I can be happy…

When I am happy.
I can plant happiness everywhere
I give little gifts of joy
To everyone I see
My smiles are genuine
People like me
Animals like me
Plants seem to bloom for me
(okay not really…but my garden is really pretty)
I weave beauty in my hands
And sadness I can even paint in contrast

My skills have no power here
I borrowed superwoman under-roos
But I have been given a dose a kryptonite.

I wonder.....

If the words I write
Depress others…
I have been suffering…
The word suffering seems too strong
Suffering is endless pain, starvation, war, grief
I have not suffered.
I have been inflicted?
Either way…I have been depressed
I haven’t been able to snap out of it
I think it has been the physical pain
The endless supply of work stress
Friendships in peril
Observing ex-lovers in love with others
Rejection in dating
Gaining weight
Money problems
Meds interacting?

But I have been falling into a hole
And found myself looking at the sky
As the mud and dirt surrounded me
Realizing I would soon be buried alive

It is funny how the simplest things exhaust me
Funny how much time I just stared at the walls
How much nothing affected me
Nearly impossible to feel joy at anything

I knew I was falling into the hole
When I would be happy and doing happy things
And I would just feel an awful dread.
Just taking over
The blackness came from nowhere
And would quickly overtake me

And then negative words and small rejections
Felt like arrows and bombs
Like I walked around with no protection
No armor in the world
I fell deeper

And then I broke
And crashed
And had felt like there were a constant pain in my heart
I felt like if I were stabbed…I would not feel it for the pain already there
And felt imagery of being hung by a rope
And wondered how many pills would make the pain go away

Yeah….it was fucked up

The pain finally registered on my face
I started to become irritable
My coworkers started to intervene

I was depressed…
On antidepressants
So I felt…..crazy
I called my doctor
He increased my dose

And he is making me go to a shrink

So I increased my meds
I feel a bit better just from my ability
To crawl out of the deepest hole myself

I am sure the increase in meds will not really have an effect
For a couple of more days

I am still exhausted
I still have the hardest time getting out of bed
Accomplishing anything
I am not quite so sad
But I have not felt joy

But….
I know I will get better

So…yeah
This is what crazy looks like

Sometimes.....

I should keep my thoughts to myself....

It would be tragic......

To confuse the end
As a beginning

To hide beauty with sadness
And the truth with stains

To confuse love with indifference
To see acceptance as scorn

To see death as peace

Who is to blame?

People like to believe the world is just...
That the world is right....

And it is not

It just is....

And good people get hurt.

Logic

I sometimes feel like pure emotion
But I am not....

My brain has taken over.

My heart cannot take this feeling of nothingness anymore...

My brain has taken over.

My heart does not want me to get out of bed in the morning...

My brain has taken over.

My heart wants to leap over a bridge

My brain has taken over.

This is what depression looks like
This is what mental illness looks like
This is not fun...

But my brain has taken over.

My heart wants to quit...
My brain calls the doctor.

My brain is stronger here.
My brain has won.

I am Broken

I do not have a broken heart
I have a broken soul...

Nothing
I feel like nothing
And everything black

Walk over the bridge

I have always been scared
Afraid I could never go back
Worried that it will crumble underneath me
And I will be stuck in a foreign land

And as I take the first steps
I realize that I walk away
From all of it

Camping

Misery…

Being annoyed
Being annoying
A monsoon
Being hot
Being cold
Worrying about bears
Puke on my shirt
A river through the camp site

Happiness…

Is a hot tub
A furry blanket
Cute little raccoons
Campfire
Cooking on the campfire like bad-asses
Pizza
A cool diner
Shopping

I have no idea…

Why I suddenly feel

Sad
Happy
Empty
or
Full


I feel sad…
Cause I miss somewhere…

I never really been

And sometimes
I feel peace…

As chaos surrounds me

And sometimes
I feel jealous…

Of other realities

And sometimes
I am happy

That everything is the way it should

And sometimes
I am sad

That everything is the way it is….

Lately.....

There have been times
When I have felt like a great sink hole would swallow me

Sometimes…there is nothing wrong
I am happy one moment

And just as suddenly
I have a great feeling of dread

That overtakes me...

As if someone was using a voodoo doll
In a place far away
Poking my heart with a rusty needle

Perhaps…it is the stress of my work
The isolation I sometimes feel there
Not having time to relax
The pain from the back that just won’t heal
Not having enough hugs and loving touches
Worrying about bills
Worrying about the violence that threatens me
Worrying about the demands of my job

And perhaps it just overtakes me
Like a shell shocked soldier
On the Fourth of July…

Or perhaps...
I am just not adjusting to the meds

What the fuck.....

I am now completely fustrated.
I work on this budget for eons
And the program director
Keeps making changes and changes
And she is getting under my skin

It is just fustrating
that this person is higher on the food chain than me
And keeps pointing out "mistakes"
That are not mistakes...but indeed correct.

Of course I am not perfect...
And there were some mistakes in the first budget
I am just annoyed

Sleepy….

I can hardly keep my eyelids open…
I am so tired

I had fancy food
At a fancy restaurant
With a fancy drink…
That was so so so strong

I didn’t stay out late…
I went to the fest

And won three fish…
(and traded them in for one prettier fish)
My nephew won me one too

And we played “I got it”
With all of the sister-in-laws of sister-in-laws

I stumbled home
Giggly

Parade tomorrow!

At the moment.....

I am aroused

Ravish me.....

I felt happy yesterday…

I had a small break from the pain
I felt pretty
I had yummy food
I played with the little ones
I was artfully inspired

Happy…

Yesterday…
I was happy…

I had my family over for breakfast
I had them tour my plantasia
I played with my nephews

It was a horribly hot day
And I stayed inside with the AC
I finished a book I was reading
I had dinner with my friends
(Happy B-day Puddledyke!)

And then roamed around the bookstore
In the wonderful AC

I bought a magazine
About Tattoos
And one about quilts
(Wow-extremes!)

But I spent a lot of time in the gardening section
And looked at books about ponds
I have been inspired
On how to design my koi/goldfish pond
That makes me so happy

And then I think I have been inspired
To design my next tattoo

I feel so artful

But of course…

The pain still gets me down…
The back thing….just wont go away

So maybe it is….

My job that has been the cause of much of my negativity.

I am OVERWHELMED…

Too much to do…

So how many......

Decendents could there be?

Well....If there were seven centuries...and four generations per century....
And each person had two kids (who had two kids of their own)....

There could be......

268,435,456

Living decendents of King Edward the 1st....
(give or take a few million)

Who else is a DIRECT descendent of King Edward the 1st?

George Washington
Thomas Jefferson
Grover Cleveland
James Madison
John Quincy Adams
Robert E Lee
Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Jane Austin
Walt Disney
Gerald Ford
George H.W. Bush
George Bush
Colin Powell
Charles Darwin
Theordore Roosevelt
FDR
Eleanore Roosevelt
Humprey Bugart
Margaret Thatcher
Brooke Shields

My lady....

The Dutchess of Davidson Grove...

is my sister in law...

Okay- I made up her "title"

My brother has been doing some genealogy research...
And my nephews are DIRECT descendents of:

King Edward the 1st...
(of England ~1300)

Really
I am not kidding!

Her "title" is the county she lives in now...and the street she grew up on....

As It is...

As I swallow small tokens
Of the insensitivity of others

I should remove my rose colored glasses
And see the world….. as it is

Hope?

I have always believed that wild passions
Painted the world in dramatic hue
That violet and pink sunsets
Were worth the price of stormy seas

I somehow always believed in hope
That good would conquer evil
And that love will heal all
Stronger than indifference or hate.

Now.....

I am not so sure

Queen of the ant hill

I have been shipped to the middle of Oz....

I have a huge office.....
A big executive leather chair.

And a sterile empty hall.....
of quiet lonely nothingness.

Perhaps there will be a rainbow
At the end of the yellow brick road....

But somehow...
I am not so sure.