Oh,,,chocolate bunny!

Yummy. I love the fact that I live near chocolate factory. I just ate a little ducky. Easter leftovers. Matzo anyone?
Oh my computer is still...fucked.

So I decided not to apply for the job at my placement. I would have to commit to a year. I cannot commit to my underware selection, let alone a job! I also got a notice from the state. I took a civil service exam. I got a 94.

So I worked on a paper all day today and I realized my idea really sucked. Two papers, one lab, on re-do....two class, 4 intern days...done

Life

First off, my computer has been infected with the virus from hell. I have been scanning my computer with different scanners, reset to a past point, blah blah blah. I have been having progress, but still not fixed everything. Before I log off, I will scan again and again....
What is most annoying is it came from my F drive that I used at school. Fuckers. As I have tons of homework, I now will have to go to school so I can retrieve data from their computers from my f drive. Ha!
I went to VESID to get help with school and work. If you read this blog at all...you can see that I need help. Being newly bipolar sucks. I would like to speak to someone who is trained to assess vocational issues with people with disabilities (and bipolar). One of things that I have learned is that I think I can only work 4 days a week. I just don't have the stamina or concentration anymore. I plan on going to school part time and working 20 hours a week. I have no idea if this is possible. I really need money and benefits (evne if I have to pay for benefits).
Which then leads to another stressor. There is a job opening up at my internship. People at the internship have suggested that I apply. My field educator did not suggest this however. It is an administrative assistant for the MSWs from the other program. They require a four year degree and it is with the VA. Being the feds, it pays well for the type of job. I talked this over with my friends. If I were to get this job, I doubt I can continue with school. It is not exactly what I want to do, and I think I will end of stuck their due to the commitment, the good pay, and such. I may apply, but these really are my issues. The question is would I be missing a chance to get into the VA, or will I being closing off other opportunities? I have decided to apply, because there is no commitment to applying. Anyways (by the way it pays less than my last "real job") it is about what I can handle for a job right now. I just am not sure if I can handle a 40 hr week.
I have two more weeks of school and 2 more huge papers and three more labs/small papers. I better go off to school and fuck with their server wih my virus ladened f drive.

Weirdness in Spring

The last couple of days have been HOT! It was 87 degrees outside and ice in the Niagara River.

I planted pansies and I had to water my plants.

I do suck

I suck! I am a loser. I am the worst grad student ever. I do not deserve to live. I am unethical, I am ugly, and fat, and stupid, an annoying, and argumentative, and ill, and bipolar, and traumatized, and worthless, and poor, and undeserving, and an idiot, and a fuck-up, and a loser loser loser, and I talk to much, and vent to much, and blog to much, and cry too much, and whine too much. I am a loser that does not deserve to breath.

Or maybe I am not!

Today...of all days...

Someone commented on my blog:


Anonymous said...
Ethically, someone feeling like you do, should really not be in the mental health profession - at this time! Until you receive some, what seems to me, much needed help! Your teacher, despite seemingly well-meaning and boosting your self-esteem and possibly telling the truth, did not give you the best advice, if what you said he said is indeed all he said:)
I don't know how old your comment was, but I pray you will find the help you need and "do no harm" in the meantime to self, clients, and the mental health profession!
12:13 PM

I found it very interesting that this comment was posted today. I had a really bad day. And look! Someone thinks I am morally corrupt!
So having a mental illness means I am unethical?
Who the fuck are you? It must be easy to write such a patronizing comment while hiding behind the veil of Anonymous.

I do question myself nearly everyday whether I should be doing this. I have brought it up with my field educator, some professors, my psychologist, and my psychiatrist. I have been told on multiple occasions that I am talented and professional. However, I recognize my own issues and choose not to ever do individual therapy.

green!

25

The verdict is in...

I have a Vitamin D deficiency. Oh my god...I have like rickets. Or I would if I wasn't old. I just find it so very weird to have a nutritional deficiency....while being so fat...um...I mean overweight. I had a blood test, and I failed it.

I was getting so tired, and of course I hurt all over...Really can I have rickets? Or

Osteomalacia as it happens in adults?

How? Well....I live in Buffalo. I don't really drink milk or eat fortified grains. I thought I spent time in the sun. I walk on campus. I mean on the four days there was sun...

I have been directed to take supplements. I am thinking about going to the tanning booth. I heard that it was the wrong kind of ultraviolet light. But I am desperate!

Why I hate school

We had a presentation on disabilities for a diversity and oppression class. Great theme, all is good. Of course the three classes of social work students did not speak, and had that perfect professional compassion thing. Two of the presenters has Cerebral palsy. One of the guys with CP used a communication device with a stick like thing strapped to his head. A really amzaing guy, just with little use of his body.
So later that day I saw these two people wandering on campus and I said hello. They recognized me from the presentation, and asked if I wanted to eat dinner with them. They wanted to go to Burger King on the campus (which is gross). The guy with the communication device asked me to feed him. No problem.
He got a whopper. With mayo. I have issues with Mayo. I fed this guy and It was not really a fun sight. I mean, any other kind of food would have been fine. Just thinking about it makes me gag. I only bought a kids meal, and I couldn't eat it. It was just difficult, feeding someone with such a bad disabilty. I mean when little kids eat stick out their tongue while they eat, grosses me out. But I did it, cause that is what you do, the guy's got to eat!
The girl, who was in a wheelchair, didn't need help eating. But than she had to go to the bathroom, which all I had to do was wheel her to the bathroom thank god! But I still helped her wash her hands and stuff.
I then made sure they got to the next class they were presenting. They were cool and all, but I didn't expect to be a aide that day. It was really frustrating how many people waited for me to struggle opened the door while pushing, before helping out.
Anyways, I got them to their classroom and the students (second year SW grad students) assumed I was staff. Which was fine, but when I asked them if they needed anything else and I left they all looked at me funny until the girl wished me good luck on my paper.
This is all fine, really. I just get frustrated that I have to go to a diversity class and being told how much privilege I have from being white, middle class, and able. I may be white but I am not perfectly "abled," and I am poor as shit. That I have to write a fucking paper about how I feel, when pretending to help a disabled person, when I actually have done it, on multiple occasions. It just pisses me off. I realize that they need to hit some people on the head with this shit, and that most people are clueless. However, I think I am a pretty tolerant person.
Like if the diversity police read this I would get in trouble because I gagged while feeding this guy.

Nervous Breakdown....

I bet I am just crazy after all.
I went to the doctor and got some blood tests. I haven't heard back yet. But I bet they were just symptoms of my forever somatic symptoms of anxiety and depression. Depression and anxiety have hit me on the head with a big ASS log. I stayed up to late trying to get a paper done, and then went to my internship. And then went home, cracked up, went to bed, and now I am here. I stayed up to do a paper, and I still have not submitted it two days later. Then I think, what the hell am I doing this for? Is this just a stupid idea? I mean, I am bipolarly nuts, and I am trying to become an MSW. What the fuck was I thinking?
I am of course, try to steady the course, to finish the last two weeks of this semester hell. Then I have a summer to rethink my life. I registered to be a full time student in the fall, but I am pretty sure I am going to drop to part-time. I need a job, and perhaps a purpose. I am not likely to quit the social work thing and become a botanist (although I thought of it!) but I just need to reassess and figure out what it is that I should do. And I am thinking that maybe I should not be doing anything. I just need to wrestle with my illness, my pride, capabilities, and paying my mortgage. Getting a job with health insurance is #1. Figuring out what to do about school is another. Figuring out how to deal with my mental illness is still another. This full time school was way way too much for me. I think I was able to do it, because I knew so much of the material already. I didn't start from the bottom. There is even a class in which I probably know more than the prof. So I didn't have so much background reading to do. And I know that I will not be able to work as a full time MSW. I don't think I am stable enough. When I am at my internship, I fake it sometimes, and I do okay at that. But the work work part of social work is a drag. Like writing clinical notes. I know I do okay, but it is so stressful for me.
I don't know. I really miss numbers. I think I would rather work on excel than write case notes. Perhaps I can get a job as a research assistant.
I am just so confused. I don't want my "career" to be my identity. I just want to take a step back. But I have a hard time taking orders from people, well, stupid orders from people. I need to know "why?" I recently worked in retail and a residential aide. I really hate it when someone tells me how to cook broccoli or something. However, I think I can be a good assistant to a professional. It is a big difference between being a controller for an organization to being in retail of aide level work. I need to find something in the middle. I think my health and my pride demand on it.

What now????

On my forever battle with annoying an minor health concerns.....

Current Illnesses:

Asthma

Bipolar II

PSOC

Spondylolisthesis with herniated disc

Carpel Tunnel

Recent bone bruise

(I fell down the stairs holding a box of angels)

New issues:

Heartburn, stomach issues, swallowing diffulties

I started taking an OTC "Proton pump inhibitor"

And I feel better

I have been having issues like this on an off

I have been having ear problems

Yesterday I kept hearing an alarm clock while studying

My classmates though I was nuts

So either I am having ear problems

Or psychosis

Which is equally possible

I have been getting severe Vertigo

I have been given drugs for this in the past

So I could be getting the heartburn and the ear stuff from all of the IBU I have been taking

Or it could be side effects from the Seroquel

However, I have a new symptom

I have been physically exhausted

Beyond my mental anxiety

I was cleaning my house a few weeks ago and almost passed out

I was so physically drained

I went shopping (I love Shopping!)

And I was just doing some quick errands really

And I had to lean against the counter when I paid for something

I was THAT tired

I was walking around campus yesterday

And when I got to wear I needed to be

I sat down

Exhausted

with the room swimming

Catching my breath

And I am waking up with horrible headaches!!!!!

what's wrong with me?

Anemia?

diabetes?

I have an appointment tomorrow with my doctor

yikes!

On the way home from school....

I saw the following creatures:

One huge Rat
A cute opossum
A SKUNK!
A deer

I had a conversation with the deer
She was nibbling on the side of the road
And I opened my window
And she kept looking up at me

The deer around here are very domesticated

It was midnight by the way