Thursday, May 31, 2007

The year of mental anguish

So the major depression reoccurring and out of control anxiety...maybe Bipolar II?

This has been such a hard year:
New diagnosis
New life
New stressors

I have had friends tell me that I seem fine
How could I be ill?
Even my psy doctors comment on the amount of drugs I am on
That exceeds most people my age

My experience with the challenges I had faced
Securing my own wellness
Had given me the desire to work in social services.

I have always worked in social service agencies
But as an assistant or Finance Manager
I still have headhunters calling me
Regarding my Controller/ Accounting and Budget Management skills
I still have coworkers from my old job (going through an audit)
Calling me for help...six months after I quit (before I was fired)

After my bosses excessive discrimination after my hospitalization
Many has suggested that I file a complaint
And seeing is that my coworkers are still contacting me for help
After much contemplation that many may do after nearly terminating their own life
I decided that accounting was not a good fit for me
That advocacy was a passion of mine
And I wanted to work as a case worker for those with severe disabilities
I am currently working, as a skills trainer, in a agency that serves
individuals with MR or development disorders...and other co-occurring disorders
Many of the are emotional/Psy issues, consumers with legal/ felon concerns
And other handicaps

Currently I work in a IRA (group home) with 5 MR individuals, three with trauma histories, three with serious visual handicaps (included one individual who is completely blind), one with a pervasive developmental disorder, and two with psy disorders.

However, Sometimes I wonder if earning a licenced clinical MSW is appropriate considering my own psy disabilities.

Innocent until proven guilty

I have an innocent until proven guilty protocol in my garden.
I plant mostly perennials...and quite frankly many look like weeds...and are probably weeds "somewhere." I have pulled my share of "real" flowers.
This year...I have had centurea seed itself in three or fore places. Two places a good distance away.
My forget-me-nots tend to find them selves in the strangest of places.
I have three plants....all a like...that are HUGE!!!! I have no idea what the hell I planted...and where they came from....
I have big two and a half foot plants under my tree. I KNOW I didn't plant them. They are a wild flower of some sort (a weed!!!). I check every day to see if it is in bloom yet. I feel like I am awaiting a verdict.
Today a big ass load of rocks came.... I "got me" 2.25 tons of pea gravel.For my driveway...
I raked and raked and raked today.

Results so far:
Huge "weeds" in back were phlox (natural). They are so pretty.
One weed pulled, wild flower I am not fond of.
The Centurea count is up to four?

The flowers I don't remember planting are still not in bloom

Never learn to fly

Sometimes rational thought overrides instinct....and with reflection, I should have listened to my instinct.

I was outside, hanging with my friend's family. The kids were playing on the swing set, and the toddlers looking for bugs.

Sitting in my chair, I noticed drama in the trees. The little birds fighting the big birds.

Walking towards the fight on the ground...I see a baby bird, which was snatched from the nest.

I wanted to pick the baby up. S/he did not appear injured, just shocked. Then my rational thought overrided. I went to get a towel, so as to not leave my scent (so I can replace the bird to the nest). And as soon as I was two feet away, the blackbird snatched the little one to face its death.

I was not upset with the nature in it's realities of life and death. Bit I was upset at my not listening to my heart.

I should have picked the little one up.
My friends and I have the knowledge to raise it, and set it free. Rehab.
And unlike those who torture wild animals by comforting the dying (like a deer dying on the side of the road). Babies have yet not learned a fear of humans. My friend had raised a few babies like this, and set them free. And they lived happy lives (as they returned year to year and said hello by landing on perches close to their caretakers) and flew way to do birdie things.

Individual to individual (me and the bird). to life.
My questioning my heart, my delayed response causes this little ball of fluff to die.

I feel pretty sad.

adopt your own virtual pet!