Friday, September 29, 2006

My self esteem
Is still not great
But.....I am getting better ...Again

I started talking to an adorable
Witty, nice, articulate, intelligent
Art professor

I guess it may be nearer
To the time…
To meet in real life

I like him…
I hope to be friends at least
But who knows…?

What if a kiss?
What could be?

What if we never meet?

Monday, September 25, 2006

It takes 50 years.....

To grow a pear tree
That will bear fruit
No one is planting pears anymore
Your grandchildren
May never taste a pear

They cut a tree down
Near my house
I bought a house on a tree lined street
And a year later…
I saw four trees say goodbye
One was a huge oak tree
The tree was perfectly healthy
Two trees have been cut down
That directly effect the shade in my yard
The sun will grow my garden
I have one tree on my property
It is a pine tree

Monday, September 18, 2006

Got to have faith...........

I saw His Holiness the Dalai Lama today
In a huge arena
He spoke for a few minutes about
Hope, peace, and love
I think he is truly a peaceful loving man

But I was not inspired
I was not awed
And I felt disappointed somehow

I am in need of inspiration
I am in need of hope
And I felt none of this

I always thought the good
Will always win over the bad
But as I grew up
I realized that nothing is good or bad
Everything is good and bad
Ying and Yang

As I learned as an adult
That sometimes the sinners
Have the heart of gold
And the Do-gooders
May have a heart of greed

Like the Dalai Lama
I believe in Love
Forgiveness and Peace

But like the Tibetan People
Who live under siege
Sometimes those with a golden heart
Get trampled in the end

And we all fall down….

I have expired my usefulness at my job
The cute boy
Hasn’t e-mailed me back
My boss annoys me
My garden is full
My back is still broken
My friends ignore me
I am exhausted

As I smile
My fake smiles
For the world

You know he is over me
Completely over me
I guess I felt I always had some power
Some seductive power
Some little flame
That glowed for me

That flame has blown out
In the wind and rain

That makes everything different now

Sunday, September 17, 2006

The overtired manic decorator

So I am redoing my bedroom
I had pink flower wallpaper
That was older than me
My house was full of wallpaper when I bought it
I bought it a year and a half ago
I painted the living room, the dining room, and the kitchen
I put in a new kitchen floor
And had the floors professionally refinished
I ran out of steam
Four months of constant renovation
I took a break
Worked on my ever expanding garden
Last winter I painted the small room upstairs
And my bathroom
The new paint is chipping off the bathroom
I guess I painted latex over oil or something
So I will need to re-do that
I am working on my bedroom now
My mother teased me about my bedroom furniture
That I have had since I have been four
So I looked far and wide for a dresser or a chest
I looked in real stores, thrift stores….
I was thinking a cottage look…
White pottery barn look
I did look at pottery barn of course
But it is very pricey
I thought I would paint my room purple
And decorate with quilts
And needlepoint
And crystal
Shabby chic look
Well I bought furniture
And it was not white
Or cottage like
I bought Asian inspired furniture
From pier one
Scratch and dent floor models
Super cheap
And now my vision has changed
Asian, fierce…or Zen
Maybe it is because I will see
The Dalai Lama tomorrow
I bought a red dragon
To put in my room
I have white fluffy rugs
What color to paint?
Red….seems to be on everyone’s mind
I have a scarlet pink
Paint that I got “oops” cheap
How passionate
I was thinking it would be cool to paint
Perhaps I can paint the ceiling red
And the walls neutral?
Perhaps I can paint just a wall red
Perhaps green
With red accents
The ideas….
Purple was my first choice
Purple with green accents
But I already have lavender in a room
Dining room
Most of the time my apartments look like
Easter eggs
The colors that I paint
My last apartment
Green bathroom
Lavender kitchen
Yellow living room
Pink bedroom
My first apartment not too bad
My hall was green…A bright almost neon green
It worked because the hall was long and narrow
And very dark
Because of the lighting
It had a Martha quality
My bedroom was blue
A cyan blue
My living room was white
My kitchen peach
My bathroom was pink
My current house
Had wallpaper everywhere
A baby puke yellow in the kitchen
A yellow wool rug in the living room/dining room
Very 60/70’s
Older than me perhaps
My neighbors told me there was an orange couch
To go with the rug.
I refinished the floors
Where the yellow wool rug laid
I removed it myself
My dining room is lavender
My living room a soft blue
Sometimes the living room looks purple
And the dining room blue
Depending on the light
Most people cannot tell that they are indeed different colors
My kitchen is green
A retro green
My kitchen floor is black and white vinyl tiles on point
What a bitch
To go with diamonds
A nightmare to cut them right
I have weird wall paper that screams 60’s in the bathroom and bedroom downstairs
And a weird brown tan wallpaper with trees in the stairways
Waiting for the deer to pop out and attack me
I still have baby puke yellow in the basement stairway
So what color should my bedroom be?


I woke up to a groan
As my back had decided to revolt on me
Fuck! Back to square one it seems
When the chiropractor was telling me I was getting better

I guess moving the new dresser was a bad idea
And then weeding my garden
And then planting pansies
And then –gasp- scraping my walls
Of the million layers of wallpaper
(okay three layers)
I guess I worked too much
And now my back has decided to go on strike
And let me know how on happy it is….

Maybe it will be shots for me
But at least the Advil is working

Monday, September 11, 2006

Will I always have September?

I think I can balance my feelings
Feelings of friendship and caring
That I have for them
And the tiniest of flames
That I still have for him

And every once in a while
A gust of wind blows
And the fire rages in me

Everything is right in his life
Everything is the way it should

But I couldn’t stop the tears
From falling

adopt your own virtual pet!