Tuesday, August 28, 2007


I have begun my exploration
Into the realm of social policy
As I begin on my journey
To save the world

(As I begin grad school for social work)

I have begun my acceptance
That I will never be
As I once was
Life sustained through pharmacy

(As mental illness drags down my soul)

I have begun living in two worlds
One in which I fake my competence
And one in which I admit my defeat

I have begun the fight
To achieve stable cognitive abilities
While admitting my delusional emotional thoughts

Thursday, August 23, 2007

My life....

Is my life moving one step forward, two steps back?
This has been a hard year.
After one whole FUCKING year
I am still depressed
A FUCKING year!!!!!

I am tired
And sad
And trying to fight hopelessness
Trying to force myself to go on

I started Grad school orientation
I talked too much
I was one of the few people
That may not be accepted by their field placement.

I felt obligated to register for a course
That is a volunteer, EIC project (free tax filing)
I am sure I am the only person in the school
That has ever been paid to do a tax form
I begged the scholorship coordinator for money
And am trying to see if I can work as a GA somehow
But....I really don't think I will be able to handle
The classload, and working.

A little bit of stress
And I crumble
Just move forward

I just was hospitalized
I am now going to school
It is exciting

I just wished I didn't some home
To find my heart broken and empty every day

Sunday, August 19, 2007


I spent nine days in the hospital.
My meds were adjusted...kind of....
I don't really want to talk about it
(can you believe it?)

I start full time grad school in a week
I am excited about that

I spent too much money yesterday
Making up for lost time?

I bought new hippie college t-shirts at Old Navy
And I am buying lots of clearance plants
Perennials for my garden
I bought some really pretty round smoothed rocks
(for my garden)

I want to clean my house
And scrap the peeling paint from my bathroom
I want to use my compost to plant my newbies
I want to put up the fence (the project of the year)

I don't really want to work right now
I took the weekend off
And NO MORE third shift

I am having fun with my birdie
Although...I really really need to clip his wings
(just a little)
He needs to slow down a bit

Thursday, August 16, 2007

9 and 1/2 days....

Incarcerated by the mental hygiene law
Spiritually raped by an unethical Jesus loving Doctor
Nurses who denied my requests for Motrin (properly documented and "ordered."
Tortured by a grossly mismanaged medication merry-go-round
Threatened to be taken to the "quiet" room, if I didn't stop "pushing his buttons"
Being treated sub-human

I left my hospital stay feeling worse than when I arrive

HELL is the ward I barely escaped from

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Did I tell you?

My cable "high speed" internet was shut off for non-payment.
But my wonderous eyes does appear...

But a weak unsecured wireless internet connection!

Aww...No...I am not feeling the underpinnings of guilt, as being so close to a natural wonder of the world...I think it maybe a sponsored, or one owned by one of the companies around here.

If it is indeed a fellow resident near by... I promise my internet should be restored soon..I hope.

My horny cockatiel.....

Found another cute cockatiel on the on blackened screen of my computer!

It is the most adorable thing, him flirting with his on reflection....

Saturday, August 04, 2007


It is 10:00 PM, and I just woke up. The weirdness of working third shift. Today is my last third shift. I am training the guy hired for the shift.

After all of the crap at my job, I asked my boss if she would support my transfer to another site or "cluster" of sites. She was in complete disbelief. I was told my "written" up paperwork was not as bad as it seemed. It was just the awful realities of working in the field. Everything needs to be documented so that any abuse alligations can be investigated, proved or disproved.

I rather professionially blew my top. I told her about my issues with the other staff members, the being pushed around as the "relief." The working your ass one week, and then no work at all. All for no benefits and no respect. My boss pressed me for specifics on my interactions with the other staff member. I was brief regarding only the most puzzling aspects of her (the queen bitch) behavior. Like the fact that she had a tizzy because one of the guys wanted to drink OJ for an evening snack (IT IS A BREAKFAST FOOD!). I also stated some of her positive aspects, because she does indeed have them.

My boss reminded me that I was her boss, not this woman. And my boss knew I was pissed off at the agency in general because they did just fire two of my friends. (small world)

Anyways life at work is better. I guess the house gossip spread enough ( I did get called to work at the hardest house) that my interactions with coworkers are much different.

However, all is a mute point really...
As I begin school in two weeks

Whoops...time for work

Friday, August 03, 2007

You know you have anxiety…..

When after a dose of klonopin you are still bugged eye awake.
I have not had the best day.

After being written up yesterday…
I had a heavy heart
I hate negative feedback
I am a wimp with it
But EVEN constructive negative criticism
Is hard to swallow
When nothing positive is expressed
After working swing and double shifts
And dealing with multiple work sites
With many ways of doing things
I was completely drained
And angry as hell

After my “verbal” warning
In which no one actually talked to me
And on a document that I needed to returned signed
And magically my name is no where to be found
On the schedule
It is just a job
But after this year of hell

I had to face a lot of failures
This one hurts just as bad.

I flunked out of pharmacy school
With only three semesters to go
Seven days before I was to be a commissioned in the Army
I was deemed five pounds too fat
The last job I was nearly fired
But that was just stigma of the mentally ill

I am (was?) a residential aide
Similar to a nurse’s aide
I had to go through some training
But this is the type of position
That agencies struggle to staff
For wages that reach poverty guidelines.

I am starting full time grad school for social work in three weeks!
And I have just been written up because my actions
Could be deemed abusive
If I fucked up this bad….

Maybe I should be locked up
Made to stay away from children and the elderly
With my picture on the internet

Maybe I am completely psychotic
And not worth the air I breathe

I guess I should call my therapist

I am trying to see the positive…but drowning in the negative…

I was written up at work.

I was written up for physically assisting a totally blind, autistic individual, with severe anxiety and depression, and mild mental retardation….over a wet, slippery area of hoses and wires at a carnival in which this individual was forced to attend. This person has a fear of crowds, loud music, and was displaying the features of the beginnings of a panic attack. I supported his body (in a proper first aid technique) after receiving a verbal consent (in something he can legally consent to). Another consumer reported the incident.

My boss who wrote me up, said that I should be thankful that she wasn’t writing and reporting an incident as abuse (that would be reported to the State, and follow me around for years).

I was told that I had overstepped my “boundaries” by not using proper techniques to lead the blind (that I had limited training in). And apparently my unclear “boundaries” were defined as sexual in nature. (Because I “caught” him as he was slipping and ready to fall on his face, even though my hands and arms were no where near his nether region)

In the same week…I had to completely bath another consumer, and assist two other guys with toileting.

Two of my friends have just been recently fired from the agency for similar kinds of bullshit. But it is okay for other staff members to come in drunk and talk on their cell phone all day.

What a bunch of shit. As I was the team player in our “cluster” by working most of the weekend third shifts, and working doubles and swing shifts. I am a “relief,” per diem staff member with no benefits of any kind.

I am now late to a meeting in which I can defend my position.

adopt your own virtual pet!