I went on a date yesterday. The first date in two years. Flirting on-line, he called me, we had dinner. We had deep conversations. I gave him a thank you txt (hey! this is 2009). I got the "it was nice to meet you...but" response. It hurts. This is not a heartbreak... I don't even know the guy...but seriously. It is like dating and job hunting are some of the few ways in which it is socially accept to reject someone. Not a good fit, not pretty enough, not good enough, not smart enough, not good, not not not.... This week has been the week of rejection. Shitty job interview, my dad being super critical of me, I even had people bad mouth my descriptions on my ebay listings. Seriously. People talk about a fear of rejection. I don't have a fear of rejection...I am dealing with rejection! It is just that so much in my life is crap, that a little rejection feels like an anvil. I have fighting depression, grief, unemployment, health issues.... And I have been trying to fight these awful battles...and it's like....fuck me. I have been going to physical therapy...working hard...and FUCK!!! My back gives out. I have tried to bake my mother's cookies for x-mas, and they are not good enough. I have gone on interview and interview......
just fuck me, fuck me and my life.
I am sad and hurt and angry and sad.
Just as I have rejection placed upon me from various directions. I have other pressure that sounds like an Obama speech. "YES YO CAN!" Just do it! all of these motivation speechs about how I am capable of doing so much more than I am doing. The pressure to apply for jobs that I don't feel I have the energy to do. And if I do, I don't get the job anyways. Or...someone encourages me to start dating.
And I do....I put myself out there... And I get rejected 2 hours after my first date.
It is not really about the date. It is just the last bitter pill to take after being yelled "next" after the 10th audition in a row. You try not to take it personally, but you know you skin in not as thick as everyone around you.
"Toughen up" They say...
they forget that the only way is to build up a wall...and hide under a shell
Become wooden...so the soul will not get knocked down