Wednesday, October 07, 2009

I missed christmas

My dreams haunt me. Last night I was lost in a mall and a hotel looking for the tour bus home. In my dream my family was having Christmas, and I was hours and hours away. I think in my dream. Even if we made the bus, it would still be too late. I missed Christmas.
Grief and real life stresses are making it difficult to get much accomplished in the day. I spent a lot of my day playing stupid mindless computer games. It is in some ways therapeutic (smashing virtual bricks…when you want to smash you head against the wall), but mostly, a means to avoid life…Happiness or suffering it doesn’t matter.
I thought I would try to articulate my feelings here. Grief, there is a lot of grief. My dad’s sister was inquiring about some of my mom’s clothes. I was rummaging through her closet. I really did not want my aunt to go “shopping” in my mother’s closets. There is no hurry. It is but one closet and chest of drawers in my parent’s whole house that hold her personal belongings. After my mother’s death I folded every sweater and hung every blouse. I went through the house collecting my mother’s clothes, shoes, and even lipstick. They are all in my old childhood bedroom. I have given some stuff away. Generic clothes that didn’t seem to have my mother’s imprint. But I still have my mother’s dirty clothes, the clothes she went to the hospital, tucked away in the back corner. I haven’t washed them, and I really don’t want to. That last evidence of her breath is there.
But the task was too much for me. Grief comes in waves. My life is so uncertain that it just seems as if I have been thrown in the sea without a safety vest (or a life jacket). I am still unemployed and uncertain. I am lonely and alone. But mostly, I miss my mom.


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