Sunday, November 25, 2007

I suck....


I did not accomplish anything on my paper. At all. I organized all my school papers, and did laundry, and spent all of time staring at a computer screen with no idea where to start. My lungs hurt...so of course I had to spend an hour searching on line to see if I was going to die....I mean what the early signs up a bad asthma attack. I know that my asthma is not being managed well right now.....but I am sure it can wait until Monday when I call the Dr.

Then I freaked about all of the money on spent on presents. And I just got over it.

And then I stared at my computer screen.

I printed out the exam, and found the papers I need to rewrite. Yep.

I basically tortured myself today, with no result. If I was going to be thing non-productive, I should of watched a movie, read a book, crochet a scarf.....etc.
Instead I just thought about how much I hate doing the assignments. I just hate it...And I don't know if I can handle another 3 semesters. I might fail. And then I start having bad feelings about myself (hello bipolar/BPD).

And I want to die...

I wished that was just an expression.

So when I "blow" off an assignment cause it was driving me nuts, it was driving me nuts...really nuts. I have severe paper anxiety...and anxiety GAD...and well....it is not good. So I sometimes get that M.I.T. college student stress...and then I do the follow:

I got to bed.

I am so so so much better than I have. I am on ALOT of drugs. 300mg Effexor, 200mg Lamictal, um.... 100mg Seroquel. The Seroquel has helped alot. Which to me indicates.....I am f*cking nuts.
A year ago....I made the mistake of taking some really -nice- drugs to OD on...Loretab..and Soma. Yeah...it was a great little buzz.... The buzz was not exactly what was on my mind at the time. I will always remember the sight of Charcoal...
I guess the second time I got my math wrong...wrong dose...underestimated by 10X. Damn

Yes...so these are maladaptive behaviors and thoughts....and they creep in sometimes. So when I say...I can't deal anymore, I really cannot deal anymore. It is not the anxiety of tests and papers that do this...it is what they trigger. I have triggers everywhere. Feeling shame is a big trigger, and shame is everywhere, including at the start of a academic flunk-fest.

So yes...
I am taking my Seroquel and going to bed....

Good night
(I should of put my decorations up)

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