Thursday, April 10, 2008

Nervous Breakdown....

I bet I am just crazy after all.
I went to the doctor and got some blood tests. I haven't heard back yet. But I bet they were just symptoms of my forever somatic symptoms of anxiety and depression. Depression and anxiety have hit me on the head with a big ASS log. I stayed up to late trying to get a paper done, and then went to my internship. And then went home, cracked up, went to bed, and now I am here. I stayed up to do a paper, and I still have not submitted it two days later. Then I think, what the hell am I doing this for? Is this just a stupid idea? I mean, I am bipolarly nuts, and I am trying to become an MSW. What the fuck was I thinking?
I am of course, try to steady the course, to finish the last two weeks of this semester hell. Then I have a summer to rethink my life. I registered to be a full time student in the fall, but I am pretty sure I am going to drop to part-time. I need a job, and perhaps a purpose. I am not likely to quit the social work thing and become a botanist (although I thought of it!) but I just need to reassess and figure out what it is that I should do. And I am thinking that maybe I should not be doing anything. I just need to wrestle with my illness, my pride, capabilities, and paying my mortgage. Getting a job with health insurance is #1. Figuring out what to do about school is another. Figuring out how to deal with my mental illness is still another. This full time school was way way too much for me. I think I was able to do it, because I knew so much of the material already. I didn't start from the bottom. There is even a class in which I probably know more than the prof. So I didn't have so much background reading to do. And I know that I will not be able to work as a full time MSW. I don't think I am stable enough. When I am at my internship, I fake it sometimes, and I do okay at that. But the work work part of social work is a drag. Like writing clinical notes. I know I do okay, but it is so stressful for me.
I don't know. I really miss numbers. I think I would rather work on excel than write case notes. Perhaps I can get a job as a research assistant.
I am just so confused. I don't want my "career" to be my identity. I just want to take a step back. But I have a hard time taking orders from people, well, stupid orders from people. I need to know "why?" I recently worked in retail and a residential aide. I really hate it when someone tells me how to cook broccoli or something. However, I think I can be a good assistant to a professional. It is a big difference between being a controller for an organization to being in retail of aide level work. I need to find something in the middle. I think my health and my pride demand on it.

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