Friday, February 27, 2009

I am miserable....

My arms hurt, I am tired, I am crabby, I have homework to do, my head hurts, my heart hurts, I never have fun anymore, I wish this damn crappy school shit will end, I am sick of working at my internship, I am sick of writing termpapers, I am sick of the rain, I am sick of the wind, I am sick of they grey, I am sad and depressed, and just wanted to paint a flower pot the other day.....but NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Haver to go to class, have to go to school, have to go to the doctor's appointment...where nothing ever changes, I hate my meds...those fucking mood stablizers that have stabilized my mood to be low low low. I am on so many fucking drugs an I still have to work REALLY hard to smile. I just wanted to fucking paint a flower pot, or grow a plant, or fucking color a goddam coloring book...I am just so fucking irritable and angry at this life I created...where all I do is work and work and work, and I have $23.56 in the bank...but it doesn't matter because I will just spend money trying to fill my empty heart full of bullshit things liked colored flowerpots and crayons that I don't have the time to do anyway. I am not happy, I am not happy right now. I have not been happy in a long time. I try to smile when the birds outside do silly things or the sun shines for a moment...but I am just fading fading into unhappiness.... and I cannot even cry. And yet my scatic nerve remind me that my body is as broken as my mind. I try so very hard not to hate myself, but the feeling stays. It is funny that I feel like crap because I saw my doctor in the elevator the other day. I am just so fucking tired of not having fun


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