Saturday, March 29, 2008

I hate school!

I hate school
I hate school
I hate school

I cut my hair....

I cut my hair really short today
Okay...not even short by most standards, but short for me
My hair grows fast (greys and all)
My hair was half way down my back
Now it is just past my shoulders
I can't put it into a ponytail!
Okay, I can...but it would be stupidly small
I also dyed my hair brown
Who the hell dyes their hair brown?
My hair was just a little too orange
I have been dying my hair red, and last time
It was just not right and faded to a weird color
My hair is brown
Dark brown
And short

Thursday, March 27, 2008


I am at the library at school THINKING about doing the paper that was due yesterday. I am exhausted, bone tired exhausted. I am dealing with increased symtomology from the not-so-manic-but-always-depressed syndrome. Oh, that would be bipolar II disorder. I have been having intrusive, exhausting negative and depressingly suicidal-ish thoughts. I am under the care of professionals, and we are currently trying to keep me out of the hospital, and stay an engaged member of society. I guess I am getting somewhat better from my anxiety-chattering immobility to living on the sober cloud of exhausting -I want to sleep forever.

I don't really want to sleep forever, and that is why I am sitting at my laptop in the way to f**cking quiet library trying to focus enough to GET WORDS TYPED into an APA formatted academic hurdle. I so want to drop out at this very minute, and sleep sleep sleep.

I had a meeting with the disability office and I am going through special disability counseling on how to stay focused when you are worried that you are going to finally become psychotic and start to see fairies flying in the fields.

Seriously, I have the "title page" completed and I figured I would start with a ditty about what a "GOAL" should be. Sounds damn well ironic to be LATE handing in a paper that has to do with GOALS! LOL

I do not want to be here right now, I really feel like sleeping for days. Maybe I had a manic-mixed state and now I am crashing. Who knows. I am crazy, and it sucks.


Monday, March 24, 2008

I nearly forgot to register....

For classes...
And then I am trying to decide whether to go full time or part time. If I go full time I would take 3 classes plus an internship. If I go part time, I would do 2 classes. So those 2 classes that I would take (either way) are really important to schedule properly. I was going to register for both of them at night. I did register for the 2 classes I can take at night. However, I would rather take a different class that is at 2PM. And then I wonder if I had a job how that will be....
If I get a job that is 9-5, that would not work. But I don't even have a job yet, so what the hell should I do? Well what the heck....
I think I better register for the class that I want, and instead of scheduling classes around a job I do not have! geesh!

But most jobs are 9-5... hell!

How do I suck....eck!

Let me count the ways....

I suck, I just really do.
I just am a loser sometimes

I have the ability to make people mad and hurt
By trying to tell them they are better than they give themselves credit for...
Because of course it comes out like I am telling them
That they don't do enough

Seriously, I really suck

Friday, March 21, 2008

My new sexy....

Hunk of steel!

*****chatter chatter chatter*****

Yikes! I had the furnace fixers come out yesterday. My furnace was cracked up, burned up, dead dead dead. Um....oh my god! $2500 to replace (considering the crap chimney, the damp cellar, the size of house....) My parents put it on their credit card. The shame!
Currently, my birds are on the window sill soaking up the sun, and eating my plant. Last night they got the space heater, I took the heating pad.
I also went to the ortho-brace people and got my arm braces. I am suppose to wear them 23 hours a day. But it will be impossible. I cannot do anything. I will try to wear one at a time, and both at night.
I am hoping to be able to go to the county today and beg for assistance, but I am sure that will not work out. Now that I have money from the taxman....what a bitch.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Sirens and lights!!!!

I woke up today with a BLINDing headache. Now...I was worried about CO. I have a detector, but what if it wasn't working? I called the poison people and they said it sounded concerning and they suggested I call the Fire Department because they have detectors. So I called the non-emergency fire number....

And I have a fire truck at my house!!!! I had 5 people in my house...then 7...then....oh my god!

They checked my air, no CO. Oh my ambulance people came! I declined transport to the hospital. I let the fireman take my vitals.

Oh my god. It was so embarrasing!

I still have a headache from hell....but I'll live!

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Oh my!

I am on my way to recovering from my nasty lung-bug. I had a follow up to my "stick sharp things into back" thingy. I am being sent to physical therapy. I will soon be robot woman, or at least looking like her. I will be picking up my wrist brace splints on Friday. I have to wear them for 23 hours a day!

Another lovely happening.....
My furnance is broken
My house somehow has stayed at 60.
I have a tiny space heater, and I really warmed my house up! I am glad my birdies have a electric warming perch. I am taking the space heater upstairs with me, cause it just may be snowing in my bedroom. I will ensure it is beyond my "kicking bedding to floor" measurement.

I am so tired. I got home from my intership today, and watched my favorite TV show...trauma in the ER!!!! And then...I fell asleep in my chair.

I am doing okay in school. Hopefully I can knock some work out tomorrow, and not be so stressed out. I am so tired, I think I am still getting over being sick.

I am hoping my house doesn't blow up from my ill-working furnance. I have my CO detector plugged in. My birds are doing well, and they would get sick much earlier than me.

This does really blow.
I cannot afford a new furnance, let alone to fix it. Actually I can't afford my medical copays either, or food, gas. I have $0. Zippo...nothing. My father brought me my Rxs, and my Mom is paying for my wrist splint/braces. And my parents will be paying for my furnance repair. The shame!

Hopefully my income tax will arrive soon, and then the special stimulace check, and then the semester will be done, and I will find a job!

Friday, March 14, 2008

Sick sick sick...

I have been sick since Sunday and I kept getting worse and worse. Feverish, sweaty and chills, and a wet icky cough. My ear started to hurt too.

I called the doctors office on Wednesday (my birthday!) and the nurse thought I just had the flu. It seemed like a reasonable assessment. But then it got really bad. So I went to the doctor and he put me on azirthomycin.

My doctor does not usually give out antibiotics. Hardly ever. (I am a full supporter of the antibiotic resistant campaign).

I have asthma...and I could get sick sick sick sick. So hopefully I will be well well well soon!

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Today I am 35...

March 12th!!!

I want cake!

Anyways, I am actually sick...

I have had achy-ies, and a sore throat and a stuff nose and a cough.
I've been sick since Sunday.
I called the doctor today.
It seems bacterial...but I am not a medical person
It seems to be getting worse over time instead of better

Tuesday, March 11, 2008


Birthday to me!

I am now 35!

Sunday, March 09, 2008

I realize....

That my blogging post are not as artful, as articulate, as interesting as those posts in the beginning of my blog. I feel a sense of loss over those forgot words and beauty that I once could produce. I think that parts of me are imprisoned by a cobweb of drugs. Partly I am better, partly I am worse. My anxiety would produce a merry-go-round of thoughts that began knit together into a double chain of poetry. I now know that anxiety was nearly depression painted with mania. I was spinning toward my disintegration. Anti-depressants calmed me and then months later I was covered in the shit of the deepest depression. Hope bleed from me. To be so suicidally depressed on anti-depressants did not make sense to me. I felt there was nothing to be done, and I could do nothing. I tried to kill myself and I spent about a week involuntary contained. I had nervous breakdown. I shattered. I spent a couple of months on short-term disability and was allowed to heal. I started to read. I was medicated enough to be able to read novels. I planted bulbs and crocheted some scarfs. It was a life saver for me to just take some time to heal. Part of my demise was my very stressful work and my inability to do it. I finally healed to go back to work, and I am so very glad I did. I returned from disability and did my work well, but I knew I was impaired to do it, as it should have been done. I quit with grace under the circumstances. I struggled, I took some classes and accepted some employment. I am now in school, full time and I am struggling. I was the finance manager in charge of millions of dollars, and now I struggle in school. I still struggle with my mental health. My psychiatrist strongly suggested that I document my disability for school. I decided that I will. I will be submitting paperwork to the disability office regrading my bipolar disorder. I will finish the semester and I have deiced to look for a job. I plan on looking for a job and going to school part time. I think this will be good for me. I do hope that I can regain some of my artful words.
The picture is actually modified DNA, I am too lazy to properly attribute the photo....

I woke up....

With the most gruesome headache. But I had the most interesting dreams!

I work with a migraine-like and had some eyesight aura stuff last night.

I iced the back of my head and neck(It does work for me).

I drank coffee and took advil and sudafed. It was most likely a sinus headache. I fell asleep in from of the TV. Weird.

I no longer have a serious headache, but I feel out of it. But I will be fine.

I was worried because I had that epi shot last week. My back still was feeling worse a week afterwards. I was worried that I had a epi-deral headache thing, cause I was feeling dizzy.

I went to the store yesterday and took my blood pressure at it was 124/80. That is really high for me. I am usually 105/75.

I was worried about the steroid shot and the wonderful illnesses I was exposed to this week.

As always: Hep C and the flu. But this week I may have been exposed to strep. Someone child had strep throat, and they were not feeling well.

I was also exposed to MRSA. One of the guys is a MRSA carrier. yesh! I don't think I was exposed to it as we didn't touch...but still.....


This is not helping my hypochondria!

Monday, March 03, 2008

I woke up....

Last night Scratching myself raw.

I did not sleep very well.
And I have the feelings that
Bugs were under my skin

I wondered if it was an accidential withdrawl of sorts
I was so off today, that I wondered if I took my meds all wrong
Maybe it is my hormones

Maybe I am just insane

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Sunshine, the white and the green...

It is sunny out today! I woke up with a sunbeam on my head.

I had a strange dream about Pirates and Johnny Depp...oh my! In my dream I was tall and exotic, skinny with black hair that wisped from here to there...

And In my dream there was an old house. One in which we were searching for a certain room. I normally do not dream of pirates and sexy men, but I often dream of water and old buildings. Or I dream of building I know that have new basements or floors. I have no idea why I dream of these themes. But I do....

My back hurts...damn it!

So I set up my grow-light. I started a handful of illegal seeds. I bought some exotic tropical seeds on e-bay from Europe. They were shipped and never went through customs. As they are tropical plants, and I live in the winter-scape near Buffalo, I am not worried that I will create a epidemic of environmental doom. They were only seeds....

I also am "baking" some succulents that were placed a little too close to the window. Hopefully they will perk up. I also planted cactus seeds from Burpee. They might be fun to watch!

I really need to finish homework. I still do not have the way overdue paper done. The one I flaked about. It is almost done, which is great. I also have started other homework.

I spent time at my Parent's house as my brother was in town. It seemed like life was more important that school work. I am trying to keep my life in Balance because I often fall into very very bad states of mind when I am not in balance.

However, academia would love for you to be sucked dry, at your expense. Sometimes, I would like to remind the professors that I am paying their salary! I am learning alot but still struggling with many things. I am late getting papers in, but I accept the grading hits. My health and medical stuff has been a little crazy lately, I am only human.

I am babbling. Which is a trait I have which often times makes people dislike me.

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