Okay....

All of these issues, mental or other wise
Must stem from the fact that I am ...
sick

I have a sore throat and a little sniffle and I am exhausted
My back is killing me
And I have to pee alot

I actually have an MRI and some sort of exam to see if I have carpel tunnel.

My back (before I felt running nose sick)
Has been bothering me alot
I keep worrying that I am really sick
But I bet I just have an ulcer from eating
Advil all of the time

I nearly passed out at the grocery store
I woke up 1PM this "morning"
And could barely keep my eyes open

I think I am going top call in sick tomorrow
And try to get better
Whatever issue I have

I am sure this was the cause of all my mental issues too
Or vise versa

The problem is...

I have problems...issues
mental health issues...

I have a mental illness
I have been in the hospital
Twice since October 2006

I am not sleeping well
I am not feeling well
I am not doing well

But I am not doing horrible either
A little blue
Alot of anxiety
Alot of physical pain
Alot of real emotional bullshit

I have issues with interpersonal issues
I cannot deal well with people
When I am under stress
Most of that stress if inter personal
I have never been popular
With popular people

I don't know, for so long I was:
A board member
A corporate controller
Community Volunteer

Many times I was respected? An earned respected?
I was a person in power
But I was nice, and rational

Since I lost my emotional grace
When I lost my mind
I lost my previous identity
I lost my job
I lost IQ points
I lost my postions
I lost respect
I lost confidence


And people don't really like me

And maybe I am just unlikeable.

Is this High School?

As a first year graduate student in social work...
I feel like I am in High School.

Earlier today I was a very pissed off woman

Anger
Anger

I hate groups sometimes....
Today I was raked over the coals by my group
First there was an e-mail incident
Involving the fucked up student e-mail system

How many times does it take to forward an e-mail?
Three-Four? And then you kick the computer and send it as an attachment

But that is okay...

Just make me the class idiot...kick me too, okay?

Oh....and thank you group members for letting me out on a limb....
Our group research will take like 100 hours (compared to the other class groups, which is like 10 hours) I shit you not.


My group members were bitching an fucking whining. They wanted the agency people to do it. Me and another group member said we will do it. So In class today...in front of the IRB guy, we asked if we can get assistance from the agency (which we can't). The IRB guy (in front of 100 people) asked my why "we wouldn't want to do everything ourselves" and I said it was alot work compared to other groups and honestly, as a purely academic function (as this was assigned to us), it was disheartening to be graded compared to other groups....

*gosh* gee whiz, 100 FUCKING HOURS!!!!!!!

You know, when you are taking 16 graduate credit hours, plus a 15 hour a week internship (plus work for many-which I tried to do...but I am crazy so...)

Gasp!
How could I?

Yeah.....so my motherfucking group member bitched and moaned about this. So what does she say? "I am looking forward to it...it will be great!" to the prof and IRB person.

WHAT THE FUCK!!!!

Can you rake me over the coals? Am I your sacrificial lamb? Are you that much of a fucking bitch?

OH...maybe It is just me

It always goes back to me.
I just don't fit in with the 24 years old, skinny, hardly employed, quiet, perfectly shy, popularity peeppy gogogo girl

I don't fit in with this school
I don't fit in with these students
I don't fit in with their attitude
I don't fit in with this field.

I am too opinionated, too unpopular, too fat, too psychotic, too uncomfortable.

I really really really hate this. Another class requires us to self select groups for the year. I asked two people, who already found groups. I told the prof that I am sure I am not the only one, and perhaps she (as the prof) could make an inquiry via e-mail. I think she asked me if I could ask my "friends" when I see them in another class. I emphasized to her that I indeed did not know everyone in the class. (maybe I should of said I didn't join the social work sorority). So...I (and three others) were required to broadcast an e-mail that stated how much of a loser I was for not being selected in a group yet. Maybe, the four of us will become a group, maybe not.

Yes...

So I am in elementary school again, the last to picked for the team.

Nothing like an outdoor festival in the middle of winter!

Yesterday...me and the girls traveled to our neighbors to the north. We went to Niagara-on-the-lake in Ontario, CA. It was the Ice wine festival! We love it, and go every year. They carve the bar(s) out of ice. The main road is tied off and it is just lovely. Until very recently, there was not even a tent. After three years of 5 degree weather, they started pitching a tent.

I drank some ice wine!

Ice wine is a snob drink...at about $40-$80 a bottle (and a bottle of ice wine is tiny). It is like wine...but not really. It is thick and syrupy, like a wine cordial.

I am not a snobby wine drinker...but I love icewine. It is a snobby rich thing like caviar and fur coats and face lifts.

But, as the queen vineyard of icewine is just miles a way.....

I say cheers!

ICE WINE!

I am too sleepy...

For this blog post.

School, pain, sleepy.
Great, my back is not working right
Hard to get out of bed, nervy pain to the ankles, numby fingers.
I am too tired to do my homework.

My mom's dog used her couch to wipe his butt......ewww!
But he is cute anyways.

I really need to see the doctor about my broken back.
Give me shots! I want the shots!

And I want a electric blanket (maybe)

And um...a fireplace (like that is going to happen!)

Winter is here....and I blew a fuse today. Well....I had my microwave the washer, dryer, refrigerator, and my iron on all on the same line? Giggles

And yes....it was a fuse (15 amp).

Oh...do you think I iron my clothes? Are you kidding me? No...I use my iron for quilting. I was piecing a quilt top today instead of my homework...

My back hurts
Did I tell you that? Actually my shin hurts the most....Weirdness.

UGHHHHH!

My birds can fly...sort of. With one feather. Oh my god! At least they get tired and are more willing to be picked up from high places. They appear to have a one foot high, per three feet in length.

My baby bird is learning to talk just like the older one. Soon...I will not be able to tell them apart.

It is like them learning a new language.

They make kissy noises when they want to be pet. Basic skinner conditioning. I make kissy noises when I pet them.

They are soooooooo mad at me!

I brought my fuzzy brats to the vets. They got their check ups, the baby got a shot and her band taken off. And both had their wings clipped! (which is just their feathers by the way, like clipping toenails)

They were both in full flight. Which concerned me, as they could escape. They were contained in the bathroom when I was not home. They spent a great deal of time on the tops of door and window moldings. And..they were messy.

No more....

I created a jungle gym of places for them to go, but they are still getting use to their new handicaps. This is much better for me for my stress levels.
Not as much cleaning, not as much worrying about them destroying another beloved house plant...etc...

The only thing that is a worry, is the possible of them ending up somewhere in which they cannot escape. I have arranged their "neighborhood" to minimize that.

blah........

School has started, a week to early...it seems. The university started the spring semester a WEEK EARLY. I spent my break out of town, or making up hours of my internship. I need more time...I am starting school exhausted. Grad school, gotta love it. Next year will be so much easier.

However, I feel a little alienated. Many of my classmates have bonded, and have become friends. I know many of the students in my class. Most of the students have been chatting up a storm and making lunch plans, etc... I feel a little left out. I asked someone if they wanted to work together on a group project and I got a very polite rejection. Yikes!

However, I did talk to a classmate (who I knew from last year, but not very well) about her bag. It was obviously homemade. We both quilted, and talked about it before class. When class ended, she handed me a two page directions on how to make the bag, that she wrote during class (with diagrams and everything!)
That made my day!

I know I have a lot of personality issues that I need to deal with. Hence my diagnosed personality disorder. I want to try to be more.....laid back? I hate being in classroom, where no one raises their hand. I always seem to talk, and I feel mixed feelings about it. I know in big classes, I have gotten good feedback from people, because I ask the questions that everyone wants to know, but are too afraid to ask. But in smaller classes....

Well I am opinionated and passionate at times....but only on as few issues.
I need to take a step back and TRY to be more balanced.

Yeah, I have issues. They suck.

Shop to you drop!

I was feeling tired, worn out, sad, and depressed
So I did some retail therapy
I went to the new and improved mall
They built a new wing
With fancy-ass stores
With there fancy ass labels
And their $150 pair of jeans
And their $300 purses
(Okay I actually lusted after the $300 purse)
But anyways

This is Buffalo
A poor rust belt city
With stores selling $50 bottles of nail polish

It makes PERFECT sense!
(It actually does make sense)

There is a fancy-ass city
70 miles north
With fancy-ass people
Who like fancy ass clothes

Who are suddenly “rich”
Because of their dollar…
Um…
I mean Loonie!

Toronto shoppers, here they come!

I think it is great. I find it amusing watching the Canadians in Target.
It’s like watching kids in a candy store

So as the Canadians bought their Gucci and there Coach
I spent $40 at the Old Navy Sale

A few years ago (2002), when the American dollar was very high
I dragged my parents (they had a truck!)
To the Ikea
In Burlington, Ontario
I bought cheap furniture
At a 40% American currency discount
And!!! We Americans got our GST refunded at the border

The poor Candians have to sneak clothes across the border
So they can evade their high duty costs

Missing....

The beautiful day yesterday
With all of the snow and cold gone
Made me notice...
The most important thing

MISSING!!!!!!!

Birds!
Chirp chirp
No...not MY birds
(those silly cockatiels)

Bird...Birds

Cardinals, sparrows, woodpeckers
The birds that stay here in the winter
(maybe they flew south from the Arctic!)
None...nothing...silence

It felt like a nuclear winter
A nice day...and no peep of a bird
It made me think that there was a toxic leak
From love canal (a few miles north)

So far...
I've seen a small flock of blackbirds
And some Canada Geese

A tease of spring....

And Suddenly...it is 60 degress out!

Wow. All of the x-mas decorations are put away. I left a purple and a blue LED string of lights dancing on the porch. I also have a .....blue ball....giggles. It is garden light of some sort. I still have pretty on my porch, just not x-mas-y. I managed to wire the birdhouse to the under eve of the porch. It had fallen down, after a big wind storm. There was a little ball of fluff living in there. I hope they come back.

Speaking of fluff...
I haven't seen any birds at my feeder in weeks.

Today I bought bulbs! The nursery I worked (in the spring) were selling bulbs really really cheap. I bought two huge paper bag full of bulbs for $25 or something. I gave Irises to my friend. Perhaps extra tulips for the other friends.

Last year I spent $500 on bulbs. When I had my real job. This year I crimped and splurged and spent $50 on bulbs. So my clearance find was pretty cool.

I was actually thinking of buying tulips anyways, keeping them in the back of my fridge until the first hint of a thaw.

Well that thaw came crashing down today.

So I am taking the day off my internship tomorrow to plant bulbs.

Dry Heat? or a Wet Cold?

It is like 17F degrees outside. It is cold as hell! Oh...wait...nevermind.

...which reminds me to go visit the falls (Niagara Falls) cause they get so creepy and cool around there when it drops below 20F degrees.

So I am kind of cool-ish in Buffalo.
I was shivering my ass off in the southern-belle-freakin NASHVILLE!

Hm....different clothes? ... wore same jacket. Different time spent outside? Okay I admit it feels colder scraping my car...than taking dogs outside (in Nashville).

Raining in Nashville? Snow in Buffalo?

THE RAIN IN NASHVILLE IS COLDER.

They say Vegas has a DRY heat...maybe Buffalo has a dry cold?

Stupid Poem

My heart flutters like a butterfly, being chased by a bat
Anxiety, anxiety…Suffering is a fact

I should be happy, I got a B+ in all my classes
It would even be better if I paid off my glasses

I go to work, almost everyday
It would be even better if I got some pay

My leg…it still is shaking
My heart is still aching
Would it be better
If my heart was shaking?

Yes…this is…a stupid poem
But I thought it was better
Than hearing me moan

I had the strangest dream last night....

I had a dream about an old love last night. He broke my heart, but I knew it would happen going in. Actually, I broke my own heart. I got over it. I am not making any sense, but love doesn't make sense alot of times.

I don't talk to him much anymore. But I miss him, now that I think about it...you know? Just a strange dream that can bring on the strangest of feelings and memories.

I guess this is just my way of saying to the world...wish him well for me...

Sniff...sniff...sniff

We may have lost...but our city still kicks ass!
Hockey is the only REAL sport!
Snow on Ice...2008