Me....

Yeah…I crashed and burned.
Little stresses,
Meds interacting,
Work stress,
Family stress,
Health stress,
Friendship stress,
Lack of stress.

Whatever.
I crashed.
Nervous breakdown.

I think of how many times
In the last month
I should have been hospitalized.

I just take life
Day to day
Moment to moment
Wondering when the next moment
I will want to end it all….

Don’t worry.
I am in professional hands
On meds, increasing meds
Changing meds
Crazy fucking meds

The worst
Is the dreaded “flat affect”
No emotions
Cannot smile
Cannot cry
Cannot care

I am nowhere to be found
I am a different person
I wear a mask everyday
To hide that there is nothing underneath
As I wait…wait…wait
For my nothingness to be complete

The psychiatrist appointment
Seems so far away
As the psychologist tries
To give me coping skills

I have started abusing
Old pain meds
Just to be able to
Get some relief
Figuring that taking them
One by one
Was better than ten by ten

I should flush them down the toilet,
But they protect me somehow.
I figure if the next time …
The days that it gets worse
(yes those are suicidal thoughts)
If someday I cannot control the urge
I figure the contents of my pharmacy
Would not actually kill me

I live too close to dangerous
Geographical temptations
For an ill mind.

My therapists tells me
It helps to write my thoughts down
Even if they are dark
Dark…dark

So here are some…

Yes, I am under medical supervision.
Yes, this sucks
Yes, I may get better
No, I am not embarrassed
No, I am not ashamed
No, I don’t care what anyone thinks