steroid psychotic

Oh my....I am just a shake-ee-lady today.
I have been having issues.


Today I went to my allergist...
(He scolded me, because I waited for an appointment
instead of telling the office people I was SOB)

He gave me a breathing treatment
And a shot!

OUCH!!!!!!

Here comes loopy steriod girl. Gosh, I hope I get manic enough to finish may papers.
Golly Gee!
(I hope I don't lose it either)
If I start hearing voices...
I will call YOU!!!!!

So.....

What is going on you say?

Just a bit depressed with a bit of psychotic/suicidal thoughts
Just symptoms really....Being tired, anxious, having cloudy thoughts...the anxiety on top of sadness...is a weird feeling. Just symptoms. I am dealing.

I have a FYI call out to the therapist.

And some insight...
The pressures of school is great
I may not 'pass' to next semester
A little stressful.
I have a lot of extra work to do, if I want to 'pass'
(passing a B-), I am getting a c+
Weirdly, I am in the B+/A- range in my other courses

Failing will be hard

And the last few days...some bad feedback
*gulp*
on top of the depression/anxiety

Yeah...I know I am a broken record

blah blah blah

Hard to come to terms with the fact that you are a sick sick sick
Too sick for the profession I had be learning about...
(at the moment anyways)

Whatever

My bird have resumed their insanity producing behavior by grooming themselves on me. Dusty fluff...everywhere

They make me laugh....

When they don't make me crazy
With their needle sharp claws
On my too thin shirt
As they climb up an down my arm
On my shoulder, on my head...

And now thankfully...

On the lamp shade next to me
I have madi gra beads, and ribbon and pompom things
All sorts of fun stuff to keep a bird happy
And I nice warm lightball
To keep the belly warm

My birds love me
They are not birds
That stay in a cage all day
I do leave them confined to one room
When I am away
And I may be happier
If I ever get around to a tiny clip of their wings

Yep...my little pet cockatiels
They are so cute
(when they are being good)

Okay....

I cried a bit...
Ate little debbies

and giggled after I read this:

giggles

But I didn't....

I cannot describe the empty pain
Black hole in my heart

And I faked it for everyone
Trying to smile and talk

And how many times
I was told to shut up
In not so many words

It was so horrible to notice
How many times
My flaws were pointed out to me
Today
and
Yesterday

Perhaps they were meant as
Constructive Critism

Maybe they just saw my flaws
Were deeper than even I can tell

SHAME
shame
shame

what a shame

...

I thought of killing myself today

I bombed it

I did horrible on a paper. I got a C. In grad school you have to get a B- to pass. I asked the prof if he thought I was going to "fail" the class.

He said maybe.

Not a good sign. I received the my horrible paper back. In addition, I got my classmates responses to my mock session. Yikes.

I may flunk this. I am flunking. I have two weeks to recover.
I feel like a failure. I feel ashamed of admitting my bipolarness.
If I don't pass this class I cannot continue.
Maybe I should drop out anyways.

Another failing mark on my record!

Failed pharmacy school
Failed rotc camp
Failed being a controller
Failed Grad school.

This is a hard pill to swallow.
*gulp*

I have two weeks of hell.
Two exams
Two huge papers
One presentation
Two Labs
One rewrite

All...for nothing?

I suck....

I did not accomplish anything on my paper. At all. I organized all my school papers, and did laundry, and spent all of time staring at a computer screen with no idea where to start. My lungs hurt...so of course I had to spend an hour searching on line to see if I was going to die....I mean what the early signs up a bad asthma attack. I know that my asthma is not being managed well right now.....but I am sure it can wait until Monday when I call the Dr.

Then I freaked about all of the money on spent on presents. And I just got over it.

And then I stared at my computer screen.

I printed out the exam, and found the papers I need to rewrite. Yep.

I basically tortured myself today, with no result. If I was going to be thing non-productive, I should of watched a movie, read a book, crochet a scarf.....etc.
Instead I just thought about how much I hate doing the assignments. I just hate it...And I don't know if I can handle another 3 semesters. I might fail. And then I start having bad feelings about myself (hello bipolar/BPD).

And I want to die...

I wished that was just an expression.

So when I "blow" off an assignment cause it was driving me nuts, it was driving me nuts...really nuts. I have severe paper anxiety...and anxiety GAD...and well....it is not good. So I sometimes get that M.I.T. college student stress...and then I do the follow:

I got to bed.

I am so so so much better than I have. I am on ALOT of drugs. 300mg Effexor, 200mg Lamictal, um.... 100mg Seroquel. The Seroquel has helped alot. Which to me indicates.....I am f*cking nuts.
A year ago....I made the mistake of taking some really -nice- drugs to OD on...Loretab..and Soma. Yeah...it was a great little buzz.... The buzz was not exactly what was on my mind at the time. I will always remember the sight of Charcoal...
I guess the second time I got my math wrong...wrong dose...underestimated by 10X. Damn

Yes...so these are maladaptive behaviors and thoughts....and they creep in sometimes. So when I say...I can't deal anymore, I really cannot deal anymore. It is not the anxiety of tests and papers that do this...it is what they trigger. I have triggers everywhere. Feeling shame is a big trigger, and shame is everywhere, including at the start of a academic flunk-fest.

So yes...
I am taking my Seroquel and going to bed....

Good night
(I should of put my decorations up)

Moral my butt....

So.....As a student "intern"
I am bound by my future professions code of ethics
And in that code...there is language about emotional stability
And the moral responsibility
Of not "treating" people when I am mad

No, not the mad of anger
The mad of florid thought

At my internship
I kept finding myself
pushed against the wall
about my own health concerns

I am a peer advocate in the 'community'
And as I thought...someone who was my "peer"
Came walking into my internship
For one of out afternoon workshops

CRAP

And a couple weeks ago I broke down in front of my prof
He grilled me about what was going on with me
My A papers have all turned to C papers
So....I talked opened up
And told him about being a little depressed...

Which led to a huge discussion
About the obligation to tell my future supervisors
About my illness (if I am going to work with people with the same illness)
It just seems like another way to stigmatize me
Supervision is suppose to help with vicarious traumatization
So it maybe...makes sense
But it always feels like crap

Anyways
After talking to the peer employee at my internship
And my supervisor....scolded me
Perhaps cause I had an expression like I was busted

Later that day
I told him
That I was bipolar/major depressive recurring (whatever)
And that my Prof told me to tell him

So now...
my Field educator
And my prof
(who I will have TWO classes with next semester)
will know I am a freak

A breathless Freak

My CAPO don't work....

I was living large in my vessel on the river of denial..
I must have forgot that this holiday weekend was not a weekend of rest
I think I would have been locked with the inpatient ward
If I worked this weekend, I slept and slept (and ate) and did laundry
Did I tell you I did laundry? I am still doing laundry...

I was ladda-ladda-ladda this morning antiquing with my friend
And I thought how pretty everything was
It was snowing...and the snow that landed on my shirt...

LOOKED LIKED SNOWFLAKES!!!!

"Yeah...duh" you say. When it snows, it usually looks like little balls or dust. But the snow that landed on me...looked like 6 sided snowflakes.

So back to my ladda ladda ladda...
Pretty snow
Pretty Barn (antique store)
Pretty x-mas light...

Ladda ladda ladda...
"I know...I'll put my x-mas decorations up!!!"
Ladda ladda laddddddddddddd............
Oh shit.
I have a paper
Not on my calendar
cause it is a motherf**king REWRITE!!!!

I posted about the underwritten paper
That I nearly sliced my wrists....I mean my forearms

*cough* sorry...my BPD (301.83) diagnosis slipped out

Yeah..that one.
RE-DO
I suck

There is a part of me that just wants to flunk out
I am so sick of the overwhelming amount of work
To get a degree that no one really respects anyways
To make sh*t money
To have loans of the butt
To be an overworked, underpaid social worker
I suck

And...
I cannot breath
I have been having asthma attacks
I have been hitting the albuteral hard
SOB walking up stairs
Cold air hurts
My lungs hurt
And then they will slowly get better
I have been worried about getting a nasty attack

I was just playing my guitar
My dusty guitar
I played a few songs
(I haven't played in months....I mean months)
My fingers hurt
I sang a bit
Okay...I am not a good singer
I am not a very good guitarist
I can do both together okay
(So it is a package deal)

Now my lungs hurt
*gasp*

I need to call my allergist on Monday
I need drugs! Predisone baby!

So...my nice day
has turned into dreaded paper anxiety
I hate people who like writing papers

Oh...I can always do my exam.
*blah*

I need to go through my shopping bags
I went x-mas shopping on "black Friday"
My eyes were bigger than my wallet
I must return....

*gasp*

Long Weekend?

It is 9:30PM....and I wonder if I will be called in two hours....I was previously scheduled to work overnight tonight....but I quit! Yeah...that job was stressing me out in a stupid stupid way.

Yesterday...I arrived bright and early for the day!!!! I work up at 3PM....3-freaking-PM. Okay, I stayed up until 3am...but geeeezzzeee. I twittled around my house until I was nearly late for dinner.

It was yummy! Turkey...sweet potatoes....STUFFING! and....brussel sprouts. They were a little small...but they were very special brussel sprouts.

I GREW THEM IN MY GARDEN!!!!!!!

So they were my homemade dish...oh...I didn't COOK them, I just watered and fertilized with my homemade mulch....

giggles

And! I have managed to not study or do any school work! I needed a freaking break. I e-mailed a paper at 10PM on wed, that was due at 6pm. I still have 2 weeks of hell. Which reminds me that a Prof is posting a exam tomorrow...and i got the results of a major assignment. C+ I am okay with that. I just hope I can get a B- in the course...or I will fluck out.

I must be tired

Today I spilled Diet Pepsi all of the chair at Panera's
Then I walked over, tumbled, knocked down a WET FLOOR sign
Immediately after that I spilled MORE Diet Pepsi on the clean newly mopped floor...

And it is a problem....

I feel like crap...for what I am about to do. The fact that I feel like crap about it, is one of the reason why I think I need to do it....

I need to quit my job.

I work for a group home for the developmentally disabled.
I really enjoy working with the clients
But I HATE the job...

I hate being "forced" to do third shift
I hate having 4 calls of week begging me to come in
I hate cleaning toilets
I hate asking someone three times to brush their teeth when I know that If I didn't ask, they would most likely brush them.
I hate these horrible written res-habs
I really don't mesh with my co-workers
I am exhausted
I am exhausted

Why now?

I am suppose to work two shifts over the holiday weekend. One is a third shift. I was expressly instructed by my doctor that I should not work third shift, and my boss knows that. Not that third shift is the issue, the swing shift is....
And sunday. I cannot work 15 hours over the weekend. I HAVE TOO MUCH TO DO!!!!! I told my boss two weeks ago I could not work Sunday...she said it was MY responsibility to find a replacement.

I am paid $10.40 and hour
And I GET NO BENEFITS
I am a per Diem employee
The benefits this agnecy gives are amazing
Even part time people can get cheap health insurance
I get NOTHING!!!

I really like the consumers
I don't want to leave them

But I can't work this weekend.
I am at my wits end with school work
I am getting sick
I am experiencing some mental health symptoms

I need to quit
A week before I am suppose to work
I feel guilty

But I can't handle it

I went to the last staff meeting, and told my boss I could only stay a few minutes because of class. I got this speech about how mandatory it was...and ended up being 30 mins late to class.

I am done
And I hate the way the soap smells....

But when you dread working two weeks before a shift
You know it is time to quit

Life is strange....

I often visit coffee places to study. I particularly like the local Panera near my school. I have two major projects due this week. I just arrived (I love free wi-fi) and who do I see? The two professors that have assigned me these two projects! Dr R. nearly startled me...saying hello. I teased them, telling them I was working on my hw for their classes, while they were grading mine and my classmates paper. Giggles!

Don't Ask, Don't Tell....

The last couple of days
I have been considering
Telling the psychologist at my internship
That I am bipolar
There is something about Psychologists
That make me think they can diagnosis me
From across the room
As if I am walking around
With my underwear showing
I just worry about getting unstable
And making a complete ass of myself
I was feeling kind of crazy the other day
I think I am on as much drugs as the clients there

It was weird, I was reading a flyer in the lunch room
One about mania, and I went through the list
And evaluated myself (as anyone would do)
And they got all serious on me
About the symptoms of mania
And I sort of mentioned my dad being bipolar
And watching him psychotically manic
And then the psychologist said…well than…
Suddenly, there was a story
About a woman who had a stripper/ Tupperware
Grilling road kill in the drive way

I didn’t tell anyone I am bipolar
(borderline, major depression reoccurring…whatever)

One the professors at school
Wanted to talk to me after class
About a horrible lab I handed in
Being late for class
He asked what was going on
I started crying
And just said something about being depressed
He wants me to redo the lab
I think I might need to talk to someone about this
Maybe him
Cause I need to talk to someone about how to deal
With being on both sides of the desk
So to speak

Anyways
No one knows yet
There was actually a peer of mine
From the mental self help group
In an AA meeting
That the members graciously allowed me to attend
The meeting is held at my placement
With no staff involvement of course
They were inspirational

The Efficient Social Worker

So today it took me 90 minutes
To write clinic notes
For a group that lasted 90 minutes
(There were only 11 people in the group)

I am writing this blog so I can avoid my homework

I took yesterday off from school and internship
I backed off on my internship
(Just doing the normal shifts)
And will catch up between semesters
I will be taking an incomplete, I got approval today

Did I accomplish anything yesterday?
Nooooo…..
Well, I cleaned my house, read a wee bit
Went x-mas shopping, bought toilet paper
(giggles)
Played with my birdies
Screwed around on the internet
Watched a pathetic ER
And…..

At least I figured out a topic for my “theories” paper
The Theories of Human Behavior
So...I thought of doing something
With systems theories and vets
***yawn***
Maybe a Freudian model analysis
On Canadian strippers
“Where by law they take off all….”
Yeah right (I just made that one up)

So I am thinking about exploring
Piaget’s Cognitive Stages
And exploring the topic
With the developmentally disabled
I have no idea if this has ever been thought off
Or if functional IQ is measured by it…

I was just proud that I thought of it…

And the theory just fascinated me….

Wrong drug, wrong dose, wrong route, wrong person?

It is the end of my first semester in social work grad school.
I am taking four classes, and a 16 hour a week field placement
Of which I am 40 something odd hours behind.
I started a month late, and I have caught up 20 hrs
But the extra day at my internship is killing me
So I will take an incomplete for the semester.

My first placement did not want me
Seriously
They deemed me “too sick”
I was hospitalized, a mental health inpatient
A few weeks before school started
My private psychiatrist dismissed/discharged me
Because she thought I was too sick
She wanted me to have an intensive case manager
And I was sent to the clinic….

The clinic…that my grad school paperwork said….
That I was to internship at…
So this clinic was given all of my info
But I canceled my appointment

Anyways, I had my interview
I was told the placement was “competitive”
I was hung on the line to dry for weeks
And then, over the phone
He asked if I ever made an appointment with the agency
I said yes…
“Sorry, I cannot offer you a placement”
At this point I got him to admit it was because of my medical record
I asked him what he told my school…
At this point I reminded him on the finer points of HIPAA

So now…I am interning at a fine institution
(and my doctor let me back into her practice)
A recovery focused out patient treatment center
For MICA and PTSD clients
Mostly a group focused interventions
However, it is mainly an outpatient DAY treatment Center
A partial hospitalization for the severely mentally ill

A few months ago
It was suggested to me
That I should go into day treatment
Instead of grad school
Did I make the right choice?

I have been doing well
Getting good grades
Meeting new people
Doing well at the internship
Until now….

I am overwhelmed
I have panic attacks
I think everyone hates me
My grades suck
And I am now emotionally fragile

I have an unbelievable amount of school work
(My sane classmates are going crazy)
I have started to flake out (forget to do school work)
And I am starting to feel self-destructive

Yesterday, I hid in my intern office for a while
I’ve had two patients decide they liked me
Kidnap me and lock-me-in-a-box kind of like me
From someone who has a criminal record of such

So I am thinking….
I might actually suck as an MSW
I cannot concentrate
I either sleep too much, or not enough
I feel out of control

I am feeling too sick to do this

I should be....

Freaking out about all of the school work I have to do. But instead I just feel tired. I am exhausted. I just don't care anymore. I am having second (and third?) thoughts about going to grad school. I am spending 20K to aquire a job that pays very little, is stressful, and in some ways hopeless. Who the hell decides to be a social worker? What was I thinking?

I really can not keep my eyes open. So I guess I am going to finish my papers tomorrow. The plan was to start them today. I did nothing.

Z z z z zzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzz

Random thoughts

Well...
I only wrote 5 pages on a 10 page paper. I actually hate it when someone gives me an assignment that gives a page limit or requirement. Tell me what you want to research/analysis/review/create...and let me do it as I see fit.

I just got to the point of funk writing the paper. It was one of those things that made me question why the hell I am going to grad school. Especially in a field that I may not be any good at.

Today my group video taped each other pretending to be therapists. It was an assessment on whether we can utilize those basic skills like engagement, body language, open questions, etc...
And then we have to watch it, an write a paper on what we did right, and what we did wrong. I think I sucked. Well I had two or two really good moments, and three pretty bad.

But the hardest thing of all...was to see, really see, how freaking fat I have become. Of course I am eating while writing this. An apple (good) with a bit of Carmel dip (bad). I am a walking psychotrophic pharmacy and I take significant doses of drugs that make people fat. However, it is still maladaptive of me to not intervene on my cravings. And...I seriously have been binging on junk food. Stress, craziness, drugs, weakness, laziness. Either way, it sucked to see myself.

I have been having the most stressful time with school and work. I might have to quit my job....my per Diem job. It seems my boss doesn't remember that I took the job to cover summers and holidays. I have a four shift tomorrow, and I work 2 shifts over thanksgiving. It seems like I am a big whiner. But last week I interned 3.5 days, and had four 3.5 hr classes. I also worked plus worked a 4 hour shift. So basically, I was committed for 6 days at the tune of 48 hours. Plus writing a 10 page (sorry... 5 page), a lab, 2 quizzes...Yeah....on my god.

So...today I ran from class, to the video taping to doing my lab, late for class, and reviewing the tape for a write up. I had plans to write this paper up tonight...But instead...well....I am going to bed. This sort of life is exhausting, and it seems it will continue for the next few weeks.

I stupidly agreed to work two shifts over thanksgiving break....which is not a break because I will be working two days at my internship. One of those shifts is an overnight. I am going to talk to my boss tomorrow and ask her if she can get someone else to cover it.

This really sucks. I wish I had a backbone. I am really thinking of quitting my job. Maybe I need to talk to my boss.

I should go and sleep on it.

OMG

Oh my god...oh my god.

I have so much to do. I have a 10 page paper due tomorrow. I have paper anxiety. I hate it. I am so horrible about it.

I woke up with a migraine.

I want to crawl under a hole right now.