Wednesday, February 27, 2008

I spilled two cups of coffee this week

So this week I had four projects due. I did the excel sheet, and it look great. I brought it to class and the group member who was a bitch to me about it……complained because it had no page numbers on it! It was formatted to death and look great.

It just makes me wonder what the fuck I did, for her to hate me so much. Of course I can think of possibilities, but…whatever. Actually, I feel hated by many people. Maybe not hated, but people are indifferent to me. Last semester someone came up to me and told me that every time I spoke in class, the girl behind me frowned.

You know when you are the last picked student to be accepted into the “group” you have been marked as black. Many people don’t like me. Or find me annoying. I am sure of it. I just don’t fit in.

So I walked into a class on Monday, not have completed my paper. I just told the professor that I just was a little sick (I was!) and just did poor job managing my time. I sent him the paper later that evening. So Tuesday morning I walked into class. I see everyone with their typed and stapled papers…..

What the fuck…..

There was a paper due?

I did not have this on my calendar. I actually spent 5 minutes looking at the syllabus…
I had no fucking idea there was a paper due. I remember faintly hearing a bout paper…but…

I am such a loser.

The worst factor in all of this….

It was the same MTF professor.

He asked to see me after class. He wanted to know if I was just doing this in his classes. I told him…oh no…I am screwing up in all of my classes! (I handed a paper a week late the week before0.

This is the same professor who last semester made me re-do 2 papers. And asked me why I did so poorly on them. I just told him that I was overwhelmed (and I was!) and I needed to hand something in. He scolded me and told me I should have talked to him. So irony is a bitch.

Anyways, he was cool, but he said I had to get it done.

That was yesterday, and I still haven’t started it. Honestly. I just feel so broken about everything. I just feel like a total fuck-up. This school is hard, it really is hard.
And no one really likes me, my mental fog is worsening, my self-esteem has wavered, and my health has taken a bit of a dive.

Tomorrow I will be getting injections into my spine; I have a herniated disc in my spondylolisthesis. I need to start PT and get braces for my carpel tunnel. I Am around really sick people all of the time….and I might be getting an ulcer.

My car is going into the shop tomorrow.
Thank god my mechanic is my neighbor, or that would bring me over the edge.


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