Sunday, December 20, 2009

Reject me

I went on a date yesterday. The first date in two years. Flirting on-line, he called me, we had dinner. We had deep conversations. I gave him a thank you txt (hey! this is 2009). I got the "it was nice to meet you...but" response. It hurts. This is not a heartbreak... I don't even know the guy...but seriously. It is like dating and job hunting are some of the few ways in which it is socially accept to reject someone. Not a good fit, not pretty enough, not good enough, not smart enough, not good, not not not.... This week has been the week of rejection. Shitty job interview, my dad being super critical of me, I even had people bad mouth my descriptions on my ebay listings. Seriously. People talk about a fear of rejection. I don't have a fear of rejection...I am dealing with rejection! It is just that so much in my life is crap, that a little rejection feels like an anvil. I have fighting depression, grief, unemployment, health issues.... And I have been trying to fight these awful battles...and it's like....fuck me. I have been going to physical therapy...working hard...and FUCK!!! My back gives out. I have tried to bake my mother's cookies for x-mas, and they are not good enough. I have gone on interview and interview......

just fuck me, fuck me and my life.
I am sad and hurt and angry and sad.

Just as I have rejection placed upon me from various directions. I have other pressure that sounds like an Obama speech. "YES YO CAN!" Just do it! all of these motivation speechs about how I am capable of doing so much more than I am doing. The pressure to apply for jobs that I don't feel I have the energy to do. And if I do, I don't get the job anyways. Or...someone encourages me to start dating.
And I do....I put myself out there... And I get rejected 2 hours after my first date.

It is not really about the date. It is just the last bitter pill to take after being yelled "next" after the 10th audition in a row. You try not to take it personally, but you know you skin in not as thick as everyone around you.

"Toughen up" They say...
they forget that the only way is to build up a wall...and hide under a shell
Become the soul will not get knocked down

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Path update....

Here is the completed path....

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Did I take my medicine?

Seriously? I don’t remember…….maybe? My life dilemma. I know I should get a pill case thingy…but…but...but…. I had a few cool ones and they kept breaking.
Anyways. I am still unemployed, and rather deflated about it all. I have decided to apply to take the exam and spend the holiday season focused on that. I am still looking… My resume is decent, but my interviews have been less than stellar. Most likely because I have not found a good fit for me. Also, frankly, I don’t match my resume. My resume paints a picture of a young professional who wears suits every day. The reality is I am frumpy hippy type Creative freethinker in desperate need of a hair cut (and color). My hair color is off (I tried to lighten my hair so they grey wasn’t so noticeable)…and my hair looks…fried (as a teenager, I often complained of this). My hair is getting very very gray…. I may be completely grey by the time I am 40. I need a date at the hair salon soon!
My Dad and I have been watching the A+E show “hoarders.” My dad is worried about me…. It makes my dad crazy that I use my dining room table to organize my projects… And he thinks I have too much stuff. I have no precious moment’s collections… but I do have “stuff.” I have a few random collections…50’s x-mas angels, a box of rescued embroidered dollies, and a mountain of craft supplies. My dad however…has junk. Ten or so years ago, I cleaned his garage and throughout his junk. I still tease him about the 15 year old visor from a car he was saving…for what? We have been teasing each other…I agreed to clean his garage again… I am selling stuff on e-bay…..I made $30 so far…whippy
Off to finish my eBay postings, my exam application, and other nonsense…then on to the outside x-mas decorations….

adopt your own virtual pet!