The Klonopin won...

Okay…I am not coping very well
I am debating the pros and cons…
Of taking a chill pill
A 0.5 mg of clonazepam
Properly prescribed and all of that

See….I haven’t been feeling all that well
Oh…wait…..if you have been reading my blog
You may know that
And just a reminder…that
I spill my little emotional beans here
As not to drag down my friends and family

I went to the psychiatrist
She is upping everything
When I was taking my little
Mental vacation on the impatient ward
(In August)
They, or I should say, the “pray to Jesus” doctor,
Lowered all my drugs…to put me on a new one
Sort of like a see-saw….less of this…more of that
Anyways…
My real psychiatrist upped everything back to normal
Plus upped the new drug
So yeah….I am very medicated
Will be very very medicated
As in….I know people who have had ECT
Who are on less meds

So I have a 5 page paper due
Tomorrow in 22 hours, 6PM
I have to sleep, and make classes and appointments tomorrow
So I reckon…I need to finish it tonight
Thankfully I can sleep in tomorrow
And I do better work at night

I hate this
I hate this assignment
I really hate this instructor's teaching habits
(I don’t hate her)

The assignment is to analysis a family
Using system theory
From a novel (actually bibliography)
And to provide a therapeutic model
(Or something…I am not clear on that yet)
****bang bang bang bang*****
(Head against wall-not really…this time)

THANK GOD I READ THE BOOK

So now I should make a geno gram of something
And hope I can remember everyone’s name
And how I may have to search through the book

Then I have to review all of the system theory stuff
And then provide a family therapy prospective

Except one little problem
I am just learning how to “engage the individual”
In my interventions methods class
And now she wants a family therapy service plan?
Wait…is that what she wants? Gosh I am so confused

So I after getting this off my chest…
Do I feel better?

Hmmmm

My insides are still jittery
I feel kind of like this emptiness
Biological chasm breaking inside me

Yep….I am having a nervous breakdown

But Ironically…
Perhaps I can prevent my nervous breakdown
By focusing on this fucking paper
Instead of all my inner freaky feelings

Yeah?

This is not fun
I would not wish this on anyone
New disease
Still figuring out all these drugs

Klonopin?
Should I take some?
Will I get a wasted,
Or will I become calm enough to type?

Hm…I can always
Slice a long deep… dark
Crater in my arm
Then I can go to the hospital
And get contained for three weeks
And end up with a nasty scar
And increase the possibility that:

a) I might bleed to death and die
b) Be involuntarily contained for months (or years)
c) And begun on ECT treatments
d) Both a) and b) and d) resulting in me flunking out of school, loosing my house, my independence, my sanity (or wait…never mind)


I AM NOT PLANNING ON DOING THIS

I am just getting out the sort of thoughts that come together in a disturbed mind like mine.

I am biologically raw. It would make sense as the drug levels from the dose decrease may have hit me….
And I am completely stressed out
Under normal circumstances
My classmates are beginning to drool at the mouth as well

Deep breath

The Klonopin….
But I am tired

The Klonopin
The paper
The Klonopin
The paper
The Klonopin
The paper
The Klonopin
The paper……..