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The red tent of sadness

Wow, my hormones really affect my moods. Like most women get grouchy once a month...I want to fillet pieces of my arm and swallow potent drugs like skittles. I was like this last month. I think my hormones need to go away. ugh... Today was not awful but I had some annoyances.... like someone I know walked into the coffeeshop I was sitting in, looked at me and walked out. It was someone I kind of work with, so In some ways I can un derstand, you may just want to not deal with stuff... but seriously! I was rejected... Someone did not even want to sit in the same room as me.... thank you world

Why?

Why did I pick THAT person out of the sea of those wandering in the room?
Certainly not the most disabled, certainly not the most impaired…
Many that I see are under the care of group homes, supportive housing, may even be living at the state hospital….
Nor is it simply symptoms
I know many that can never live a day without the voices, who are marked by the cruel mask of tardive dyskinesia.
Why did I call Crisis Services for her??? Why did I write a safety contract for him?
Where they homicidal, suicidal? I am not exactly sure…. Someone even looked like they were having the time of their life….giggling away like a school girl.
Was it because one person was homeless?
No, I serve many who are homeless. But the chronically homeless often have the sense to survive. They know which shelters have the most comfortable beds, and they know they chose from a list of menus each day.
Would I have noticed that person in a crowd, that something was not quite right?
No…probably not
But with a trained eye….. I can see the liability, confusion, the misplaced laughter, the articulate conversation laden with delusions, the unspoken request for help, and the vulnerability of an individual in a world full of stigma.
But why did I make a safety contract for THAT person?
Why did I call Crisis Service for THAT person?
WHY did I say goodbye to THAT person, like it was any other day?
Because I am a SOCIAL WORKER! I am not a doctor, I am not a psychologist, nor am I just another mental health professional. I am a social worker
A crisis is an individual experience. It is not defined by symptoms, it is not defined by the struggles of poverty, and it is not defined by what events occur in that little “therapeutic “room….
It is all of these things. It is a sense of helplessness that makes one very vulnerable It is symptoms, it is a lack of support system, and it is the environment, the season and lack of safe shelter. Perhaps it is the inability to perceive of what is a safe shelter. It may be the amount of cash in one’s pocket, or the vultures that surround them… I look not to a point in time, but the calculus of 10 or more variable. It is a danger zone that makes it a
CRISIS
And today I hope that those people are now safe.

wtf....seriously....wtf

My boss needs an intervention. Today I had a disagreement with my boss. He said I should of "handled" a client a certain way. I disagreed with him, and had a degree, a huge body of empirical knowledge, and a fucking brain to tell me that I was right. I was also being scolded. I very nicely told him to fuck off (I wish). I told him very patiently and softly that I thought it was better to handle it the way I did. I basically had to put my foot down and tell my boss that I was a trained master's level social worker and although I am not working in that role, I am still binded by a code of ethics.... blah blah blah. I made it very clear that I was not in a clinical role, I am not practicing in a proffessional capicity. I used the example of being a mandated reporter. I doubt that this sort of thing would ever be in conflict.... but if a "customer" ever told me he was beating his kids...I would HAVE to report it...no matter what HE (my boss) thought. I really scolded my boss in a passive non-confrontational way. And assured him that OF COURSE I would tell him and keep him informed.... Seriously...during this conversation my boss whined..."you were hired to be peer...not a clinician." I reminded him that I was a peer first. And seriously...I treat the clients like a peer (maybe to exception of those who need a lot more assistance or with greater needs and disabiltiies). Anyways...
Of course I packaged my angst in a pretty box of bows and sparkles and got my point across without be threatening.

But then...

I really love having to clean up the emotional mess my boss created yesterday.

Fuck me...fuck my job

Today, I left work with a bad taste in my mouth

I am working in a position that is significantly under my capabilities as far as education and experience. I am certainly not saying that I could actually DO the job better than most. I actually forget to do a lot of the simple things…like collecting sign-in sheets. There are parts of the job I really dread…like being responsible for the cleaning of the building. However, I spend an awful lot of time observing, thinking about, and dealing with “customer*” behavior. I spend and awful lot of time trying to diffuse toxic interactions and absorbing an incredible amount of individuals’ “ventilation.”
I walked into an agency location that experienced the loss of two popular staff members. In addition, the agencies state funding has changed…forcing the program to change. The staff and the individuals that are served are frankly…stressed. However, today I began to feel the heat.
I spent a lot of time today working behind the scene providing therapeutic support to certain individuals. I have also tried to manage and excel at creating order from a series of contradictory and opposing bits of information. I solve many jigsaw puzzles (with many missing pieces) and then allow others to believe that the solutions were there for all to see.
Well….
Today, I had two specific interactions with my boss that made me really unhappy.
I applied for the open site manager position. I not only have a master’s degree relating to the field in which I work, but I have also held management positions at a larger organization with significantly more experience. In other words, I am both over qualified for the job I have, but the job I sought. Anyways, my boss told me I probably NOT get the job because…I am new and still on probation. Okay… I can understand that there may be other individuals at the agency who have “put in their time.” I get it. But seriously….. I can name a few people who I would be more than happy to see in the position. And I would be happy to work for them and with them. I have no idea what will happen. But I fear that it may not go well.
I was also asked to be present for a meeting with a couple of individuals involving troubling behavior. Frankly, I was troubled by the facilitator’s behavior. Thankfully, the facilitator had a relationship with the individuals…but fucking Christ…. I don’t appreciate being associated with this shit. I felt like I had to continually redirect the conversation for the safety of all present. I realize that many self-help and peer organizations have “issues” with clinical interventions. But fuck, I am a professional and a peer. Believe it or not there is a skill set I have gained from a master’s in social work. … I guess what I am saying…. Is that this job, as in stands, may not be a good fit for me.
However, I do not have the energy to look elsewhere...and well……I got my own issues….

Haiku

It snowed lots today
In big white and fluffy flakes
I am now sleepy

Tired.....

I am sleepy
I have a new job
A job!

Reject me

I went on a date yesterday. The first date in two years. Flirting on-line, he called me, we had dinner. We had deep conversations. I gave him a thank you txt (hey! this is 2009). I got the "it was nice to meet you...but" response. It hurts. This is not a heartbreak... I don't even know the guy...but seriously. It is like dating and job hunting are some of the few ways in which it is socially accept to reject someone. Not a good fit, not pretty enough, not good enough, not smart enough, not good, not not not.... This week has been the week of rejection. Shitty job interview, my dad being super critical of me, I even had people bad mouth my descriptions on my ebay listings. Seriously. People talk about a fear of rejection. I don't have a fear of rejection...I am dealing with rejection! It is just that so much in my life is crap, that a little rejection feels like an anvil. I have fighting depression, grief, unemployment, health issues.... And I have been trying to fight these awful battles...and it's like....fuck me. I have been going to physical therapy...working hard...and FUCK!!! My back gives out. I have tried to bake my mother's cookies for x-mas, and they are not good enough. I have gone on interview and interview......

just fuck me, fuck me and my life.
I am sad and hurt and angry and sad.


Just as I have rejection placed upon me from various directions. I have other pressure that sounds like an Obama speech. "YES YO CAN!" Just do it! all of these motivation speechs about how I am capable of doing so much more than I am doing. The pressure to apply for jobs that I don't feel I have the energy to do. And if I do, I don't get the job anyways. Or...someone encourages me to start dating.
And I do....I put myself out there... And I get rejected 2 hours after my first date.

It is not really about the date. It is just the last bitter pill to take after being yelled "next" after the 10th audition in a row. You try not to take it personally, but you know you skin in not as thick as everyone around you.

"Toughen up" They say...
but
they forget that the only way is to build up a wall...and hide under a shell
Become wooden...so the soul will not get knocked down

Path update....

Here is the completed path....

Did I take my medicine?

Seriously? I don’t remember…..no….maybe? My life dilemma. I know I should get a pill case thingy…but…but...but…. I had a few cool ones and they kept breaking.
Anyways. I am still unemployed, and rather deflated about it all. I have decided to apply to take the exam and spend the holiday season focused on that. I am still looking… My resume is decent, but my interviews have been less than stellar. Most likely because I have not found a good fit for me. Also, frankly, I don’t match my resume. My resume paints a picture of a young professional who wears suits every day. The reality is I am frumpy hippy type Creative freethinker in desperate need of a hair cut (and color). My hair color is off (I tried to lighten my hair so they grey wasn’t so noticeable)…and my hair looks…fried (as a teenager, I often complained of this). My hair is getting very very gray…. I may be completely grey by the time I am 40. I need a date at the hair salon soon!
My Dad and I have been watching the A+E show “hoarders.” My dad is worried about me…. It makes my dad crazy that I use my dining room table to organize my projects… And he thinks I have too much stuff. I have no precious moment’s collections… but I do have “stuff.” I have a few random collections…50’s x-mas angels, a box of rescued embroidered dollies, and a mountain of craft supplies. My dad however…has junk. Ten or so years ago, I cleaned his garage and throughout his junk. I still tease him about the 15 year old visor from a car he was saving…for what? We have been teasing each other…I agreed to clean his garage again… I am selling stuff on e-bay…..I made $30 so far…whippy
Anyways…
Off to finish my eBay postings, my exam application, and other nonsense…then on to the outside x-mas decorations….