Thursday, June 21, 2007

All in my head?


Believe it or not, my recent journey has been a fight for life
A fight for clarity, a fight for peace and a fight for, perhaps, happiness

I have not always been like this
Some long term friends have been worried
That their emotional rock has turned to pudding
There have been times in my past
When things were difficult
But not this difficult.

I have endured things in the past
Significant trauma as a young adult
Overlaid upon a less than strong upbringing
Born with a sensitive temperament
Countered by a strength endured
From overcoming a documented case of PTSD

I recognized the genetic risks
That strongly seasoned my family
From both sides
And with that came creativity
And intelligence
And a amusing collection
Of close relatives that span the great spectrum
Of social, economic and academic diversity

I felt the mental kindling begin
Two years ago
I sought out the appropriate medical care
To enter into a spiral of frustration
That only be created by managed care
As only parts of me examined
By ignoring the whole

By psychotherapy-izing the Axis I
And medicating the Axis II
That “magically” appeared
At an age that most PD’s begin to fade

By treating the bursitis, sprains
Spondylolisthesis, and carpal tunnel
And wonder why I cannot get out of bed sometimes
And lets pretend that my irregular menses
That ranges from eight weeks to eight months
Is completely normal
As my PMS reaches psychotic levels
As all of my somatic complaints
As attributed to my “borderline” diagnosis


I do not doubt my bipolar II diagnosis
I am not denying my cluster B maladaptive behavior
That surfaces when faced with significant external stress
As I have always recognized. And joked about, my “issues.”

But do psychosomatic symptoms
Wake someone from a deep sleep?
Can my mental illness cause my uteral dysfunction?Did I also tell you about my hypoglycemia (65 after eating a meal?)
Low blood pressure, obesity and asthma?

My psychiatrist finally urged me to go to an endocrinologist
And agreed that the my high dose of psychotropic medications
Should have really taken care of some of my somatic complaints

I do not want to be in pain anymore
I am not a drug seeker
(Surprisingly. As my mother is a raging alcoholic)
Which can be proven by my stake of unfilled benzo RXs?
And my collection of unopened bottles of wine
Any drugs I may seek may only be a steroid injection or two
(This is significant when considering my fear of needles)

So I have an appointment with my doctor soon
Perhaps I can have basic hypothalamic, Pituitary, and thyroid tests.
And maybe I can ask for a rheumatoid test or two for shits and giggles
Oh wait….I am a hypochondriac
So this must be all in my head

1 Comments:

Blogger Sarebear said...

Wow.

5:41 AM  

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