Monday, June 30, 2008

Someone found me....

By searching for "I don't wear my fart on my sleeve"


Sunday, June 29, 2008

The lips taste sweet...

I am drinking a potent mix of pragmatic juices, or was that pomegranate? The expiration 6 weeks over due. But I never opened it I dare. Is this sweet juice acidic from the blend of fruit, or is it fermenting on my very tongue?

The flowers in my garden are dominated by the yellow of the diverse strains of blacked eyed susans, and the pink of cosmos. The purple haze of cornflowers are coming, next to the planted shasta daisies mixed with the planted weeds of the same color and family. I have purple clematis kissing the newly planted the moranda (bee balm) is setting to bloom.

My garden is an oasis of color in polluted muck.

I am worried. The waves of bleak anxiety have returned. I was once told they were panic attacks. My consciousness would wash up in the black. Like the rising tide drowning the sand on the shore. Except I cannot decipher a cycle or rhythm to it's madness. It just washes me into the abyss without warning. I fall as if I am being swept away with the current and I cannot breath, nor hear, and hardly see the world around me.

And then it is gone... But with each wave, a part of me has broken off and gone.
If I gasp too long, I may try to cut at the strings. Except those strings may hold me in place.

I assume this is the beginning of depression.

It may be that I may not be able to work as hard, as strong, as most people. All I that I am bone weary tired right now.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Damn...the dog is back.

I am so mad that the dog has been found and returned.
The Siberian Husky next door ran away. For three days.

I am so mad....
I am so mad because I like her alot. She is a good dog.

My neighbors keep her on a very large heavy 8 foot chain. She has a dog house, and a small circle of dirt to call home. The fact that she is chained up outside is somewhat reasonable for a husky. Huskies can jump fences higher than you can believe.
However, if you are going to have a dog, why the fuck would you keep it on a 8 foot chain for 90% of the time? If you are going to have "outside" pets, have an "outside" for them to live in. Like, um, a fucking farm.

If she is lucky, they take her on three walks a week. Maybe.

Typically, I find her surrounded by three days of poop. Until they got tip proof bowls, she usually had no water last summer. She barks whenever her "family" comes outside, in a sad way to get attention. The bitchy wife usually yells at her. The husband ignores her (BUT he does clean up her poop).

I was hoping that the SPCA would find her, and notice her matted hair, and investigate a wee little bit. Encourage the family to, um, maybe do the basics like giver her a bath.

The sad thing is that the dog was the kids' dog. The daughter is in college (she is very sweet to the dog) and the son in the army. Yikes.

Anyways, I sneak into there yard and pet her, and give her treats. Sometimes, I am the only person who filled her water bowl in the middle of a hot summer day.

So... when she ran away, I was hoping she would find a better home.

And this is because I like her alot.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Have you ever felt....

Like maybe you do things that you don't remember, or live a double life that even is hidden from yourself. Dissociation Disorders. While crazier than a loon (not really) in a mental ward, I was giving a crazy diagnosis. One in which given to me by a fool. The doctor who thought that praying to Jesus would have saved all on the unit. With blatant disregard for others rights, when one has so little power. The abuse of power. He was too blinded by his own religious zeal, he had no idea that he hurt so many. He meant well, he really did think he was doing God's work. Except, he wasn't.

So the feelings of crazy.

My dreams are vivid. I dream a lifetime in an evening. The meds. The crazy meds.

I sometimes forget words, and have trouble concentrating at times. Sometimes, I get so distracted I stop talking in mid sentence. I am sometimes in such a blur (concentrating on a task), I wonder if I had conversations in which I was not present to. Anxiety perhaps.

But the fear of having multiple personalities? Is that a new illness? I don't think I am...but when people look at me weird, or if I stumble over words, or if I have weird thoughts....I think I may be more crazy than I know I am.

At my new temp job...I think people may think I am crazy. Am I? or just delusionally anxious?

I don't know.

Crap...I am getting sick...

Funny how I went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago, sick. We made a little deal. If I was not better by Saturday (a week ago), then I would start antibiotics. Well I got better, and I never filled the script. Now...I feel like I am getting sick. If I am getting sick, it would be that awful perfect getting sick a week after getting better from another illness thing. Which may need an antibiotic.

So, if I am sicker tomorrow, maybe I'll get it filled....

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Why is it....

That the more dressed up you are for work...the less dressed you become on your arrival home? I am actually wearing heals to work. Cotton eludes me.

But here at home....shirt with hole in it and fuzzy sweatpants with dirt on them. And doggie breath. I wore the pants yesterday when visiting my dog (who doesn't actually live with me). Just kidding, Cassie is my parents dog. I was visiting them too!!!!

My birdy, Pumpkin, flyed onto my head. She is now almost a sleep on my shoulder. My cockatiels can fly pretty damn good with only one feather!!! Oh...Sweet Pea just landed too. I am now a bird perch.

Now they want my dinner,

My silly mundane life!

Wednesday, June 18, 2008


New job, started today. The life of a temp. I call for a job, in the three hours one is selected. I am "Bob" from accounttemps.
I have been sent to a law firm *****cringe*****
I dreaded starting. I hate new beginnings, and lawyers are just not me.

I am temping at a law firm. I guess it is okay, as it is in an old big pretty house, is on the coolest street (Elmwood near Allentown) in Buffalo. Oh god, of the very few lawyers I know, I am now an employee of one. A local musician I know, also a lawyer. How funny. He looks kind of dorky in a suit.

I still generally dislike law firms. I guess the biggest thing is that lawyers seem to expect staff to lick their butt. I hate how lawyers have paralegals. It is like the doctorate with the associates degree assistant, as if the the difference in a degree make some serf kingdom. I think I have shown the head partner that I am capable (of accounting...I still can't remember any one's name or find the bathroom).

I kind of took a mental step back when I introduced myself as temporary accountant. I was "corrected" and told I was a temporary bookkeeper (the accountants were the people they hired to do the taxes). I can be whatever you want....

But I am an accountant, not a bookkeeper, thank you very much.

Monday, June 16, 2008

A pot of gold?

Today was a two rainbow day! I saw two rainbows!!! They appeared on the dark clouds of a passing storm. I suppose it was only one rainbow. It was there, and it was gone, and returned later.

I am wondering if this means my luck is changing.

I looked in the help wanted ads, and was both excited, and paralyzed with fear. There were many cool positions that were cool, and I was qualified to do. I looked at positions in accounting, social work, and research (data management). My previous career was in accounting/finance, I am currently in Grad school for clinical social work, and I just completed an almost publishable research project (if the program evaluation that we did was in anyway, um....interesting).

The key for me is to try to find a suitable job with my professional skills, without being a professional in charge. I cannot run a department while going to school. Actually, I should not run a department period! Been there, done that...had a nervous breakdown. Seriously. I am certified. I am the new improved medicated bipolar girl! I cannot handle stress very well, yet I got straight A's in my last hellish semester of grad school.

So my hope is to find a job that is....part time? 25-30 hours? Is that possible? I cannot go to school part time and work full time. I can only do the equivalant of one FTE in all of my life obligations. Oh, FTE is accounting talk for "full time equivalant." You will find FTEs in any budget.... giggles.

So...I am trying to find some sort of balance. I need a job. I need health insurance. I need .......something.

Is applying to an accounting job at a mental health clinic like weird or what?



Tis Hail abound. Wicked and wonderful thunderstorms among us today. Dime size hail today, in which I have not seen in years. Quarter size hail on the storm 7 miles north of me, too bad I am missing it.

I love wicked weather. I am back from my northwestern journey. I had a lot of fun. My brother did not annoy me as much as I feared. Well, I think he may be just as annoying, I can just deal with it better. My brother had me on a whirl-of-a-time in Seattle. I went to pike's market and the aquarium. One day we went on a boat ride to Port Friday. Olympia, rainforests, the pacific, the mountains, Portland. Boy, I am tired. My brother took me on the manic tour. Me driving of course. So pretty. I actually loved the rain. I loved the people. AND the dogs!!! People flirted with me! Who would of thought?

I return to Buffalo, sick on an awful red eye. It was an awful plane experience on the way home. I had an aisle seat in the emergency exit wing area. Lots of people love those seats. I would rather have a window seat in the back of the plane. I could not get comfortable, and it was very hot....ick.

I was sick for a few days. Then my favorite...the ALLENTOWN art fest. Allentown is a neighborhood in these parts. I got two things. A glass paperweight and a mirror with a groovy frame.

My garden was in bloom on my arrival home. I missed some of the poppies. But surprises wear everywhere. My garden exploded. My grass had gone to seed. I had to mow it ASAP.

It is good to be home.

Now I have to get a job, get my car fixed, get school stuff done...etc...

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Leaving in a Jet plane...

To seattle to see my brother. My plane leaves in 8 hours and I am not even done eating dinner yet. 6 am flights suck ass.


Perhaps I am getting old or just tired. This week the free concerts downtown started. Yawn! I just cannot get the energy to go to all of the outdoor concerts in the area. I did see the Violent Femes last year, cause how can you miss that?
I do like concerts. But to get out of my comfort zone and travel 10 miles! Giggles. To stand around with people drinking cheap beer. I go to see the music. I am just an old fuddy-duddy. Now if I was in the neighborhood, I would be there in a second. If every other of my friends were going, that would be cool. I am just lazy.
Two years ago I declined a simple subway ride to see Pat Benatar. IT WAS 95 DEGREES OUT!!!. Apparently the crowd was in the 100 thousands. I am glad I passed. Seriously, they have these cute bands playing. I am just getting old.
I think it was the concerts that were a few blocks from my house. On the Erie Canal . I would walk down the three blocks (from my house) to the stage. I saw America , The Psychedelic Furs, Eddie Money, some one-hit wonders. It just started to hate the crowds of people. God I am getting OLD!
Now I will stand in the rain to hear idols. I stood in a pouring rain to see Ani Difranco. I would probably do impossible feats to see PJ Harvey or Amy Winehouse.
But other wise I am just old.
My neighbor and I were taking about our neighborhood teenagers. They are cute punky-goth teenagers with silly pink and green hair. They are the sweetest bunch. As my garage sale proved. A lot of the young families on the street are formally alternative Mom’s and Dad’s with toddlers. It is funny. We like the punk kids around, they scare off the really bad kids! :O)

adopt your own virtual pet!