Monday, September 29, 2008

So what am I suppose to do?

What is wrong with me?

I have been not feeling great.
Can't sleep, the beginnings of depression, and I cannot concentrate.
My therapist is in agreement that things are getting worse.

So I have new health insurance
Student insurance, which is shitty insurance
So I had my first visit with my new Psychiatrist

I was nervous, very nervous.
I told him my mental health history
And the various diagnoses I have had:
dythemia, major depression, bipolar II, Borderline personality disorder, dissociative disorder NOS.

Am I bipolar? maybe. I am certainly fucking depressed alot of the times.
My Dad is bipolar. When my atheist dad decided one day that Jesus magically made dinner and looked to the sky with glee to tahnk him for all of the green lights on the way from the grocery store.......There is no question of diagnosis there.

Yeah, my dad had a psychotic manic moment. He is fine now, really.

Have I ever been manic? No. hypomanic? Yes. Who has not been hypomanic at some point? Okay, so maybe my hypomanic moments involved some fully nude naked Canadian strippers... that may sound hypomanic to many people, me? I am not so sure.

So the Doctor saw my history, my med list, and my complaints (cannot sleep) and told me he thought I was on a cocktail of meds that were not really indicated. He said that the mood stabler I was on wasn't very effective for bipolar II so it might not be doing anything. I have seriously wondered why the hell I was on this drug (I did not see a benefit) However, I have read alot that said it was the drug of choice for bipolar II.

He was not going to change my meds because he just met me. He told me I should stop drinking caffiene and exercise more (very reasonable). And if I have suicidal thoughts, to try to not obsess over them. (are you kidding me?)

So...what do I do with this?
What is wrong with me?
Am I unipolar, bipolar, or just fucked up?
If these drugs are not right for me (I agree, I totally agree)
Why am I still taking them?
And again, why have I gone to all this therapy, taken drugs, and...

end up always depressed? I am not complaining about being sad, but thinking about sticking a gun in my mouth is shooting is a really crappy thought to start your day with! (no, I ma not actively suicidal right now, no worries).

Basically, I have been given my prescriptions, and told to make an appointment some time between one month and two. (don't hit your ass on the door on your way out?)

Seriously, The doctor was very smart and reasonable and he did tell me to call him if I needed to.

But....it still just make me kind of lost.
I actually feel worse now than I have had in a long time.

It just seems hopeless.
This just made me really very sad.

I feel like I have been rejected by a mental health professional for the upteeth time. I just felt like he showed me a carrot and just hid it away.

I feel like....shit

I just feel like shit

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