Monday, December 31, 2007


So I just returned from the trip to Nashville. Thankfully my family didn't bother me as much as I feared. I did have to play referee between my parents a few times during the drive. Whenever I took the wheel my dad bitched at me for going to fast, and then bitched at me for going to slow. WTF. After a while, my dad decided that I was less likely to crash his car then he was and shut up.

Nashville...lovely Nashville. I lived in Nashville for a bit about 10 years ago. I get lost in Nashville cause everything is different. But when everyone else is lost, I remember a random landmark and everything is okay. Nashville is just to swanky for me. I never did fit in. At least the people I hung with were the alt-mod-punk types. At least the punks who were not Jesus freaks. I mean Jesus FREAKS. They were interesting. I worked at a cool ass coffeehouse in a bookstore. Even if I personally was a dork.

I never fit in in Nashville. I was a yankee, agnostic, overweight, hippie, weird, lost and self conscious underemployed broke recent college graduate. I never did get a real job. I made one friend, but I did loose contact. However, being a true Nashvillian... I did make the Man in Black a cup of coffee.

So I know visit Nashville as a stranger. I go to the places people take me to. My brother has moved to a new neighborhood. The things I remember, the places I went to, are far from his home. I do miss the green-ness of it, and the beautiful hills.

But WTF... I was COLDER in NASHVILLE than I have ever been in BUFFALO.
My brother and my sis-in-laws have fancy Phds. My brother does fancy research, grants up the ying yang, at a fancy fancy school. They live in a beautiful Victorian house with 15-20 ft high ceilings. Windows about as tall as my house. The perfect southern house.....that gets COLD!!!!!!! Nashville was cold! a wet cold. I woke up shivering in Nashville. Just a little reminder....I LIVE IN BUFFALO!!!!
how weird. I guess my tiny house, old but insulated, is just much warmer.

My family was crazy. My nephews are adorable. My little three year old nephew is a little adorable monster. I adore him...but he has temper tantrums that make me panic. Seriously, at one point I had to leave the house. Something is not right.... My nephew really take tantrums to a new high level. I don't me, once a child has reached crazy....sometimes the best parenting is to disengage....exit stage right. Yikes. He is doll though.....really.

I met my brother dog....he woke me in the mornings with is sloppy kisses. Cute and yucky all at once!

I am glad to see me family. I played with the little ones, and became a camine Shepard.

But I am glad I am back. It was exhausting.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Ghetto lights

Sometimes I think X-mas has an "X" for a reason.
While viewing Christmas lights I saw:

A sheep "willing and ready"
A reindeer pooping presents
Two reindeer knocking hooves
Mickey and Minnie with a threesome with Goofy.
Many drunken and fallen over santas
Snowman who were doped up
Some dead reindeer
And some deflated causalities
There was an angel with a stick up her bum
And candles that looked like dildos
There were balls everywhere
Most of them blue

Oh my....

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Blue for Christmas?

I am afraid my mother will drive me bat-shit crazy for x-mas.
The day after Christmas my parents are going to drag me out of bed
And lock me in a car with them for 12 hours.


We are driving to Nashville to visit my brother and his family.
My other brother is flying in from the west coast.
I am not up to it, I am really not looking forward to this.

I mean, I want to see my brother and my awesome sis-in-law
And my cute chubby cheek nephews
But this drive...oh my god.

My parents and their drama.

My dad wants to bring the telescope
My mother said their is no room.
My mother is packing 8 tubs of cookies.

My mother is drinking like a fish.
It bothers me alot
I don't want to be around her when she drinks
I caanot convince her to stop
I am trying to get her to see a doctor
She has some health issues
It makes me worry

She is not driving thank god.
Hopefully I can drive some of the way.

She asked me a shit load of questions today
About random streets, and routes
(I live in Nashville like 8 years ago).

All I can recall at the time
Is Hillsboro, 2nd, and Broadway.

They 'renamed" all of the interstates since I've lived there
As in a road that used to be a loop
Is now the main interstate,
The main interstate is now a loop.
I guess you can do that when three interstates come together.
I get so confused.

I just want to chill out
Call me the Grinch
But I am somewhat dreading this trip
I just fear my family will drive me bat shit crazy.

So....I am so packing my klonopin...

Saturday, December 22, 2007

No more cooking for me!

I used to think I was a pretty good cook. Not great. but decent.

I tried to make choc chip cookies yesterday. They turned into choc chip grizzle.

I think my baking soda had no pep left.

I give up on baking this year.

Monday, December 17, 2007


I think I hurt my arm a wee little shoveling. My fingers have resumed there stuck-id-ness. Damn ...ouch..ouch. I also have the most annoying icky cut on my other hand from cutting myself with a very sharp knife.

My field educator laughed at me while I spilled my coffee, while on a quest to clean spilled my little drip became a pond in the middle of the table. I have a spot on my shirt from some sort of meal. Yeah...I am a total klutz.

I sat on a group today at my work. Kind of co-ran it. I basically had some PTSD symptoms myself. There is a guy who has some similar issues and symptoms as myself, so when he talks it hits a big nerve with me. He is such a kind man. I told him after the group that there was some evidence that you can get PTSD over being suicidal. He was triggered by a box cutter.....funny....I was triggered by him talking about it. I told him about the PTSD cause it made sense to me, not because it was about me. I told him it was an idea, a way of thinking about things. He told me it seemed to make some sense...I wished him a good day.

I am the "therapist," I cannot believe it. I kind of feel like a fraud...a peer concealed as an intern.

I over shared again today with my field educator and other intern, while processing some stuff. Someday I am going to blurt out that my G.A.F. score or maybe my Field educator figures out why I am a little space cadet sometimes.

T%hey talk about vicarious traumatization in social work school. I am not sure that is it...maybe? But I certainly had my own trauma issues to deal with today.

I still haven't figure out what my momentary feelings of dread may be. Anxiety perhaps. What if I was having a seizure or something? They really suck, and honestly can really make me crazier. I just wished I knew what they were. Dissociation? Panic? Psychosis? glimpses of hell?

Yeah, I know.... I think I have been getting a little depressed again.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

My growing reindeer collection

More angels

My angels

*cough cough*

So...the blizzard is nearly done. Pleeeze...I live in Buffalo, this is not a blizzard! However, we managed to have freezing rain in 18 degree F weather, how is that possible? Could the storm been a warm front? Anyways, the sleet made the roads really really bad today. My Dad picked me up in his mini suv and took me to their house for dinner, and to the pharmacy for my scripts. I chilled at the parents house, playing with Casey the dog. Dad took me home with snowblower in back. He blowed away the snow in my driveway and walk. He wouldn't let me shovel, which is good cause I am still a cripple. The neighbor (spunky older lady) got stuck in her driveway. I shoveled around her tires and my dad yelled at me. He pushed her out, and used the snowblower on her very short driveway. She just kind of looked at me, as I did some baby shoveling around her door. I had to sheepishly explain that I have a nearly broken arm. She took the shovel away from me and finished the job in three stokes. yikes...the shame.

My asthma is kicking my butt.

Anyways, I keep forgetting that I am busted up. If I use my arm too much, the bruise turns into a purple red screaming mark...and then retreats to a yellow purple after alot of rest. My Dad yelled at me for trying to shovel. I am glad he did. My arm really hurts, when I move my fingers.

My friends just bought a house. I let them borrow my wallpaper steamer remover tools. I showed my friend how to use it. A scraped a little with my good arm. After an hour, I felt drained. I can't explain it. It is like the body is telling me I am broken and to stop trying to accomplish anything.

I am suppose to go to my intership tomorrow. If my driveway remains clear I guess I should go in. I already told my field educator that I may not come in it is a crazy day when they close everything. Basically, someone who can't shovel, should not be out on days like this.

I will have to wake up, check the news, look out the window and decide.

Oh...I also sliced my finger today (on my non-injured hand) So I am just pathetically clumsey.

piv: my backyard....a week ago? Much more snow now!

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Proof that I am a dork....

These were answers that I actually put on an exam:

Castration anxiety and morality is related in the sense that little boys fear becoming little girls by having their little parts cut off. They fear that this would happen because they did something wrong, like having a crush on their mother (Freud’s Oedipus Complex).

Ego and Id are Freudian ideas of the mind. Everyone is born with an ID, the ID who wants pleasure and a nice meal of milk. The Ego is the rational portion of the mind that sees the “reality principle,” or how to get that milk. These two parts are regulated by the Superego that keeps people from stealing other people’s milk.

Generalized other and Self-concept are a part of the symbolic interaction theory. Human interaction is symbolic. An individual’s self concept is really the idea of what other people think about them. The generalized other is internalization of values of others. So people don’t really exist unless other people hear them fall down a tree; “I am, because we are.”

Operant Conditioning and Social Learning both relate to behaviorism. Social learning is the idea that you learn from the actions of other people or society. Operant Conditioning is the idea that behavior is learning by the consequences of that behavior. So if you punch your classmate, and the teacher makes you sit in the corner, you learn that hitting people is bad, because the consequences are that you will be giving a time out and the teacher and classmates will be mad at you, and no one will want to play with you anymore.

Maybe I should just disappear....

I seem to be getting a significant amount of NEGATIVE feedback.
In blogland..some people have been calling me Lady AK47

I got an "adequate" on my field placement
I still might "flunk" out by getting lower than a B-

And negative feedback because I asked to hand in a paper a day late-with a weeks notice with medical documentation. What the fuck!

Just makes me think that no one wants me to be a social work
(except the clients I treat-well maybe they only like me cause I have big boobs or something-they are old men)

This shit is too hard
To not have one person say
something encouraging

What the fuck am I doing with my life?
Do I have a use on this earth at all?
Do I just whine and piss people off?
Why are social work schools so mean?

As if they can treat the students with an ounce of
Respect that we are taught to give to the worse...

I should just shut the fuck up
Shut up shut up shut up

I am just so mad at myself

I bet my G.A.F has dipped below a 50 again

Tuesday, December 11, 2007


I finished the 8 page paper that was due yesterday. My Prof was a bit snarky with me about it. Please. I have an exam that must be submitted in by tomorrow night. I do much better on exams than papers (sometimes). So I feel better about this. Although it will still be hellish.

I am still a bit sickly. Just a bit. But a million times better than on Sunday. I hope I will feel myself tomorrow. Where as I only can complain about my busted up arm and nerve/ back pain. I can write today!!!! Just a bit, and I have started to type o my bum hand. A little bit cause it gets swollen.

I really do hope I have better posts in the future. After this school hell.
One more exam, a rewrite, and to post that case presentation. Oh my...

Monday, December 10, 2007

Could it get any worse?

Okay....I actually cried a river last night
And I feel like crying now.
So my life is hell

I have not felt so sick
In a very long time
Since as a child

I had the stomach flu
And apparently sleeping sickness of some sort
I slept for 30 of 36 hour period
And my waking moments were not of a great quality
My arm (and my head) were in pain
I tried to take tylenol
Not a good idea

So I was in pain
I could not take any of my bipolar meds
So today
I feel emotionally crappy
I cannot explain it
I feel worse than when I was depressed

Could I feel this bad from just missing one days of meds?
My arm hurts
My spirits are down
so very very down

I want my mommy

These are the times when I realize how alone I am
How screwed up I am
Maybe I am just running a fever
But hey

Friday, December 07, 2007

You know

Today I was thinking how much more well I am
Than seasons of past
I got a package today
(I started ebaying for vintage reindeer)
And I took out the X-acto
To open the package
And I thought it has been a while since....
That I felt that hurting myself felt so alien to me now

And I thought of how very fat, fatter fast
That the drugs have made me
And I thought of my internship
And thought I was sicker than many of those I "treat"

And I thought that I may not have my internship much longer
If I flunk out of school
And what the fuck was I going to do
And what the fuck am I doing now?

I nearly had a panic attack yesterday
About my arm, nearly delusional
That it was broken
And I realized that I had to ask someone else
If my hand was indeed swelled up
And it is...and has a swollen look

I went to my primary
Cause I was so freaked out
And he, the most patient man of all
Was getting fustrated with me
And I just felt shame

I could easily stayed in bed today
But I went into my internship
And suddenly found myself
running a MICA group with 16 people
by myself
With crying veteran men

And I just think I am too crazy for this gig
I cannot concentrate on my school work anymore

I have a paper, long, due on monday
And I can only type with 1.5 hands

Today I nearly strangled a worker
at the VA who could not seem to understand
That I could not write with a pen
I did most of the EMR charting
Cause I could type
But I told her like three times that...
to write something down
"I don't have good handwriting"
Funny how I could type notes faster with one hand then she could think

Then I thought of the pain scale
I was thinking
That my back pain can get pretty high
Where I had gasped
When I tried to stand when I could not

But my arm pain....
is different
I would say it was maybe a 4
but it is grating...constant
numbing, uncomfortable
and a reminder that I cannot do shit
It almost feels like a needle
would relieve the pressure some how
And It itches
It is not high on the pain
But somehow makes me so weak

I came how from my internship
With bags under my eyes
That were down to my knees

People get sick of you after awhile
If you keep asking them to do things
Like carrying a can of pop
Cause you only have one hand

My fucking arm hurts
I have shit to do
and I am crazy

Sums it up
I am going to take some narcotics now
But I am so dizzy

But I have five stars and a ball

Thursday, December 06, 2007

I am...



I am not dealing with anything well.
I am freaking out, thinking I may have a more injured arm
I dunno...It feels so unnatural.
I feel a river dripping inside.
My hand is swelled and I cannot move my fingers much
Just seems unsettling.
If It were not my dominate hand, I would not be so worried

I called the doctors office at 8:30PM
I told them what happened and that I was worried that my hand swelled up.
I don't make diagnosises over the the office in the

I asked him if it was normal to have a hand swell considering what happened. I did not mean to ask him for his advice in that matter. I was actually kind of freaking out, and wondered if I should go to the ER or something. I was not I called the on-call person.

The experience just made me feel like crap. I didn't mean to bother anyone..I just didn't want to go to the ER for a stupid reason, and I did not want to find out later that I was stupid for not doing anything for a hand that was swelling significantly in the last few hours. Also my bruise was getting bigger.

I know this is mostly just anxiety. I really want to see my doctor cause he is very patient with me. I usually begin my appointments..."I know this might just be anxiety but....."

I know it gets annoying for doctors to get these kinds of calls, but I was concidering an ER or urgent care place...and it was only 8:30. I would not call at 10pm or anything.

The whole experience makes me feel shameful. And loser like. I suck...I suck at everything I do.

I am pissed can you tell?

On Monday, I arrived at a profs office during office hours. I asked her I could
reschedule my presentation because I had a BIG FUCKING PAINFUL CAST ON MY ARM. I was in disbelief when the prof did not budge at all, and expect me to do
the project. So of course I bombed it. I know I came across as passive
aggressive today. I certainly felt it, but didn't mean to be.
I was late to class, not because I was pissed, but because I could not button my pants, or click my seatbelt, etc.

So I come home and find this:

On Wed Dec 5 18:16 , sent:

>Dear Kristen:
>I am sorry if you felt today in class that I was interrupting
your flow, but I wanted you to focus on the assignment.
>For your case presentation, you did not follow directions.
There is a reason for the directions. It is not enough to
have information about a client; we need to organize
information about a client and decide how we are thinking
about it.
>The information needs to be organized - verbally and in
writing - according to what is laid out in the syllabus - a
description of client system; presenting problem; strengths
and challenges; your role; etc. etc....... The syllabus is
very specific. I'm not sure why you ignored it.
>What would you like to do about this?

What the fuck!

My response:

When you say "what would you like to do about this?" what do
you mean?

This email sounds very threatening to me.

In addition to the fustrations of not being able to use my
dominate hand, I am experiencing significant pain.
Despite my injuries, I did present a case study to the
class. Of course I am disappointed that I flustered during
the presentation. I generally present well, and have a
history speaking to large groups.

I totally lost my train of thought during the presentation. I
am just in too much physical discomfort.

So what would I like to do about it?

Accept the fact that I did not do well
But considering my situation, I think I should be giving a bit
of a break (pun intended).

When I post the assignment to the blackboard I will try to
organize the info as per the syllibus.

Please keep in mind how defeated and demoralized I feel when I
submit my lab, PAINFULLY typed, and to be made aware of my
punctuation errors. It feels kind of crappy.


Yeah...I have had enough of this motherfucking school.

And it is hard to face the fact that I suck.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007


So should I listen to a Ortho-fuck-up (while goggling, found out he was put on probation for gross misconduct) or three Er docs? Ortho tells me it is a bruise. Okay.....I have my x-raYS...and I see the hairline fracture. perhaps I don't need a cast...but I cannot move my fingers or elbow well.

And I feel gross when my bone feels drippy....

I must say.....

I caused giggles in ER docs and nurses. " A box of angels?" they giggled. After I had my x-rays done....I overheard the docs talking (I went to a small community ER)about me. I guess I have a weird fracture...the attending want to know how it happened. The angels must not have been very heavenly. Although they all took flight during my trip down a flight of stairs.

Ortho Doc Tomorrow

What the fuck.....

I am creating this blog as a test, really, to see how long it takes me to type a paragraph with one finger. I fractured one of the bones in my forearm in a weird way. I didn't really hurt much until now. I just feel more broken than anything. Kind of like feelings of nausea when I move my fingers.
The weirdest feeling is the feeling of have that is like water dripping underneath my skin.

I went to school today, and felt so so tired and out of it.

It is the last week of classes and I needed to check in with my prof. Frankly, one prof was a bitch. I have to present a case study and she will not budge. She agreed to let me hand in my paper in bullet form.

I am pretty pissed right now.
What the fuck!
Um...breaking a bone is more than not being able to use fucking hurts! I just don't feel well....
I can't bath, I can barely brush my teeth, my body hurts, I am tired. But the school still expects me to write a 10 page paper, finish an exam, present at two classes, hand in a lab, a case framework, and a redo.


I can most likely do the labs, maybe the exam if it is multiple choice mostly. I think I will need to take an incomplete. I am trying this with a couple of fingers of my non-dominate hand.
I can do it at 25% of normal speed, with a few hours practice.
But it hurts to sit in a chair.

I really hate this school.

Monday, December 03, 2007

i broke my arm

my right arm....


fell down stairs
holding box of ANGELS

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Why do I do this to myself?

I have a paper, no two, a case study a lab...blah blah blah
Tons of crap-o-la of school work.
And again, I accomplished little

I was going to go to the coffeehouse
Eat a nice salad, laptop, work
It was mobbed with holiday shoppers

So I go home
Sit in front of the computer
And draw a blank

And sit here
playing this stupid game
Not allowing myself any fun
Unless I do some work

I am my own worse enemy

And then I get into this self-loathing thing
I cannot wait until school is over


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