Sunday, September 02, 2007

Mixed State? Or just life?


I am not sleeping very well
I get up three or four times in the night
Hungry, like I haven’t eaten in days
In pain, sometimes, but I have drugs for that now
Or just for no reason at all
I have been taken potent drugs
That should make me sleep
While I was in the hospital
I was awake all night
After taking a dose of Ambien
At least I slept for 24 hours straight
On a few pills of Geodon

I have been moody, beyond my prior experiences
Of what I feel, and how I feel it
I have been quick to anger
And have experienced rage
Beyond what I thought was capable
I had to keep myself in check
Before screaming at people
For minor annoyances

I have also been crying
Almost for a whole afternoon
And even hit the levels of hysterics
I called my therapist
And I don’t think he ever heard me cry

I am afraid I have become irritably hypomanic
…a mixed state perhaps?
They did drop my meds in half
Two weeks ago
Seems as if I may be feeling it now
Too much caffeine?
Not enough Klonopin
You know you are anxious
If you can take Klonopin
Just to feel normal

I have a psychiatrist
(The doctor who is kicking me out)
Appointment on Tuesday
Hopefully she will be okay
With making a dosage change
If I have an appointment set up
With someone else
Did I tell you?
My psychiatrist kicked me out of her practice
She said I needed a higher level of care
That I should go to a clinic
She thought I needed a case worker
So I had an appointment
With a clinic
And found out quickly
That they would give me less care
Than I have been getting
Instead of seeing a private psychiatrist
Every three weeks (to two months)
I would see one every three months
Instead of therapy once a week
I would be lucky to see someone twice a month
A case worker?
Huh….I am too high functioning

I have been in the hospital twice
And referred to intensive outpatient treatment
And to go to my first appointment
And be considered a model of health

Anyways, I told my therapist
There was no way
I was ready to terminate our relationship
Being so fragile
For nothing
He encourage me to stay
To find another doctor
Before my psychiatrist sent me to the clinic
He worked in the clinics
I guess he knew what would happen
He referred me to another doctor
Told me to just get in for an appointment
And he said he would call
And talk to the doctor
And be able to move me up

So the doctor who is kicking me out…
I thought I would give her the application
For the county mental health services
The applications for ACT and ICM
If that is what she thinks I need
ACT is assertive community (outpatient) treatment
Which is basically mandated treatment
And the ICM is intensive case management
I am not willing to pay copay
For someone to tell me to take my meds
I take my meds, and usually request more
If she applies through the county
Than it is not my responsibility
If she wants to remove herself from liability
Then this would be the best thing for her
Maybe it might have benefit to me
Maybe if I felt suicidal, I could call the local hotline
And someone may take me seriously
(I was laughed at the day I was admitted)
Someone needs to train these people
That the people truly in danger to themselves
May not be able to cry

Anyways, I am frustrated
I can see that my meds are not working
And I have to sit here an manage things myself
Maybe I’ll take a Klonopin
That sometimes helps

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