Saturday, May 02, 2009

My mother is very sick in the hospital. She has just been diagnosed with cancer. It is most likely stage IV. It is not a good prognosis. Right now I am struggling with the chore of being the healthcare proxy, despite being the youngest, and keeping my out of town family informed.
Right now I plan my life in terms of minutes, hours, days…instead of months or years. I was not taken by surprise, as I have sat hopelessly begging my mom to see a doctor for months…years. My brothers who live out of town are stunned.
I have not cried so much in my life; however, I remained pretty strong. Yet there is only so much I can do over the phone. And my friends watched as my family crumbled around me, my brothers not allowing me a moment to breathe. One of my brothers is flying in tonight. Thank god, because I could not tell him everything was going to be okay, even if my mom is considered “stable.”
It is so acutely painful to see my mom this sick. I cannot describe it. I have never experienced this kind of grief. It is like the little girl inside me can only repeat over and over “I want my mommy.”
My family and I have always considered ourselves agnostic. However, if anyone has any ritual or prayer….
Actually, please take a moment. If you have been stressed out about the economy, working too hard, or even graduating…. Please remember, that it does not really matter as much as your loved ones. Please give you mother. Father, significant others, children and friends a very big hug.


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