Deep breath

I am experiencing what may be considered Suicidal idealization.
I really need to cry, and I cannot cry. I don't know why I want to cry, but I feel that the world is light years away. I have a feeling of loneliness superimposed on my paralysis and fear of picking up the phone. I don't think I ever gotten better. Lot so of drugs, lots of drug changes...School work, work stress, life stress, sadness.

Yesterday, I had an image of swallowing seed after seed. The beautiful seeds of the highly toxic plant. With it's beautiful leaves fading in the fall. The seeds about to rupture from their ovary, the stockpile I thankfully hid from myself. A sick mind I have.

I have the sudden urge to hammer my leg into a bloody bruise.
These thoughts sicken me...to think of them. But here they are.
I will hope this sputtering of vial, will irradiate this poison from my heart.

I will now busy myself with laundry and school work. And a movie if I am good.