Sunday, March 09, 2008

I realize....


That my blogging post are not as artful, as articulate, as interesting as those posts in the beginning of my blog. I feel a sense of loss over those forgot words and beauty that I once could produce. I think that parts of me are imprisoned by a cobweb of drugs. Partly I am better, partly I am worse. My anxiety would produce a merry-go-round of thoughts that began knit together into a double chain of poetry. I now know that anxiety was nearly depression painted with mania. I was spinning toward my disintegration. Anti-depressants calmed me and then months later I was covered in the shit of the deepest depression. Hope bleed from me. To be so suicidally depressed on anti-depressants did not make sense to me. I felt there was nothing to be done, and I could do nothing. I tried to kill myself and I spent about a week involuntary contained. I had nervous breakdown. I shattered. I spent a couple of months on short-term disability and was allowed to heal. I started to read. I was medicated enough to be able to read novels. I planted bulbs and crocheted some scarfs. It was a life saver for me to just take some time to heal. Part of my demise was my very stressful work and my inability to do it. I finally healed to go back to work, and I am so very glad I did. I returned from disability and did my work well, but I knew I was impaired to do it, as it should have been done. I quit with grace under the circumstances. I struggled, I took some classes and accepted some employment. I am now in school, full time and I am struggling. I was the finance manager in charge of millions of dollars, and now I struggle in school. I still struggle with my mental health. My psychiatrist strongly suggested that I document my disability for school. I decided that I will. I will be submitting paperwork to the disability office regrading my bipolar disorder. I will finish the semester and I have deiced to look for a job. I plan on looking for a job and going to school part time. I think this will be good for me. I do hope that I can regain some of my artful words.
The picture is actually modified DNA, I am too lazy to properly attribute the photo....

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