whoa is me....

This has become the most annoying of blogs
I bet readers will think "just get up, stop complaining...and go pick flowers" or something.

I have been venting my blah-ness on my blog to not infect the real people who, unfortunate to them, know me.

It is hot, wow is it getting warm out today.

I just wish I wasn't so sad. I have a paper due tomorrow. I have not started it. I did some reading and thinking. I guess I am thankful it is not a long paper.

Why am I blue? I think my self esteem has taken a crash from it's normal miserable standing. I am fat, I eat too much junk, My back hurts cause I don't so the PT as much as I need to. I haven't got an internship yet, and well....my school work is not being done.

My pet bird is driving me bonkers. And I am waiting for the muscle relaxants to kick in....so I can walk. Although I am sure it will help the paper alot.

So...they say you get depressed because you have a need not being fulfilled.

I need encouragement....a "you can do it!" "you are not really that ugly...some guy may take pitty on you someday...."

So if you have any comments....this would be a good post to do so.

UGGGHhhhhhh

I am in pain. I can barely walk. My leg/back/hip seems to be all screwed up. It is my back. I am going to wander to the pharmacy to get a refill of my muscle relaxers. I am blue. I wondered if I was just sad or depressed...but as I thought about dreary ideas, I figured it was a medically depressed sort of thing. I just thought it would be awful to everyone if I ended up in the hospital again. I have two papers due...really soon. One on Monday and one Wednesday. I was invited to a "candle party"...one of those tupperware like home shopping parties. I want to go because it is a girl I know from my high school days who lives a couple blocks down. But me being blue and sad and miserable...I thought was not a great time to hang among strangers and far acquaintances. I have a ticket to so see Micheal Moore Lecture today at my school. I'll manage that.

But depression ....again?

I slept 10 hrs the last couple of days
Feel crappy
Eat sugar until green

This is getting old. I guess I will always be like this. I am lonely. And sad, and stressed, or not stressed enough.
I really should be writing these papers.

I am just so tired.

Maybe getting a drug...that will aide in my ability to walk.....will be a first step.

Rainy day laziness

Some days I hate to be a woman
That is all I will say regarding
Why I want to curl up into a ball
And wait for the IBU to kick in

I had a virus earlier in the week
It seemed as if everyone I knew was sick
I thought maybe I caught a cold from my work
But then I noticed a 20% increase in sneezing in classrooms
I am a little stuffy still…but nearly over it

All of this….plus the rain
Has made my eyelids droop today
I have been given a mini vacation this week
The rest of my class has begun their field placements today
But not me….sigh…..

My first placement was at a mental health clinic
In the chaos that followed my hospitalization
And the fact that my Psychiatrist wanted to drop me
My info was given to this clinic (voluntarily)

Of course, my future field instructor read it
Deemed me “TOO CRAZY”
To begin an internship there
Not to mention a violation of my privacy
I was very disappointed

My next interview was at the VA
I would have loved to work there
Yeah….
So the field instructor did not work any days
My school required me to work
Conflict of schedules
What a drag
All of my classmates are being busy bees today
While I vegetate in front of my computer
(I still feel crappy!)

Soon, I should work on the papers I have due
The agricultural policy history of food stamps
-or_
The family structure of a Japanese American Family
During WWII
Not likely in this hour

I have PT in a couple of hours
For my back
I did nothing lately
I don’t want to go for the shame of it

Perhaps I will clean my house a bit
I have a wastebasket of snotty tissues from the week

A dragon named Courage

I was in a class today, and we talked about Goffman and Biddle and their role theories. A limited theory of human development and behavior, but one that is important from a sociologist prospective. I have been thinking how roles have impacted me in the last 48 hours. Many times I can enmesh all of my roles into an oil slick collage of mud. Other times I can be fractured into pieces.

Sometimes I feel like I am two sides of a coin, simultaneously, and sometimes I can only in one direction.

Today I was student and a teacher, a client and a counselor, a right and then a wrong?

Anyways…

I have gone back to work at the residential group home. Not many hours, but somehow too much, and not enough. I sometimes dread to go into work, and find it hard to leave.

Today was a stressful, yet rewarding day.

I work in residential treatment for the developmentally disabled. Many of the individuals we work with have multiple handicaps and many with mental illness as well.
I work with highly capable (differently abled) adults whose lives are as just stressful as yours and mine.

We have another gentleman who has begun a downfall that may lead to an inpatient commitment for the safety of himself, but mostly others.

Not to paint a rose-colored image, to work with the developmentally disabled, you sometimes have to physically restrain individuals of they are going to hurt themselves or others. And there are some people in this population who wear helmets so they don’t bang their head open, or bite others to break the skin, or smear feces on walls.

Anyways, this man is a very strong, almost 200 lb…who recently punched his fist through a wall. And he is bipolar, and irritably depressed. Biology and stress, playing upon each other. And mild MR, trauma I was discussing with my boss what I am going to do if it every came to “SCIP” him. 911 would be called.

Today I knocked on his door. Today he did not take a shower, he ran the water, stood outside, but never let his skin be dampened. A very common maladaptive behavior. I entered his room, so I ask him if he brushed his teeth.

It was soon evident, that he did not; when I finally got him to speak He was sullen, downcast and miserable, as I expected. As he must have assumed I had come to challenge his hygiene. I assumed he would not talk to me at all. I asked if I can sit…he sat on his bed, next to the pile of chaos that was topped by one (only one!) stripped shoe. Asked him what he was doing…all day in his room alone. “Nothing”…..Nothing became feelings and symbols and hope.
Soon after there was a meeting with service coordinators where he had to face the realities of his restricted choices. A difficult one, I bet.

Hours later, I am asked for a hug. The same gentleman, now holding the most shy of smiles, and smelling of some generic soap….told me of his plans for the morning.

*sniff* *sniff*

I don't feel very well...
***Sniff****
I have a cold or something

I have SOOOO much to do this week
I start my internship
I have to interview
I have a paper due tomorrow
And another project

I feel like CRAP!
What wonderful timing

01 <~~~the bird saying hi

Oh crap.....

I am still up. My class tommorrow starts at 2pm...but lots to study tommorrow. I am up for no reason really...too much caffeine? But the drugs aren't helping. Perhaps I will color my hair and read more journal articles. At 2am?

Perhaps a shower than a bed crawl...eh?

So....

I am depressed.
The tiredness
The anxiety and inner restlessness
The feeling of sadness
The shopping cart of sugar and sweet
And the unusual, for me…
Sullen and frowning face

The feelings as if you are…
Living life in an aquarium
The water making your vision blurry
And the glass that keeps you from touch

Most importantly the thoughts
The anxiety that bubbles
When I try to avoid them
And fill the mind with good things

I am taking the pills
****gulp****
And finding large public places
To spend my time

But it was pretty disturbing
As my mind’s eye
Was intrigued by the seeds
The most deadly of toxins
(And they are so beautiful…
The markings of the castor bean)

I cannot take myself too seriously
As I have the most annoying beast
Upon my head
As s/he grooms and leaves
Little fluffy down upon my hair

I am going out to dinner
With my parents soon
And perhaps I will color my hair
Or do my nails or something
Pick my mother a bouquet
Of mismatched flowers from my garden
(Tis her b-day)
And of course STUDY
The millions of words
Due tomorrow

***yawn****

I am very sleepy…
On a dreary day
It is raining out…or overcast at least
It poured something stupid yesterday
We need the rain in general
But it has been raining a lot the last week or so
And being that most of the summer is over
And the farms and what not (not to mention my garden)
Could have used this a month ago
Better late then never I suppose

I usually like raining days
Makes me want to stay home and cuddle
And read a book or something
Except I have no one to cuddle with
And all of the readings for school
May not be what my mind lusts for….

Currently, my bird is lusting over the chocolate I just ate
A York Peppermint Patty
I was taking a lazy nap
When thing decided to sing to the gods
About the minute of sunshine we had
I really need to clip a feather on her (him?)
Just to slow him down
So I don’t have an escape situation

So…I had some drinks last night
I meant to have only one
But peer pressure lead me down to three
I really should not have drunk any
With my drugs and all
Might be why I am so tired

+ (this plus was typed by feathered friend…by the way)

I really need to get my mind
Out of this gelatin state
I have much a reading to do
I printed out
(Double sided)
All of the academic journal articles
I need to read in the next two weeks
It was an inch and a half thick
The other day I nearly quit school
Thought I would never get through
And then a quick review of what I needed to read
And found it to be a dull academic way to say….
Grammar is important when writing on patients charts
And that these are permanent records and all that crap
…no shit….
(Although I need to review my “than”s and “then”s)
It was a chapter and a half about the need for good grammar
No particle examples or indications of how to be better at it.
And well, reading the chapter hasn’t improved my writing at all
(As you can see)

But I have to remember that there are people in school
And people who, maybe, teach at the school
Who have never stepped their foot into a clinic
And realize how the real world works and all
(This all made me feel better)
But I still have a textbook to read today

***yawn****

A moment to pause.....

I hate this war
I hate this war machine
I hate poverty
I hate the reasons we got here
I hate "hate" ideology

But....

It was the innocent who suffered......

Huh?

So I am trying to figure out the way to balance all of the readings for Grad School. Basically, I figured the books may be redundant in someways, so I must learn to just skim them and pay attention to the generalities and weird ass academic vocabulary. Like: "negative entropy"

Also I have to have the right balance of not reading too far ahead...and mot to far behind. And most of all, the research literature the professors assign are of most importance.

Just adjusting

Oh wait...

That is such an old picture of my Sweet Pea....a baby picture, really....

Here is a more recent pic....

TWEET!!!!!

I must have feather eyebrows
Or a beak like nose…
Cause I have been serenaded
By two different cockatiels
One female one male…

Oh wait….
Is my sweat pea
A female?
+++Or a +male?
(I am leaving the +’s there cause it came from the creature in question)

S/he had decided my keyboard may contain sweet delights
If only s/he pounded on it with force by her beak

Anyways
It must be mating season
They do come from down under….
So may “spring” is in the air for them

No sick days in Grad School

I went to bed yesterday
Feeling crappy
Physically
Emotionally
Spiritually

I did not study much at all
But I did do my physical therapy exercises!
It was a raining day
Perfect to curl up with a very large text book
But my mind decided to freeze

I woke up
In pain
I have a pain in my neck
It is part of my continuing
Issues with my back

Right now
I look comical
I have a scarf around my head
Holding an icepack
(In the shape of an M&M)
To the back of my head
I must not ice too much

Or my brain will freeze! (again?)

The Devil inside me...

Laughs
As if I could have dreamed
I had shook him

Pre-occupation
Idealization?

The last time
I realized
That this fight
Was mine alone

There is no God
That can save me

Is there?

I am having trouble......

Thinking right now
I feel my mind is swimming in Jello

I woke up very very very late
I had very very deep deep dreams
On an already saddened heart, perhaps
Too many meds?

I am agitated, yet entrapped
Aww...my bitter friend depression

I nearly forgot that I was just hospitalized
Three weeks ago
I forget my mind is still fragile
Or perhaps still cracked

I feel cracked
I feel detached from reality

Startled though
From the very high pitched
Chirps
Sung from my friend
Perched on my shoulder

I’ve been dumped

I’ve been dumped
He was so faithful
Always attentive
Singing me love songs

I never knew
He was so narcissistic
As I saw him gaze
At his own reflection

My bird has dumped me
For the feathered friend
He flirted constantly
In the mirror

I could not deny
The extent of his love
Until he bit me
Squarely in the nose
(He drew blood!)

So my sweet cuddly fuzzy
Sometimes overly attentive
Bundle of feathers
Will not play with me

He calls for me
Yet as I arrive
He turns his back to me
To attend to his lover

Mixed State? Or just life?

I am not sleeping very well
I get up three or four times in the night
Hungry, like I haven’t eaten in days
In pain, sometimes, but I have drugs for that now
Or just for no reason at all
I have been taken potent drugs
That should make me sleep
While I was in the hospital
I was awake all night
After taking a dose of Ambien
At least I slept for 24 hours straight
On a few pills of Geodon

I have been moody, beyond my prior experiences
Of what I feel, and how I feel it
I have been quick to anger
And have experienced rage
Beyond what I thought was capable
I had to keep myself in check
Before screaming at people
For minor annoyances

I have also been crying
Almost for a whole afternoon
And even hit the levels of hysterics
I called my therapist
And I don’t think he ever heard me cry

I am afraid I have become irritably hypomanic
…a mixed state perhaps?
They did drop my meds in half
Two weeks ago
Seems as if I may be feeling it now
Too much caffeine?
Not enough Klonopin
You know you are anxious
If you can take Klonopin
Just to feel normal

I have a psychiatrist
(The doctor who is kicking me out)
Appointment on Tuesday
Hopefully she will be okay
With making a dosage change
If I have an appointment set up
With someone else
Did I tell you?
My psychiatrist kicked me out of her practice
She said I needed a higher level of care
That I should go to a clinic
She thought I needed a case worker
So I had an appointment
With a clinic
And found out quickly
That they would give me less care
Than I have been getting
Instead of seeing a private psychiatrist
Every three weeks (to two months)
I would see one every three months
Instead of therapy once a week
I would be lucky to see someone twice a month
A case worker?
Huh….I am too high functioning

I have been in the hospital twice
And referred to intensive outpatient treatment
And to go to my first appointment
And be considered a model of health

Anyways, I told my therapist
There was no way
I was ready to terminate our relationship
Being so fragile
For nothing
He encourage me to stay
To find another doctor
Before my psychiatrist sent me to the clinic
He worked in the clinics
I guess he knew what would happen
He referred me to another doctor
Told me to just get in for an appointment
And he said he would call
And talk to the doctor
And be able to move me up

So the doctor who is kicking me out…
I thought I would give her the application
For the county mental health services
The applications for ACT and ICM
If that is what she thinks I need
ACT is assertive community (outpatient) treatment
Which is basically mandated treatment
And the ICM is intensive case management
I am not willing to pay copay
For someone to tell me to take my meds
I take my meds, and usually request more
If she applies through the county
Than it is not my responsibility
If she wants to remove herself from liability
Then this would be the best thing for her
Maybe it might have benefit to me
Maybe if I felt suicidal, I could call the local hotline
And someone may take me seriously
(I was laughed at the day I was admitted)
Someone needs to train these people
That the people truly in danger to themselves
May not be able to cry

Anyways, I am frustrated
I can see that my meds are not working
And I have to sit here an manage things myself
Maybe I’ll take a Klonopin
That sometimes helps