Friday, December 07, 2007

You know


Today I was thinking how much more well I am
Than seasons of past
I got a package today
(I started ebaying for vintage reindeer)
And I took out the X-acto
To open the package
And I thought it has been a while since....
That I felt that hurting myself felt so alien to me now

And I thought of how very fat, fatter fast
That the drugs have made me
And I thought of my internship
And thought I was sicker than many of those I "treat"

And I thought that I may not have my internship much longer
If I flunk out of school
And what the fuck was I going to do
And what the fuck am I doing now?

I nearly had a panic attack yesterday
About my arm, nearly delusional
That it was broken
And I realized that I had to ask someone else
If my hand was indeed swelled up
And it is...and has a swollen look

I went to my primary
Cause I was so freaked out
And he, the most patient man of all
Was getting fustrated with me
And I just felt shame

I could easily stayed in bed today
But I went into my internship
And suddenly found myself
running a MICA group with 16 people
by myself
With crying veteran men

And I just think I am too crazy for this gig
I cannot concentrate on my school work anymore

I have a paper, long, due on monday
And I can only type with 1.5 hands

Today I nearly strangled a worker
at the VA who could not seem to understand
That I could not write with a pen
I did most of the EMR charting
Cause I could type
But I told her like three times that...
to write something down
"I don't have good handwriting"
I CANNOT FUCKING WRITE AT ALL!!!!
Funny how I could type notes faster with one hand then she could think

Then I thought of the pain scale
I was thinking
That my back pain can get pretty high
Where I had gasped
When I tried to stand when I could not

But my arm pain....
is different
I would say it was maybe a 4
but it is grating...constant
numbing, uncomfortable
and a reminder that I cannot do shit
It almost feels like a needle
would relieve the pressure some how
And It itches
It is not high on the pain
But somehow makes me so weak

I came how from my internship
With bags under my eyes
That were down to my knees

People get sick of you after awhile
If you keep asking them to do things
Like carrying a can of pop
Cause you only have one hand

My fucking arm hurts
I have shit to do
and I am crazy

Sums it up
I am going to take some narcotics now
But I am so dizzy

But I have five stars and a ball

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