Thursday, May 14, 2009

So I graduated the same day of my mother’s service
It was part of my design I suppose
My graduation was on Saturday at nine
And my mother’s party at one in the afternoon
We did not have a funeral
We had a get together at my parent’s house
With food drink and company
With mom in her pretty urn
Surrounded by flowers
No one cried, mostly laughing
Tears were dried for the days before

My brothers and wonderful, wonderful sis-in law
Even though my brother did most of the cooking at home
She made us dinner
While my five year old nephew helped me plant flowers outside
She even paid my dad’s bills, with his money of course
I tried to write two checks….that ended up being voided
They left; my brothers and my wonderful sis-in-law went home

Just me and my dad
And my mom’s poor grieving dog
I love that white ball of fluff
My dad and I trying to figure when he needs to go to the vet
Groomer’s today
I have now graduated
And have not looked for a job
Tending to my mom
Final papers
Now I relish my freedom
But fear my future
Job, Job, Job, JOB?
The cut flowers from the hospital has not died yet
It has been a week and two days

“You better look for a job”
“Take a month off”
“Are you sure you are ready?”
“The sooner you are independent the better”
“Take your time”

I am not looking for a job THIS week
I am not drowning in grief, nor sorrow
But I am still easy to tears
Stress of a new job? Yeah right
Next week? Maybe, who knows?

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

My mother dying
It is so hard to accept, to grasp
That she is no longer with us, with me
I was there, to see the last breath
As I stroked her head
I didn’t notice the last breath
I just noticed the absence of it
I laid my head o my mother’s chest
And there was only silence

I guarded my mother through the process
As my brother and my dad left for the night
It was too hard to see for them, perhaps
I sent them away promising to keep watch
Through the night

The nurse was wonderful
I forgot his name, John, Matt, Ryan?
He cared for my mother
While she was still, herself
Sick, but still doing crossword puzzles
He thought she waited until my Dad left for the night

She waited until I started to stroke her hair
At three in the morning
I was there
But I still have trouble to believe
That my mother has died

Wednesday, May 06, 2009


My mom died.
I was with her when she passed.
She will no longer be in pain...
She is at peace.

I will miss her...

Saturday, May 02, 2009

My mother is very sick in the hospital. She has just been diagnosed with cancer. It is most likely stage IV. It is not a good prognosis. Right now I am struggling with the chore of being the healthcare proxy, despite being the youngest, and keeping my out of town family informed.
Right now I plan my life in terms of minutes, hours, days…instead of months or years. I was not taken by surprise, as I have sat hopelessly begging my mom to see a doctor for months…years. My brothers who live out of town are stunned.
I have not cried so much in my life; however, I remained pretty strong. Yet there is only so much I can do over the phone. And my friends watched as my family crumbled around me, my brothers not allowing me a moment to breathe. One of my brothers is flying in tonight. Thank god, because I could not tell him everything was going to be okay, even if my mom is considered “stable.”
It is so acutely painful to see my mom this sick. I cannot describe it. I have never experienced this kind of grief. It is like the little girl inside me can only repeat over and over “I want my mommy.”
My family and I have always considered ourselves agnostic. However, if anyone has any ritual or prayer….
Actually, please take a moment. If you have been stressed out about the economy, working too hard, or even graduating…. Please remember, that it does not really matter as much as your loved ones. Please give you mother. Father, significant others, children and friends a very big hug.

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