The incredibly boring life of me

I am crabby. Doesn’t take a medical degree to figure out that I am experiencing symptoms of depression. I can’t concentrate for very long.

Today I had a few tasks to do. I had to go to PT, the bank, the post office, get car insurance quotes, fix a glitch in my resume, and write a few cover letters. This is not much, really. Eight hours later…I have yet to do the resume and cover letter stuff. I am stuck in 1st gear. How the hell am I going to manage getting a job? I purposely filled my day with structure (and self loathing) Anyways....

Let’s see if I can go a day without eating a bag of Halloween candy.

From zero to 60 in 3 secs flat

I am overwhelmed. I have my first successful ebay auction. I made $20 between five items. I know, pathetic. But it was stuff I didn't need anymore.

My wild animals are driving me nuts. My cockatiels are full of love today...and my allergies are in overdrive. They have both decided they want to be cuddly today. Yesterday they wanted nothing to do with me. I feel bad, but I just threw my bird. He is flying well, I had him jump on my hand and then I moved my hand in the direction of where I wanted to go (throwing him by sending him in the air upside down of sideways...that would be mean)...it was a nice way of telling him to go visit his buddy. They are going to eat one of my plants now. *sigh*

I looked at the job finder, and with much encouragement from a job coach (yeah, I have one do to my "disability"). Lots of jobs, lots to do.

laundry
mailing ebay stuff
sending resumes
blah blah blah

Pain is for losers

I have “trapezius myalgia” which is a fancy way of saying… my shoulder and neck hurt...and I get headaches all the time, but there really nothing wrong… you big fat loser! Seriously... “Big fat loser” is mostly like in my pt notes somewhere. Oh wait… I am on Medicaid, so that makes me a super duper loser!
It really makes me wonder. I have carpel tunnel and I have to wear custom splints. I have some weird lumber spondylothesis with a herniated disc. But really…it all boils down to Myalgia….muscle pain. Medical providers then created diseases using this word to secretly encrypt to other medical doctors that they think the patient is a loser. Loser= “fibromyalgia.”

I guess I am….disappointed. I have been going to a sports medicine place for a few years now. I have seen one of the physicians, a fellow, and two pas. Even if the PA is the best in the world, I feel dismissed somehow. If you are going to the mid-level practioner, one may assume that you are somehow uncomplicated, simple, and easy. I go to an NP for my ob/gyn…cause I AM easy (not pregnant, no problems, etc…). So what does that say about my carpel tunnel, myalgia, and spondylothesis? Not that serious….simple….dismissed?

So I am in pain. I am going to physical therapy…and hope that it get better.
I’ve had this on and off for ten years…so probably not.

I missed christmas

My dreams haunt me. Last night I was lost in a mall and a hotel looking for the tour bus home. In my dream my family was having Christmas, and I was hours and hours away. I think in my dream. Even if we made the bus, it would still be too late. I missed Christmas.
Grief and real life stresses are making it difficult to get much accomplished in the day. I spent a lot of my day playing stupid mindless computer games. It is in some ways therapeutic (smashing virtual bricks…when you want to smash you head against the wall), but mostly, a means to avoid life…Happiness or suffering it doesn’t matter.
I thought I would try to articulate my feelings here. Grief, there is a lot of grief. My dad’s sister was inquiring about some of my mom’s clothes. I was rummaging through her closet. I really did not want my aunt to go “shopping” in my mother’s closets. There is no hurry. It is but one closet and chest of drawers in my parent’s whole house that hold her personal belongings. After my mother’s death I folded every sweater and hung every blouse. I went through the house collecting my mother’s clothes, shoes, and even lipstick. They are all in my old childhood bedroom. I have given some stuff away. Generic clothes that didn’t seem to have my mother’s imprint. But I still have my mother’s dirty clothes, the clothes she went to the hospital, tucked away in the back corner. I haven’t washed them, and I really don’t want to. That last evidence of her breath is there.
But the task was too much for me. Grief comes in waves. My life is so uncertain that it just seems as if I have been thrown in the sea without a safety vest (or a life jacket). I am still unemployed and uncertain. I am lonely and alone. But mostly, I miss my mom.

Fuck me

Fuck me
Just fuck me over like a pissed on fruitcake
I guess it was just one more thing that broke my sore and angry back.
Other than the fact that my asthma is out of control
Other than the fact that I am still unemployed
Other than the fact that…my neck and back are all out of sorts….shooting pain to my pinkies, to my toes
Other than all of the crap
The window on my car door decides to go off it’s track
WTF, WTF, WTF, WTF
Why? Why me?
Why during another rainy spell…..lake effect rain…
I just want to bang my head against the wall
Except that my neck still hurts
Why does my life have to royal suck right now?