Sunday, December 20, 2009

Reject me


I went on a date yesterday. The first date in two years. Flirting on-line, he called me, we had dinner. We had deep conversations. I gave him a thank you txt (hey! this is 2009). I got the "it was nice to meet you...but" response. It hurts. This is not a heartbreak... I don't even know the guy...but seriously. It is like dating and job hunting are some of the few ways in which it is socially accept to reject someone. Not a good fit, not pretty enough, not good enough, not smart enough, not good, not not not.... This week has been the week of rejection. Shitty job interview, my dad being super critical of me, I even had people bad mouth my descriptions on my ebay listings. Seriously. People talk about a fear of rejection. I don't have a fear of rejection...I am dealing with rejection! It is just that so much in my life is crap, that a little rejection feels like an anvil. I have fighting depression, grief, unemployment, health issues.... And I have been trying to fight these awful battles...and it's like....fuck me. I have been going to physical therapy...working hard...and FUCK!!! My back gives out. I have tried to bake my mother's cookies for x-mas, and they are not good enough. I have gone on interview and interview......

just fuck me, fuck me and my life.
I am sad and hurt and angry and sad.


Just as I have rejection placed upon me from various directions. I have other pressure that sounds like an Obama speech. "YES YO CAN!" Just do it! all of these motivation speechs about how I am capable of doing so much more than I am doing. The pressure to apply for jobs that I don't feel I have the energy to do. And if I do, I don't get the job anyways. Or...someone encourages me to start dating.
And I do....I put myself out there... And I get rejected 2 hours after my first date.

It is not really about the date. It is just the last bitter pill to take after being yelled "next" after the 10th audition in a row. You try not to take it personally, but you know you skin in not as thick as everyone around you.

"Toughen up" They say...
but
they forget that the only way is to build up a wall...and hide under a shell
Become wooden...so the soul will not get knocked down

3 Comments:

Blogger Valarie said...

Sitting here Christmas morning just reading random blogs I came across yours and my heart just goes out to you. I sincerely hope things get better for you. Sometimes we all go through times where it seems things will never get better, I know I do. I can understand and empathize with all your words. I'm just wishing you blessings and some sunshine into your life.

1:17 PM  
Blogger Laura said...

I came across your blog just like Valarie did and felt the need to leave you a comment, because I understand what you are going through. Life is not always fair, but please don't let your soul harden. Depression sucks but it's up to you to get rid of it. The longer you dwell in it the more it will control you.
I guess blogging is a good outlet - writing can ease the pain.

Listen, this may sound unimportant...but try to change the layout of your blog. Make it lighter, it's just so dark, way too dark. Visuals affect our moods, you know? Choose a happier color.:)

Hope you will feel better soon. New Year - new possiblities.

Hugs from a stranger who prays for you.

Laura

9:48 AM  
Blogger Ladyk73 said...

Thank you for the comments. I generally vent my pain and hurt on this blog, and leave my happier thoughts to real life.

Perhaps I need to blog more about happier things here for balance

7:13 PM  

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