I am miserable....

My arms hurt, I am tired, I am crabby, I have homework to do, my head hurts, my heart hurts, I never have fun anymore, I wish this damn crappy school shit will end, I am sick of working at my internship, I am sick of writing termpapers, I am sick of the rain, I am sick of the wind, I am sick of they grey, I am sad and depressed, and just wanted to paint a flower pot the other day.....but NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Haver to go to class, have to go to school, have to go to the doctor's appointment...where nothing ever changes, I hate my meds...those fucking mood stablizers that have stabilized my mood to be low low low. I am on so many fucking drugs an I still have to work REALLY hard to smile. I just wanted to fucking paint a flower pot, or grow a plant, or fucking color a goddam coloring book...I am just so fucking irritable and angry at this life I created...where all I do is work and work and work, and I have $23.56 in the bank...but it doesn't matter because I will just spend money trying to fill my empty heart full of bullshit things liked colored flowerpots and crayons that I don't have the time to do anyway. I am not happy, I am not happy right now. I have not been happy in a long time. I try to smile when the birds outside do silly things or the sun shines for a moment...but I am just fading fading into unhappiness.... and I cannot even cry. And yet my scatic nerve remind me that my body is as broken as my mind. I try so very hard not to hate myself, but the feeling stays. It is funny that I feel like crap because I saw my doctor in the elevator the other day. I am just so fucking tired of not having fun

Don't fence me in!!!!

I admit, I admire winter. I like the white fluffy snow, the coziness of a roaring fire (If only I had a fireplace!)...and cuddling with fluffy blankets...
However, I am cold, I am sick of being cold. It is in teens....and windy. Blah!

So I thought of spring. Today I planted some seeds in those little plastic greenhouses! But most important I thought of my garden, and what I want to do this spring.

I want to finish "fencing" my yard. I have been wanting to put a goldfish pond (the poor woman's Koi). However, I want to make sure my yard is secured before creating such an attraction. It is just not in my nature to put up a chainlink fence. I would LOVE LOVE a wrought iron fence (or it's modern metal equivalent) but I cannot afford it. A picket fence would be nice...but I just have to see what is out there....so I searched creative fences and this is what I found:



cool!



bowling balls?



Lace!



I like this one!



Mardi Gras



fish!



My favorite

huh...

Another exhausting crazy day at my internship. Family meetings, assessments, one health care proxy, one DNR issue, one funny dude....
A few guards, police officers, with prisoners

Followed by an Amish man holding a newborn baby.

There is no hurly hell like sitting at the library, laptop open, writing a paper.
Many a days, I spent in front of a computer, hysterically silent, staring at the monitor.
I wonder what is so magical scary about academic writing
That makes me tremble like a wet cold cat in the dead of winter
It is the procrastinating disease that grips me
I am trying to recover, by sitting here in silence, weeks before it is due…
Will I just broaden my suffering?

Random

Activities and thoughts for the day:

9:00 WTF, a traffic jam at school?
9:00 Late for class, oh good...he did not start yet
12:30 I am hungry, get food. New fancy fresh pasta station in cafeteria. Second try...still a disappointment. Now completely disappointed with the food at the student Union. Had chocolate frozen yogurt for dessert.
1:30 oH GOODY! I read two chapters while dining
1:35 waiting for bus to take me to the other campus
1:50 Pick up Rxs. I had $80 worth of scripts. I have a $10 copay. OMG...what am I going to do when I get out of school?
2:10 On bus.....*gasp* *gasp* what is that smell? Exhaust? Cleaning solution? I cannot breath. I am never sitting in the back of the bus again. *gasp* Gasp* *cough* Cough*
2:30 Awww fresh air...But wtf....I am walking behind a smoker. I need oxygen!!!!!!
3:00 Walk to CVS on campus, buy stuff for my hair. I hate my hair. I just got a new cut, I hate it. My hair looks like a dirty mop. I now have three "Got2B" products...will one work!!! I got a new brush and clips too. I really hate my hair
3:30 I still can't freaking breath.....where is my car? Does walking an acre to your car count as exercise? *gasp*
4:15 Go to eyeglass place to get my glasses bend back into shape. Hey..there is only so much you can drop glasses until they bend. Much better! It was free! and the little old guy who did it called me sweety....giggles
4:30 Dollar stores are dangerous
4:35 FINALLY got a picture taken for a passport...at Rite Aid! Seriously...bad hair, stupid sweatshirt....it is bad!
4:44 OUCH!!!!!! I car door closed on my thumb! How the heck?????? OUCH!!!
4:45 Hm...maybe I should take in more x-mas decorations. We had lots of snow until late last week. A herd of deer are now in my attic. Oh wait...green lights from x-mas for St. Patties Day!
5:30 Oh no, bubbles the fish looks like he is checking out of this cruel world. Oh no...I killed another fish... Make fish tank a pretty shade of blue.
5:30 Laundry...when does it end?

Okay...now I should eat dinner, do more laundry and cite my last paper. UGH!

To sleep, perchance to dream....

Hypersomina...wow

I woke up at 3PM today. I got giddy thinking I could sleep in today...but holy crap. I was hoping to sleep in until 10am...maybe

I had weird ass dreams
Seriously

I am tired and I have a headache now.
And I have a paper due tomorrow
Crap

I thought it was thunder....

Last night...
I thought I heard thunder

In line for coffee...
the man balancing 8 cups
with MEDICAL EXAMINER on his shirt

The phone call during a meeting
...a request for samples
to study

I was late to the hospital
My car coated in ice
...from freezing rain

And the sun shining so bright today

Fear

As I grew older, my fears change. As an example, I have a healthy fear of UNSECURED heights. My fears have become more logically based, perhaps. I have things that I don’t like, but are not true fears. I have a strong dislike for open spaces, like a big field. I am not afraid them, I would just prefer to walk in the woods. However, I am not a huge fan of boating on the great lakes and much as the rivers. But sailing across the ocean…frightens me. Unless it was on a big ship. Not many people think about sailing across the ocean. However, my friend did just that. 45Foot sailboat, helping friends, on the Pacific. They only got 1/3 of the way before trouble. Something broke, and they headed back to MEXICO. I also have a fear of swimming near seaweed. Anyways…
I try to challenge my fears. I have always been afraid of giving blood. There was a blood drive at school. I waltzed in. They took my name and other data, the prick….They have me on the chair, tourniquet on, iodine applied, Vein marked. Then I saw tubes, and someone else’s blood donation. The blood drained from my face. I just told myself to relax. Then I broke into a sweat, my stomach turned, I got dizzy…… Um….I told the tech (who seriously was not very reassuring to the newbie, who stated they were afraid, while she untangled and dangled all the tubes on my legs and body) I didn’t feel so good. She told me to relax, yesh….. I did not pass out, because they quickly tiled my head back and gave me juice. I was shaking. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, and wimpy. I guess I am still afraid to give blood. Thankfully I have an uncommon/not much in need blood type (B+). But I feel like such a dork. I am too much of a wimp to give blood.

Ouch!

Pulled muscle...back hurts....blah

Oh lord...

Due to my crappy student health insurance, I go to the psychiatrist at school. I really like the guy! As part of this "perk," I need to go to a councelor at the school. Last sememster I went to group counseling. It was okay.
Anyways, I want to try individual this time. A new perspective, perhaps. Anyways, out of 15 "therapists"..... Half being licenced professionals, and half being students.... they assign me to a student. A student of what I have no idea.... And that concerns me. Four student are in my graduate program, two of them I have worked on a research project with!

Anyways, I have been assigned a graduate assistant. In what field? I have no idea. I hope it is with someone who has at least had as much clinical education as I have. In other words, if it is someone who just graduated with their BS in psychology, I would be peeved. I would say that I hoped to be just annoyed...but I am entitled to at least a fucking grad student.
Seriously....
It is bad enough that a few of my classmates can read my file....

God I hope this is not a disaster!

And for the record.....I have continued to see my "real" therapist

Glass houses...

Have you ever got really annoyed at system...and realize that you are part of the problem? Or have you ever got annoyed at someone, and realize you do the same thing?

I've been getting annoyed and burned out...on the idea of being a social worker. It seems that in my fieldplacement and in my studies, and even in my friendships...we talk about our the crappy part of social work. At my internship I have been become very bitter about certain cases. The kind of issues in which the best case options are often dissmil. It is the family member that threatens physical violence to the staff. The very sick patient who has run out of benefits. The people who want to be placed at the ritzy nursing homes (that will cost $100K out of pocket-thank you very much), with medicaid.

It is the seriously mental ill patient with the crack addiction who gets bounced from ER, to assertive community treatment, to mental health court, to jail, to discharge with family members who steal their ssi check. It is a team of highly effective compassionate providers who can help. if only the patient lets them. It is the assertive community treatment team with no power. You know the only power honored by many MICA clients, are the ones with the payee...

It is the friend who tells me about the "ethical case" at work, with the healthcare proxy withholding care for a non-terminal illness. It just does not make sense.
The doctors, the nurses, the administrators are all in disbelief. It is one of those cases.

These things just make me so frazzled.

When I come across these things...I get so mad!!! I raise my voice, get fustrated, and get stressed. And then I take a breath, smile, and act like the good little social worker.

I am not sure if this good for my health