I am financially exhausted

I am broke

Things that I need to fix:

My mental health!!!!!!
My car (It rattles and I need an oil change)
My leaking upstairs plumbing (I found the leak!!!! That is dissolving my house)
My bathroom tile (Just one- but maybe need to redo all?)

Things I need:

A ton of stones for my driveway (hold off until spring?)
Groceries and household supplies
To pay my dues for the organization I am an officer
Virus scan on PC at home (Yep…expired a month ago)

Gifts I need to buy/make:

Dad’s birthday
Brother’s B-day
Sis-in-Laws B-day
Brother’s new home
Birthday gifts for friends
Gift for leaving assistant
Mom’s B-day coming up

Things I want: (That involve MONEY!!!!!)

Bulbs for fall planting
Stones for garden (Not expensive)
A pedicure (can’t afford)
A massage (I wish-but if I have another back attack-I might just go for it)
A haircut and color (hold off another few weeks)
A day at the spa? (In my fucking dreams)
Belly dancing class (My friends are joining)
Paint- If I have a vacation soon, I can strip wallpaper and paint a room
New shoes (I always want new shoes)
Cable TV for a while
A vacation (A train ride-and short stay to NYC?)

Hm….

I really need to get my car fixed soon (My neighbor is a mechanic!)
Can I get my vanilla ex to fix my plumbing?
And then maybe a hair cut (but dye it myself)
And then the fall bulbs

Yes I am successfully paying my bills

Me....

Yeah…I crashed and burned.
Little stresses,
Meds interacting,
Work stress,
Family stress,
Health stress,
Friendship stress,
Lack of stress.

Whatever.
I crashed.
Nervous breakdown.

I think of how many times
In the last month
I should have been hospitalized.

I just take life
Day to day
Moment to moment
Wondering when the next moment
I will want to end it all….

Don’t worry.
I am in professional hands
On meds, increasing meds
Changing meds
Crazy fucking meds

The worst
Is the dreaded “flat affect”
No emotions
Cannot smile
Cannot cry
Cannot care

I am nowhere to be found
I am a different person
I wear a mask everyday
To hide that there is nothing underneath
As I wait…wait…wait
For my nothingness to be complete

The psychiatrist appointment
Seems so far away
As the psychologist tries
To give me coping skills

I have started abusing
Old pain meds
Just to be able to
Get some relief
Figuring that taking them
One by one
Was better than ten by ten

I should flush them down the toilet,
But they protect me somehow.
I figure if the next time …
The days that it gets worse
(yes those are suicidal thoughts)
If someday I cannot control the urge
I figure the contents of my pharmacy
Would not actually kill me

I live too close to dangerous
Geographical temptations
For an ill mind.

My therapists tells me
It helps to write my thoughts down
Even if they are dark
Dark…dark

So here are some…

Yes, I am under medical supervision.
Yes, this sucks
Yes, I may get better
No, I am not embarrassed
No, I am not ashamed
No, I don’t care what anyone thinks

Is there something in the air?

Everyone I know…
Seemed to have crashed

My one friend is sad
And is going on meds

My other friend has to get off anti-depressants
Her blood pressure is too high.
Withdrawal symptoms are a bitch.
And she may not be able to cope

My other friend had just had a miscarriage,
And now her mom just had serious
Serious, scary, surgery.

My grandmother was just placed in
Assisted living.

And well…
I have not been a happy ray of sunshine

Broken Heart?

I don’t have a broken heart
I have a broken soul.

Just take everything from me

Demote me….
Because my work was one of the few accomplishments
I succeeded at…

Ignore me….
Because remember
I don’t matter anymore

Remind me….
That your issues are bigger than mine

Fire me….
If the work doesn’t get done

Bite me….
Cause that’s how you show your love

Pity me…
Cause I cannot break through the sadness

Shame me…
Cause I want it to hurt

Help me…
Cause I don’t want to die

Be careful for what you wish for…..

I have been demoted

It feels crappy….
Even if it is for the better.

Failure
Letdown
Disappointment
Loser

My father painted it....

I took it from the wall
I brought my selections to the woman

Buying my memories
Buying my inheritance

At the estate sale

As I say goodbye......

I feel like my life
Is at the edge of a cliff

I hesitate as I heal my broken wings
Afraid if I jump
That I will fall

I feel like I live in an aquarium
I can see the great ocean outside
If I swim towards it
I suddenly hit the glass
There are barriers in my life
But I cannot see them
Because I keep seeing through them

Maybe I see the world
Differently because of my perspective
In my little aquarium
Perhaps my little home
Provides me some safety
From certain prey
I do have boundaries
But no one can see them
Not even myself

But like goggles under water
Perhaps I see thing clearer that most
But perhaps I also see certain things distorted
When it rains
And perhaps like talking under water
I sometimes do not hear things quite right…

So now I go back
And look at the world
In my aquarium shell
And wonder if the ocean is that far away

Does anyone read these words?

I’ve been dumped in a blog.
Someone I really care about,
No longer wants to be my friend.

I feel I can say these things…
Because the person does not read my words here.

And it hurts.

And then I wonder…
How many of my words
Hurt other people?

And why do I continue to read the blogs
That I know will cause me hurt?