Crap

Is that some depression I smell?

My body is out to get me

I feel so stupid. The most embarrassing thing happened to me today. I was at Physical Therapy and the therapist was moving my hips and I farted. I wanted to crawl under a rock. The people next to me were laughing. The PT guy was very professionally cool about it, but oh my god. I wanted to hide under a rock. Then I was all feeling good and stretched out. And than I went to sears and bought dirt. I didn’t realize that this particular bag was so heavy. So all that PT for nothing.
I feel so stupid in so many ways. I’ve been temping at an accounting department in a huge assisted living/skilled nursing/etc… company. All of the ladies in this office are beautiful. Skinny, perfect, professional…with their perfect lives. The fact that these people are all so beautiful…..kind of makes me feel ugly. I feel like a dumpy ugly girl next to these women. And they all eat salads and work out and blah blah…. With their perfect this and that.
I just feel stupid.
I think I may have been able to apply for a job at this place, but I think I would have crumbled. I just have a hard time working 40 hours a week. I was doing very tedious stupid shit. A boring job….it would either be mindless, of completely crazy. I actually knew my “boss” before I started. We were in some business networking program thing together. I remember liking her, but not really messing with her. I think I would strangle her if I worked for her. She is very very very good at her job, but she would still drive me bat shit crazy.
I have three more days. Then the dreaded trip to see the brother. I panic during trips and vacations and stuff. I just do…. It sucks. But Seattle will be beautiful.

I am bragging....

I got an A- in every class this semester!!!!

I am having a YARD sale!

I am eating little vitamin gummy bears. These have calcium and Vitamin D. I am about to munch on a chocolate chewy viativ vitamin chunk. I can’t understand why people will gag themselves on horse pills when they can have a little dessert to get their supplements.
I am eating my vitamins today (I actually forget to take them everyday, so sometimes I eat two at a time) because I am exhausted. I am bone tired exhausted. I took as nap in my favorite chair, absently mindedly allowing my birds to nibble on my houseplants.
I think I woke up to the sound of a rattling paper. They are cute those two fuzz balls. I have been doing laundry and reading a novel today. I had great plans about cleaning my attic and my craft room for money making stuff. Did I tell you I was having a huge yard sale next week? I got some STUFF!!! I cleaned out my garage…seriously…since I owned my house. People, like my dad, have been putting stuff in my garage for a couple of years. Like I walk into my garage, and there is a ladder (cool!), some days a vacuum (duh…I don’t have carpets), once an electric baster or something. I have stuff, and I have no money. Hence, garage sale. And I have good stuff! I have designer shoes (okay, not designer….um… named brand) like diesel and guess shoes. I have clothes from Jones New York. I figured if the local thrift stores can charge $3 for a worn out dirty shirt, I can charge $6 for my shirts. I have junk too. And some furniture too! I live on a busy residential street. I live a couple doors down from a street that is a truck route in some places. And plus my signs might be cool!
Anyways, I am tired. Maybe now that I wrote about it, I’ll get my butt into my craft room and poke around.
Today I went letterboxing for the first time. I went with my ex-boyfriends girlfriend. Is that cool or what? I had a lot of fun. I did realize there was some weirdness. We were in the woods, and a couple places I commented on “the time we saw a turtle” or the time “we rode our bikes in the wildflowers” Yeah I did that with my ex, which is weird, although the turtle things was after we broke up, I swear! So there is a little weirdness, but not too bad. Anyways, I was tired, exhaustively tired. I actually fell in the middle of the woods. I tipped over some branches when I was trying not to disturb the trillium (which I succeeded in keeping them safe!). I have a big ass bruise on my ankle. However, that was from me clipping my friend’s bushes yesterday. I was under her bush….why does that sound so wrong?
Funny, I actually came to her house after a job interview at accountemps (I think I was hired!) With a skirt and heels. The next thing I am asking for a shovel. And well….I is glad I have sneakers and jeans in my car! But I am tired, but now I want to explore my craft room.

Anxiety!

I am having issues!
Just worried about school/internship/job conflicts
I need a job
I am having bad dreams about my last job, when I was a controller
I really miss my co-workers

I am worried about starting a new job
I have some confidence issues
Dealing with my recent history is hard

There is a reality of my limitations due to my health
I am not sure how I will balance my education and experience
With my reduced stamina

And frankly, I am scared.
I was going to apply to accountemps
And work as a temp
I know I will rock, I am THAT good
But in casework? I am scared
I am scared to do the work I am training for...
Go figure

The first step....

Is recognizing you have a problem.

At my internship, I ran MICA (mental illness, chemically addicted) groups.

I think the time has come when I should join a group. Perhaps a MIGA group (mental illness gardening addicted)? Teasing aside, I think I have a problem. I spent a lot of my rebate on plants. I was so ashamed that I planted them before my friends and family members saw the three flats I purchased. I planted all of my beloved weeds (perennials), too cold for the annuals.

I really am ashamed. I am not kidding. I don't think it was a moment of hypomania as a moment of pure Addiction. I salivate when I see pretty colors.

See, the problem with some addictions, such as food, abstinence is not possible. Like the benefits of red wine, my garden does have some health benefits to myself and my neighbors. However, I need to learn moderation.

Am I getting better? Perhaps. But the $2-$4 plants seem so innocent. It is not like I am spending $20 on the designer echinacea (cone flower) or $50 on the Henry's Walking stick that I have been wanting.

But I have no money, and I spent $100 on plants.

I also have a problem with chocolate and other sweeties, but that could be another post.

Shit---I only got $300

I thought I would get more than this. I did pay taxes, however I had a lot of itimized deductions. My return is on the computer that is in need of resusitation.

Damn...I could use the money!

I am done with school. I have had my guiltless week off, and now I need to look for a job. And figure out what the hell I am going to do.

I need to accept and internship for the fall. Great and dandy. Except that I want to go part-time and get a job. If I do that, my internship will be later in the year. I am currently registered for full time classes. I figured if August arrived and I was working in some stupid job, I would just stay full time.

I have a headache thinking about this.

I am going to call account-temps for work. As I have years of accounting work (My last job I was the Controller managing 6-8 million for a non-profit) I should get some work.

God..I am tired.

I built a fire (for the first time) yesterday in my backyard. I wanted a test-run before I burn all of my not needed school work!) Haahhhaaahaa!

A good night sleep and a cup of coffee

I am done...well almost done.

My semester is over. My last day of the internship was Friday. I have all of my school work done. Although I keep having dreams that there is one more paper due.

Even though there is no more school work to do, I am still not done! The agency that we did a program evaluation on, wants more info. As I was the agency contact person, my group gets to escape from these obligations. The agency wants the data in excel, transferred from SPSS. I don't blame them, SPSS can suck a bit. But I doubt the data can be easily exported. As my excel skills are pretty damn good from being in accounting, I am sure I can transfer the data in a minute. Plus, I am sure I will write a little memo about it. Than I have to get the original surveys and hand them into the prof, then I need the key...blablahblahblah...

Yeah, I thought I was done.

So now I need a job. A job in which I can make some money, as opposed to min wage. My requirements are not outlandish. I just refuse to work for the same wage as a high school student. My original plan was to find a decent part time job with stable shifts and the ability to secure health insurance. I am not living in a dream world,I don't expect to find a part-time gig that will give me health insurance. However, some companies will allow you to buy into their company plan. The reason why I want to work for health insurance, is that my cobra is expiring in July. As my payments to my old employer has always been timely, I am sure I can get another month. I can always go on the crappy student health insurance, and thank god they have something!

My plan to work part and go to school part time has been challenged. I have been placed at a very competitive internship for next year. It is a program from the state office of mental health in evidence based practices. I will be placed in a community setting and required to take a special seminar. I will get an additional certificate in addition to my masters. I will set up an interview soon to get more information.

There is some hesitation from my part to embark on such a career. It is very clinically based. I am well aware that my own mental health is a factor. However, I have no idea if this may help me in some way. I do work really well with the actively psychotic and delusional client. Well, to a point. Also, I am not sure
I am up to a 40 hour work week. I need to figure this all out. I think I will be healthy in life if I worked 4 days a week.

I am still looking for a job for the summer. I also will take three classes instead of 4 next semester. I'll figure it out. I was just stressing out.

I have a ton of weird appointments next week, mostly doctors appointments. Then I need to start physical therapy. I am also very very broke. I am grateful for the stimulus payment that I shall get soon. I have $20 to my name, little food, and a ton of medical copays this week. I will probably go to a food pantry and try to get some food stamps to help out. It might take me three weeks to get a job. Which is really okay, really. I need a break. I am exhausted. I already feel better, but I need a rest.

Well, a rest for me would include putting up a fence, painting my bathroom, playing my garden, and reading a bunch of books....

You all have fun now!