happened today
I was on my way to school
from the doctors
and she told me I had to do fun things
Not just focus on school and stuff

So I stopped at a pet store
One with lots and lots of birds


So I took a tour
and talked to the big cockatoos
And rubbed their necks
through the bars of
their locked cages
They were talking to me
and poking their heads out
And nibbling on my ring
They are big birds
them cockatoos

Then I went to the cockatiel cage
There must have been around ten young-ins
And they were animated and silly
And the cage was unlocked!

Hey...I am a bit of a bird person
And if a big ass cockatoo just nibbled on my finger
and I managed well
I figured I was well equipped to take a 'tiel out

And so I did
No employees around
No big deal
No sign telling me I was going to hell
And I had a fuzzy little chirper on my finger
And s'he crawled onto my shoulder

And then Mr second tiel...
Thought he would escape the cage....
And I picked him up....
and he crawled to my shoulder

And then third tiel
decided to look really cute
And was hanging on my finger

I had three cockatiels on my arm
And two more planning their escape

By this time I had drawn the attention of the staff
As they decided it was a good time to fill
Already filled food containers near by

So I was petting the third teil
and the Mr and Ms cockatiels on my shoulder
Decided to peck each other
...or was it the third?

As forth tiel escaped from cage
I realized I had a problem...
So I put forth tiel back...
First tiel flew on top of cage
Second to the floor and the third to the top of a big ass macaw cage
Or was that the cockatiel that flew to the floor?
I pick up one cockatiel and the other flies away
And now I have three...four birds flying
This way and that
Their merger efforts on their clipped wings

As four more cockatiels make plan.... their escape
I gently yet forcibly grabbed cockatiel number one
Throw her in the cage
And then another escapes...

This goes on for a bit...
One teil returned
Another escaped
until I have all cockatiels returned...
Except for one...
I go to grab it (gently and properly of course)
And it flew in a rage
And ended up behind the Macaw cage
At this point an employee returns
while I move the Macaw's home
and reached for the lost tiel.

I have him tucked in my hand
So as not to escape again
Return the Macaw cage with my foot
Calm, pet, and talk the baby tiel in my hands
Walk by the employee...smile
Return teil to cage,
Shut and latch door

And take a breath

I pretend to interact with the other birds
While I ensure no other cockatiels have escaped

Smile at the employee
And leave the bird room

While selecting nibbles
for my Sweet Pea
I noticed a gaggle of employees entering the bird room

The inventory must have been correct
Because I was allowed to purchase my seeds
And leave in peace....

The Klonopin won...

Okay…I am not coping very well
I am debating the pros and cons…
Of taking a chill pill
A 0.5 mg of clonazepam
Properly prescribed and all of that

See….I haven’t been feeling all that well
Oh…wait…..if you have been reading my blog
You may know that
And just a reminder…that
I spill my little emotional beans here
As not to drag down my friends and family

I went to the psychiatrist
She is upping everything
When I was taking my little
Mental vacation on the impatient ward
(In August)
They, or I should say, the “pray to Jesus” doctor,
Lowered all my drugs…to put me on a new one
Sort of like a see-saw….less of this…more of that
My real psychiatrist upped everything back to normal
Plus upped the new drug
So yeah….I am very medicated
Will be very very medicated
As in….I know people who have had ECT
Who are on less meds

So I have a 5 page paper due
Tomorrow in 22 hours, 6PM
I have to sleep, and make classes and appointments tomorrow
So I reckon…I need to finish it tonight
Thankfully I can sleep in tomorrow
And I do better work at night

I hate this
I hate this assignment
I really hate this instructor's teaching habits
(I don’t hate her)

The assignment is to analysis a family
Using system theory
From a novel (actually bibliography)
And to provide a therapeutic model
(Or something…I am not clear on that yet)
****bang bang bang bang*****
(Head against wall-not really…this time)


So now I should make a geno gram of something
And hope I can remember everyone’s name
And how I may have to search through the book

Then I have to review all of the system theory stuff
And then provide a family therapy prospective

Except one little problem
I am just learning how to “engage the individual”
In my interventions methods class
And now she wants a family therapy service plan?
Wait…is that what she wants? Gosh I am so confused

So I after getting this off my chest…
Do I feel better?


My insides are still jittery
I feel kind of like this emptiness
Biological chasm breaking inside me

Yep….I am having a nervous breakdown

But Ironically…
Perhaps I can prevent my nervous breakdown
By focusing on this fucking paper
Instead of all my inner freaky feelings


This is not fun
I would not wish this on anyone
New disease
Still figuring out all these drugs

Should I take some?
Will I get a wasted,
Or will I become calm enough to type?

Hm…I can always
Slice a long deep… dark
Crater in my arm
Then I can go to the hospital
And get contained for three weeks
And end up with a nasty scar
And increase the possibility that:

a) I might bleed to death and die
b) Be involuntarily contained for months (or years)
c) And begun on ECT treatments
d) Both a) and b) and d) resulting in me flunking out of school, loosing my house, my independence, my sanity (or wait…never mind)


I am just getting out the sort of thoughts that come together in a disturbed mind like mine.

I am biologically raw. It would make sense as the drug levels from the dose decrease may have hit me….
And I am completely stressed out
Under normal circumstances
My classmates are beginning to drool at the mouth as well

Deep breath

The Klonopin….
But I am tired

The Klonopin
The paper
The Klonopin
The paper
The Klonopin
The paper
The Klonopin
The paper……..

Monday, October 01, 2007

Pretty Flowers

Good Things Today:

A girl scout came to my door
All decked in green…..I ordered cookies

I smelled vanilla air fresheners
When I went to the potty at school

I actually had two guys smile at me
In a flirty way

I arranged the glitter tombstone
And disembodied hands….
Just so…..my house….
In Halloween Ghoul

My bird was a cutey today
She imitated my kissy noises
When I came near

I got an A-
On my ethics paper

Weird things:

Some chick in my policy class
Told me that every time I spoke in class
The woman behind me made a face
The chick who told me
Expressed it in such a way
That she kind of liked me
And really disliked the woman

We were in group
I noticed that the woman’s
Nasty body language
That indicated
She really disliked me

I am hated
Cause someone had took my side?
Very odd

Bad things:

I still do not have a field placement
I think I am now the only one
Out of 300 students
I feel like the last kid picked in softball

I was always the last kid picked in gym
The neighborhood kids made fun of me
My family…..blah blah blah

Yeah…I have some issues
Mostly…I am dealing with biology
I am not better…
Still clinically depressed

But mostly just normal grad school stress….
I have a paper, 2 quizzes, and a lab to do

Best go back to good things:

I have a pumpkin growing in my garden
Just beginning to blush orange
Orange in time for
Trick or Treat?

My flowers are still in bloom

adopt your own virtual pet!